The Journal of Ephemeral Inspiration: May 08, 2005

Editorial: Missing Commandments (part 3)

Our mission has been an unqualified success-- another tattery bit of musty dogma de-bunked. Thanks to our iron-clad condemnation of the Ten Commandments, Judeo-Christianity is sadly doomed to crumble like Ancient Rome, the British Empire, and Clintonian America. Sorry gang.

But the The Journal of Ephemeral Inspiration brings you good news! We've prepared yet another installment of Missing Commandments, and like a phoenix from the ashes, you will once again have an ethically-questionable laundry list of rules upon which to blindly base your existence. As an added bonus, George Bush will find it much harder to use our new foundation of faith to justify traveling the globe to kill brown people... so we got that going for us... which is nice.

Thou shalt not be a cocky teen.
Thou shalt not adopt ridiculous cartoon guises and affectations outside of your birth culture.
Thou shalt not give thine children jokey names.
Thou shalt look in the mirror only with a critical eye.
Thou shall not deny what is plainly there for all to see.
Thou shalt not expect acclaim for doing the right thing.
Thou shalt not kill thineself for wrongdoing before everyone else has a crack at thou.
Thou shalt not reveal uncomfortable personal information unless granted permission.
Thou shall never think that thing on your head, no matter if it's attached, is "hair."
Thou are not starving, thou are merely hungry.
Thou shall check thine spelling.
Thou shalt use capital letters appropriately, unless thine are e. e. cummings.

Also in this series...

A Thousand Words: Like Sacks Of Wet Cement

We just don't see this ending well.

Also in this series...

News: Vatican Fast-Tracks John Paul II Sainthood, Issues Commemorative Cookie Jar

We can't tell you how much we enjoy how our news column has so far focused exclusively on the Pope and "American Idol." That pretty much covers the important stuff.

Also in this series...

The J.E.I. Seal Of Approval V

It's time once again to share the love. And what says "I love you" better than a J.E.I. Seal of Approval? I dunno, flowers? A kidney? A weekend when you don't drink? Lots of things, really.

AwfulPlasticSurgery.com
You know we have a soft spot for the public shaming of those more fortunate than us, and this site does it with such aplomb.
Shag.com
Possibly the greatest artist ever. We shit you not.
Johnny Beinart's Toy Gallery
And then there's this guy... Johnny, you're a genius, but your creations give us the creeps.
Freezeframe Funnies
An amazingly accurate alliteration. No idea why they abandoned this concept back in October... so hurry over and look before they pave paradise and put up a parking lot. Hey, that's an alliteration too!

Well done, all. Insania Fragilis, Fectum Dubitabilis!

Also in this series...

News: Tough Break, Chekov

Eh... truth be told we never really warmed up to the little commie (our enlarged hearts always belonged to the big man). The little twerp just seemed to try a bit too hard to be the next Clay Aiken (who, by the way, came in second place, Pavel).

The J.E.I. Board of Directors have dragged their asses back in to the office and are currently slugging it out to decide who we will now endorse to win this pony show... Not that it's fun anymore; we actually kinda like the remaining three dopes. Where's the fun in that?

Also in this series...

Hot Or Not? Let's Hear From James Brown

Our apologies to Jerry Lewis-- Jerry, we pushed you too far. We admit it. We had no right to parade three hideous mutants from Hot Or Not in front of you, and right after lunch? We would have snapped too. You shouldn't feel ashamed. Maybe we need a judge with less... delicate sensibilities. So let's throw it to the hardest working man in show-business, James Brown, and see what Papa has to say about these brand new bags.

"Hea'meh... ahmmasay wooooo! Yeh. Huh. Issa gonefine prettyladynow. Oooooo... youseewhasay? Buyou ain'nevah gonnaknow what! Heh! Gonefine prettylady no doubt! Groovin... movin.. gettinfunky anna fine yougotcha gotdamn bigfoot onna arm... Hai! "

Also in this series...

Lost TV: MAS*H

Watch any episode of "M*A*S*H" prior to BJ growing his moustache and you’re watching great television (basically seasons 1-6; you’re on your own after that).

But even though that creepy hairy lip was a harbinger for watered-down, sentimental shark-jumping wit-less puns (didn’t episodes used to center around Hawkeye getting drunk and screwing nurses three at a time?), we stuck it out to the end, "M*A*S*H: Goodbye, Farewell and Amen" (we don’t count that king turd of spinoffs, "After M*A*S*H", or "W*A*L*T*E*R").

But we’ve always had a few bones to pick with how the writers wrapped up the series... the most peculiar part was how each character left the 4077th. We could never figure out why they all had to depart by different modes of travel: Hawkeye in a helicopter, Charles on a garbage truck, Potter on his horse (we’re particularly amazed that Hunnicut made it down that hill on his motorcycle without landing at the bottom in a heap)… seems like they could've carpooled a little bit, right?

And just because there's a cease-fire, does that mean that every North Korean soldier in the field got word of it? Wasn't there a pretty good chance that BJ might have been picked off by an ill-informed loose cannon? We could imagine a few of them not giving a fuck and taking out a few more round-eyed Joes just for kicks.

But here at the J.E.I, we don’t just complain, we complain and then make smartass and less-than-useful suggestions that really don't fix the problem (but they do make us giggle). So for your horror and amusement, we proudly present the final final episode of "M*A*S*H", as outlined by the J.E.I. staff. Juice and cookies will be served in the lobby after the show.

	BJ, with his faggy straw hat and fey yellow paint job, is joyfully zooming his motorcycle down the path toward Seoul, when a grubby North Korean pops out of the woods and slams him in between the eyes with a slingshot. After the soldier rolls him and leaves him bleeding into the dirt, the local fauna comes along and rends his flesh from his good-natured bones. Soon, “"Beej"” is nothing more than decaying piles of deer droppings scattered over Ouijambu.
Hawkeye, of course, witnesses the whole scene in horror from the relative safety of the helicopter (a decidedly better choice of travel). He makes it home to Crabapple Cove safe and sound, but the deep depression he cultivated through years of alcohol abuse and joyless intercourse is aggravated by seeing his best buddy senselessly ripped apart by otherwise gentle woodland creatures. He says hello to his father and promptly hangs himself in his garage, nude.
	Max Klinger makes it back to Toledo and decides he is, in fact, a full-fledged transvestite. Two weeks after his return, he is beaten to death by a gang of toughs after he refuses to relinquish his gold lamé handbag.
Charles, sickened over the senseless death of his recently-acquired beloved Korean musicians, sits glass-eyed and unshaven in the east wing of his family estate in Boston, staring at a priceless Renoir painting, and masturbating glumly into a sock.
	Colonel Sherman T. Potter, bored with retirement, takes up beating his wife.
Margaret, having a mid-life crisis upon the realization that her entire military career was based on blowing Generals old enough to be her father, snaps and begins a methodical process of euthanizing otherwise-well soldiers in her newly-assigned Alabama VA hospital.