News: American Idol Of The Living Dead, Round 10

Let's face it, Kellie had been running on "cute hick" fumes for about the last two shows. And her "Unchained Melody" was enough to make Bobby Hatfield rise up from the grave to stuff a sock in her gob. Bill Medley, too, and he's not even dead.

So now Paula is back to being the dumbest person on the show. Huzzah, you drunk freak.

A special kudos to Katharine finally playing the breast card. We at the J.E.I. salute you, if you know what I mean (and I think you do).

Also in this series...

• American Idol Of The Living Dead, Round 9
• American Idol Of The Living Dead, Round 8
• Happy Birthday, Sherm.
• American Idol Of The Living Dead, Round 7
• American Idol Of The Living Dead, Round 6
• American Idol Of The Living Dead, Round 5
• American Idol Of The Living Dead, Round 4
• American Idol Of The Living Dead, Round 3
• American Idol Of The Living Dead, Round 2
• American Idol Of The Living Dead, Round 1
• Killer Veep Vows Revenge, Guns Down Lawyer
• State Of The Union, With A Vengeance
• American Idol Uncensored: The Americanist Edition
• Can You Feel The Hate? American Idol Is Back
• Whoville Breeds Green-Glowing Pigs
• Pat Robertson Surprised At Fuss, Sets Record Straight
• Fall 2005 J.E.I. Interns
• The Least Litigious Place On Earth
• Cartoon World Mourns Death Of Jabberjaw
• Olympics & Pans
• Mississippi No Longer Burning, Itching Persists
• Get Away From Her, You Bi-yotch!
• Alba's Nipple Fulfills Red Carpet Duties
• Runaway Bride Pleads No Contessa To Felony
• Sit Down, American Idol, We Need To Talk
• Vatican Fast-Tracks John Paul II Sainthood, Issues Commemorative Cookie Jar
• Tough Break, Chekov
• You Was Robbed, Dawg
• Your Next American Idol
• And A Habemus Papam To You!

Editorial: Action Goddamn Jackson

By now you've heard of the summer blockbuster-to-be Snakes on a Plane, starring Samuel L. Jackson, a film already tagged as the "feel-good hit of 2006" around the sprawling J.E.I. compound. But after having Sam's name engraved on the statuette, we started to worry. What if the film just doesn't find it's audience? Decisive action was needed.

Like any good (or even passable) Sam Jackson flick, his no-nonsense angry-but-cool character has just got to have a kickass catchphrase. Oh sure, we can expect him to grab some weasely honkey by the collar and bark "There's goddamn snakes on the motherfucking plane!" or "There's motherfucking snakes on the goddamn plane!" or some combination thereof, but when Sam is about to dispatch the last of the goddamn plane's motherfucking snakes, he needs the line that will be on the lips of middle school boys well past Thanksgiving.

Since Wesley already has dibs on our personal favorite ("Always bet on black"), we've come up with a top ten list for the producers to consider...

10. "This is where I go Rikki-Tikki-Tavi on your ass."

9. "I'm about to commit some black on black snake violence."

8. "Coil your limb-less ass around this."

7. "You cold-blooded egg-laying motherfucker."

6. "Say "Hi" to Adam and goddamn Eve."

5. "King cobra, my ass."

4. "Jimmy crack corn and I don't care, motherfucker."

3. "Goddamn motherfucking snakes."

2. "Motherfucking goddamn snakes."

1. "What can brown do for you, bitch?"

Don't you get it? They're snakes and they're on a plane!

Also in this series...

• American Idolatry: Judging The Top 24
• The Least You Could Do
• Missing Commandments (part 6)
• Missing Commandments (part 5)
• Missing Commandments (part 4)
• Missing Commandments (part 3)
• Missing Commandments (part 2)
• Missing Commandments (part 1)
• Truth In Advertising
• So Much For Buying Respect
• Food Horrible Food