News: Can You Feel The Hate? American Idol Is Back

The wait is finally over, you vultures. Yep, American Idol is back for season five and the mighty J.E.I. is just quivering with excitement. Not since Queen For A Day has a television show so perfectly hung on the premise that if you're willing to make a fool of yourself, you too can have your moment in the limelight.

Now, before we go any further...

You don't think those screechy divas and costumed dopes with their fetid cabaret and stumbly moonwalking actually think they will move through to Hollywood, do you? You are savvy enough to know that they calculate that a phenomenal display of talentless sucking will probably catch a sadistic grunt-level producer's eye, eventually kicking them up the food chain until they are allowed to perform their horrid self-debasement in front of collectively bored Paula, Simon and Randy, and thus having a shot at being on national television if only as a circus geek, right?

You know that, right?

OK, yes, some of them really think they can sing. Which makes their public humiliation even sweeter. And god help us, when they storm out of the audition room, furious mascara tears streaking down their puffy faces, flinging at the camera "street" obscenities and gestures they learned by deciphering the bleeps on TRL, that dear readers, is the fucking cherry on the sundae. We would love for one of them to "make it big" so that we could indeed be sorry. Please Jesus, make it one day be so.

But savor it while you can. For each season, a few weeks in, Idol makes an ugly turn to the dark side, attempting to manipulate viewers to care about these pinheads. Every reality show does it, from Survivor to Joe Millionaire to The Apprentice... so it's never a surprise. But it is always sad when the show goes from mocking to pimping (usually accompanied by a "worst of" clip show, since they can't shit on the finalists anymore). Just once we'd like to see a show with the stones to fuck over the contestants to the bitterest end.

Ah well... even the most beautiful cruelty is fleeting. At least we'll always make fun of you.

Also in this series...

• Whoville Breeds Green-Glowing Pigs
• Pat Robertson Surprised At Fuss, Sets Record Straight
• Fall 2005 J.E.I. Interns
• The Least Litigious Place On Earth
• Cartoon World Mourns Death Of Jabberjaw
• Olympics & Pans
• Mississippi No Longer Burning, Itching Persists
• Get Away From Her, You Bi-yotch!
• Alba's Nipple Fulfills Red Carpet Duties
• Runaway Bride Pleads No Contessa To Felony
• Sit Down, American Idol, We Need To Talk
• Vatican Fast-Tracks John Paul II Sainthood, Issues Commemorative Cookie Jar
• Tough Break, Chekov
• You Was Robbed, Dawg
• Your Next American Idol
• And A Habemus Papam To You!