News: You Was Robbed, Dawg
Watch out, Shaker Heights, OH-- the White Velvet is coming home and he's pissed. I mean, he'd picked out his song for next week and everything, yo. And it wa'n't even gon' be pitchy or no'hin'. Da-umn!
Ah, Scotty. You were just too special to last out of your element, like a hothouse flower or one of those weird transparent shrimp that live way down in the muck of the ocean abyss. America has let you slip though its greasy fingers, casting you onto the sad path hurtling toward obscurity: the American Idols Live Tour... a self-produced CD of tepid R&B yawners... a string of misdemeanor assault charges... then finally an Old Navy "Big & Tall" commercial with Reuben. Try to keep your chins up, Tiny.
But that's not the worst of it, not even close. The J.E.I. Board of Directors was forced to hold an emergency session late last night, and it is with great regret that must now announce we have no choice but to throw our might behind Ukraine Newton, Anthony Fedorov. And dammit, that just makes us feel dirty.
Also in this series...