News: You Was Robbed, Dawg

Watch out, Shaker Heights, OH-- the White Velvet is coming home and he's pissed. I mean, he'd picked out his song for next week and everything, yo. And it wa'n't even gon' be pitchy or no'hin'. Da-umn!

Ah, Scotty. You were just too special to last out of your element, like a hothouse flower or one of those weird transparent shrimp that live way down in the muck of the ocean abyss. America has let you slip though its greasy fingers, casting you onto the sad path hurtling toward obscurity: the American Idols Live Tour... a self-produced CD of tepid R&B yawners... a string of misdemeanor assault charges... then finally an Old Navy "Big & Tall" commercial with Reuben. Try to keep your chins up, Tiny.

But that's not the worst of it, not even close. The J.E.I. Board of Directors was forced to hold an emergency session late last night, and it is with great regret that must now announce we have no choice but to throw our might behind Ukraine Newton, Anthony Fedorov. And dammit, that just makes us feel dirty.

Also in this series...

• Your Next American Idol
• And A Habemus Papam To You!

A Thousand Words: The Love God

Sure, we know what you're thinking-- we took the easy way out. You think we took this already eye-rolling nugget of Hollywood irony and frosted it with a quick layer of our own silky buttercream tomfoolery (i.e., we drew a huge yellow schlong on Barney Fife). That's what you think.

But you were also pretty sure Jenny Wilbanks was feeding worms in a Georgia landfill, now weren't you, smartypants?

No Carnac, here at the J.E.I. the credo of the A Thousand Words column is we calls 'em likes we sees 'em, and when we saw that Universal Studios was Onan-ising Don Knotts, how could we not make the call?


Also in this series...

• Press Button, Receive Bacon
• Yes Sir
• Problem Solved
• Not Electric, It Is Pleasant
• We Couldn't Agree More