Friday Round-Up: April 14, 2006: Happy Birthday, J.E.I.

Can you believe it? A whole year already. It seems like only yesterday the Gutenberg 5000 Cyberpress® started belching its noxious fumes of cruel mockery and the mighty J.E.I. came screaming into this horrible world.

Lately we've been on somewhat of an American Idol tear, and can you blame us? That putz Ace is still in the running. He must be stopped, Americans (and Puerto Ricans and Guamians). At least we've had some consolation this week, roaming the halls of the J.E.I. compound belting out the name game song:

"Bucky, Bucky, Bo-Bucky
Bananafana Fo-Fu..."

You get the idear.

But no matter, it's time to celebrate, and this Friday Round-Up basks in the glory of a year's worth of meaningless glory. Scientists may marvel that once again we made it around the goddamn sun without getting swatted by a ginormous meteor, but the real huzzah goes to the J.E.I.'s 163 posts. One of these days we'll slap together a "best of" for reading on the crapper, but trust us, every one of the 163: fried gold.

Stay with us for another trip around the sun, fair readermonkeys, because this time we're going for 164.

Advertising As authentic as anything else we do. All Hail... Whatsisname. You Won't Believe What They Paid For This Ad... (KFU) Pencil Portraits By Chris Hey! It's Another Snotty Ad Parody! (GM Employee Discount) We Feel So Cheap... (Me, Meat Loaf Body Splash Pour Homme) They Swear The Check Is In The Mail... (Surely Hemphill Parfum) We've Gotta Pay The Bills Somehow... (Lithgow Cologne) We'll Be Back After These Messages... (Orleans Horse Meat Dog Food) And Now A Word From Our Sponser... (The High Roller's Club of Monte Carlo) Bad Art We don't know a lot about art but we know what we hate. Bumble Bee & A Blue Flower Sheep With A Barn Jesus Out To Lunch Scary Tree Correction A.K.A "Please withdraw your lawsuit." We Don't Dwell On Your Mistakes Editorial Opinions are like bellybuttons: a useless deforming scar. American Idolatry: Judging The Top 24 The Least You Could Do Missing Commandments (part 6) Missing Commandments (part 5) Missing Commandments (part 4) Missing Commandments (part 3) Missing Commandments (part 2) Missing Commandments (part 1) Truth In Advertising So Much For Buying Respect Food Horrible Food Ephemedia Nifty graphics, sounds and video guaranteed to crash your computer. First Draft Marketing II First Draft Marketing I Lennon/Lemmon/Spacey/Reiser Ephemereviews Those who can't do, review. The Taking Of Pelham 123 The Blob: Criterion Collection Aquabats, Plimsouls & New Pornographers Feature Articles Finally, some meat on this bone. The Secret Files Of Jimmy Olsen (part 7) The Secret Files Of Jimmy Olsen (part 6) The Secret Files Of Jimmy Olsen (part 5) The Secret Files Of Jimmy Olsen (part 4) The Secret Files Of Jimmy Olsen (part 3) The Secret Files Of Jimmy Olsen (part 2) The Secret Files Of Jimmy Olsen (part 1) Food Of The Gods Would that we could eat like them. Pocky, Pretz & Pretenders V Pocky, Pretz & Pretenders IV Pocky, Pretz & Pretenders III Pocky, Pretz & Pretenders II Pocky, Pretz & Pretenders I The Fool's Gold Loaf For Sale Caveat Emptor. Seriously. The Handsomest Ken Ever! Refreshing Prayer Candles A Message To Other Criminal Guitars Murdercedes Hot Or Not? Celebrities ridicule the insecure. Fun. James Brown... Well, We're Not Really Sure Let's Hear From James Brown Jerry Lewis Has Had Enough Jerry Lewis Keeps It Real Jerry Lewis Knows Illiterature Because reading is fundemental. Harry Potter & The Big Fat Payday Science Fictionology That Island Over There With The Trees Tom Wiffloo & The Lonesome Hangnail The Uncut Bible Lost & Found Uniting keepers and weepers. Extra-Krispy Kreme Strap On... Strap Off... Innappropriate [sic] Language Lost TV Untold tales of the glowing glass teat. Sanford & Son The Dukes of Hazzard Match Game PM M*A*S*H The Munsters Hogan's Heroes The Andy Griffith Show Wild Kingdom

News Stop the presses. American Idol Of The Living Dead, Round 8 Happy Birthday, Sherm American Idol Of The Living Dead, Round 7 American Idol Of The Living Dead, Round 6 American Idol Of The Living Dead, Round 5 American Idol Of The Living Dead, Round 4 American Idol Of The Living Dead, Round 3 American Idol Of The Living Dead, Round 2 American Idol Of The Living Dead, Round 1 Killer Veep Vows Revenge, Guns Down Lawyer State Of The Union, With A Vengeance American Idol Uncensored: The Americanist Edition Can You Feel The Hate? American Idol Is Back Whoville Breeds Green-Glowing Pigs Fall 2005 J.E.I. Interns Pat Robertson Surprised At Fuss, Sets Record Straight The Least Litigious Place On Earth Cartoon World Mourns Death Of Jabberjaw Olympics & Pans Mississippi No Longer Burning, Itching Persists Get Away From Her, You Bi-yotch! Alba's Nipple Fulfills Red Carpet Duties Runaway Bride Pleads No Contessa To Felony Sit Down, American Idol, We Need To Talk Vatican Fast-Tracks John Paul II Sainthood, Issues Commemorative Cookie Jar Tough Break, Chekov You Was Robbed, Dawg Your Next American Idol And A Habemus Papam To You! Poetry There once was a girl from Nantucket... The Wind & The Bird Remember, George, No Man Is A Failure Who Has Friends... The Savage Breast Music, not boobs, you perv. Instruments Of Regret There's A Place On This Blog For The Angry Old Man... Master It! Science! What she blinded us with. Seriously, What The Hell? There Is No God Seal Of Approval Sites that don't suck so much. The J.E.I. Seal Of Approval XIV The J.E.I. Seal Of Approval XIII.5 The J.E.I. Seal Of Approval XIII The J.E.I. Seal Of Approval XII The J.E.I. Seal Of Approval XI The J.E.I. Seal Of Approval X The J.E.I. Seal Of Approval IX The J.E.I. Seal Of Approval VIII The J.E.I. Seal Of Approval VII The J.E.I. Seal Of Approval VI The J.E.I. Seal Of Approval V The J.E.I. Seal Of Approval IV The J.E.I. Seal Of Approval III The J.E.I. Seal Of Approval II The J.E.I. Seal Of Approval I Storytime Corner Once upon a time... . A Wee Nancy Story A Thousand Words What a picture is worth, depending on exchange rates. This Looks Like A Job For Letterman Tonytown Full Frontal Green Pepper Like Sacks Of Wet Cement The Love God Press Button, Receive Bacon Yes Sir Problem Solved Not Electric, It Is Pleasant We Couldn't Agree More Watercooler Intercepted communications amongst the staff. Pot Yuck Wish List Or, as Black Flag said, "Gimme gimme gimme." Batman TV Show Shakespeare Bust Hieronymus Bosch Pooping Devil-Bird Action Figure El Santo Vs. Las Mujeres Vampiro! The Real Batmobile Shag Disneyland Prints Batgirl Barbie Bible Bars Tie Fighter Desk Karatist Preacher

Insania Fragilis, Fectum Dubitabilis!

News: American Idol Of The Living Dead, Round 8

Maybe it was for the best that Mandisa got the boot last week-- she probably wouldn't have enjoyed belting out Freddie Mercury tunes, if you, uh, know what we mean.

(If you don't what we mean, what we mean is Mandisa's not down with the leather set. And by leather set, we mean homos. And by homos, we mean sexuals. Get it now?)

Ah well, she's shuffling along as a brain-craving zombie now, spreading her message of intolerance among the unholy decaying Lazarites. And joining her this week is everybody's favorite rube, Bucky.

The irony is, for all our railing against Bucky, we actually liked his raspy version of "Fat Bottomed Girls" (*cough*MANDISA*cough*). Again, oh effing well... let's take a look at where we're at.

Hey Ace-- hear that bell? It's tolling for thee, you fey putz. You will you will not rock me.

Also in this series...

• Happy Birthday, Sherm.
• American Idol Of The Living Dead, Round 7
• American Idol Of The Living Dead, Round 6
• American Idol Of The Living Dead, Round 5
• American Idol Of The Living Dead, Round 4
• American Idol Of The Living Dead, Round 3
• American Idol Of The Living Dead, Round 2
• American Idol Of The Living Dead, Round 1
• Killer Veep Vows Revenge, Guns Down Lawyer
• State Of The Union, With A Vengeance
• American Idol Uncensored: The Americanist Edition
• Can You Feel The Hate? American Idol Is Back
• Whoville Breeds Green-Glowing Pigs
• Pat Robertson Surprised At Fuss, Sets Record Straight
• Fall 2005 J.E.I. Interns
• The Least Litigious Place On Earth
• Cartoon World Mourns Death Of Jabberjaw
• Olympics & Pans
• Mississippi No Longer Burning, Itching Persists
• Get Away From Her, You Bi-yotch!
• Alba's Nipple Fulfills Red Carpet Duties
• Runaway Bride Pleads No Contessa To Felony
• Sit Down, American Idol, We Need To Talk
• Vatican Fast-Tracks John Paul II Sainthood, Issues Commemorative Cookie Jar
• Tough Break, Chekov
• You Was Robbed, Dawg
• Your Next American Idol
• And A Habemus Papam To You!

News: Happy Birthday, Sherm.

Can you believe it? It hardly seems a year since we had the big nine-oh blowout, and here we are wishing Harry Morgan many happy returns as he tries to huff and puff ninety-one candles into smokey black cake-topping wicks.

Born Harry Bratsburg in 1915, he's in good birthday company: Vernon Presley, Sheb Wooley, Chuck Connors, Martin Denny, Steven Seagal, Babyface, Max Von Sydow, Omar Sharif, Haley Joel Osment and the ultra-delicious Mandy Moore all turn one year older today. But it's Harry's special day we're here to celebrate, and we'd like to do so with a quiz.

Match the wacky M*A*S*H hijinx with the colorful "Sherman T. Potter-ism" it prompted. Easy peasy, right?

	1. Klinger claims he's the Toledo Strangler and begs to be extradited back to Ohio to stand trial.	A. "Horse hockey!"
	2. Frank Burns wants Hawkeye brought up on charges for calling him "ferret-face" in front of the enlisted men.	B. "Mule Fritters!"
	3. Radar tips off the Colonel that General Clayton is due any minute for a surprise inspection.	C. "Sweet Fanny Adams!"
	4. Father Mulcahey walks in on the Colonel and Rosie enjoying the mutual pleasure only consenting adults can give one another.	D. "Blessed mother of fuck!"
	5. BJ breaks down in tears and confesses that he has secretly murdered eight Korean prostitutes during his time at the 4077th	E. "Shit on a cracker!"
	6. Margaret gets drunk and passes out naked in the Colonel's tent.	F. "Beans!"
	7. The Colonel's horse, Sophie, defecates in Potter's favorite oatmeal bowl.	G. "Cocksucking fucking douche!"
	8. Winchester repeatedly pleads to be reassigned to a hospital in Tokyo.	H. "Malarkey!"
	9. Potter gets word that Mildred has had a stroke.	I. "Well, fuck me!"

Happy birthday, Harry. We hope someone gives you a horse to poo in your office.

Also in this series...

• American Idol Of The Living Dead, Round 7
• American Idol Of The Living Dead, Round 6
• American Idol Of The Living Dead, Round 5
• American Idol Of The Living Dead, Round 4
• American Idol Of The Living Dead, Round 3
• American Idol Of The Living Dead, Round 2
• American Idol Of The Living Dead, Round 1
• Killer Veep Vows Revenge, Guns Down Lawyer
• State Of The Union, With A Vengeance
• American Idol Uncensored: The Americanist Edition
• Can You Feel The Hate? American Idol Is Back
• Whoville Breeds Green-Glowing Pigs
• Pat Robertson Surprised At Fuss, Sets Record Straight
• Fall 2005 J.E.I. Interns
• The Least Litigious Place On Earth
• Cartoon World Mourns Death Of Jabberjaw
• Olympics & Pans
• Mississippi No Longer Burning, Itching Persists
• Get Away From Her, You Bi-yotch!
• Alba's Nipple Fulfills Red Carpet Duties
• Runaway Bride Pleads No Contessa To Felony
• Sit Down, American Idol, We Need To Talk
• Vatican Fast-Tracks John Paul II Sainthood, Issues Commemorative Cookie Jar
• Tough Break, Chekov
• You Was Robbed, Dawg
• Your Next American Idol
• And A Habemus Papam To You!