They Swear The Check Is In The Mail...

Also in this series...

• Lithgow
• Orleans Horsemeat Dog Food
• The High Roller's Club of Monte Carlo

Hot Or Not? Jerry Lewis Has Had Enough

It's our fault. We saw the line and left a skid mark far beyond it. Jerry Lewis is pissed and can you blame him? The pimply and diseased freaks at Hot Or Not are really just too much for one man to bear, so with thanks and apologies to Jerry, we'll ask him to take one more peek. After that, we're gonna have to find a celebrity judge by making cold-calls out of the Day Planner® we lifted from Mike Ovitz's convertible last month. If that doesn't pan out, Paris Hilton's T-Mobile Sidekick® is gonna have to be hacked again. Sorry, kitten.

"You morons are killing me. If I wanted to spend my time looking at herpes, I'd head over to Tony Bennett's house, you schmucks. Enough. Send my check to my girl, I'm going."

Also in this series...

• Jerry Lewis Keeps It Real
• Jerry Lewis Knows

The J.E.I. Seal Of Approval III

Ingrates. That's all we have to say. Here at The Journal of Ephemeral Inspiration we go out of our way to pimp our fine stable of readers to fledgling sites, but do we even get a peep of gratitude? Nothing!

• Paul Champagne Custom DVD Cases
  This fella creates custom metal DVD collection cases for those obsessive types who need to have their Evil Dead trilogy discs together (damned alphabet) of just want a kick-ass old school case for their Star Wars flicks (the sucky and non-sucky ones).
  
• Chank.com
  Really cool (and many free) fonts, plus tips on how to make your own. Don't care about fonts? Well, screw you, buddy!
  
• BitterWaitress.com
  Fantastic. The J.E.I. is always a supporter of petty and useless revenge. Food servers bitch about celebrities and regular folk who are just too damned cheap to pay extra for saliva-free meals.
  
• Inconspicuous Consumption
  Paul Lukas seems to have abandoned the site (and it's sister print publication, Beer Frame), but there's still gold under the cobwebs. Read the site, order the back issues of the 'zine, even buy his book. Maybe one day he'll remember his roots.
  

Well done, all. Insania Fragilis, Fectum Dubitabilis!

Also in this series...

• The J.E.I. Seal Of Approval II
• The J.E.I. Seal Of Approval I

Lost TV: Hogan's Heroes

We're back with yet another installment of Lost TV. The Nazis wouldn't have gotten such a bad rap had they put Klink in charge. And not killed all those dudes. Two simple changes that would have re-written history books...

• Below is a TV Guide synopsis of an unaired episode of the holocaust sitcom "Hogan's Heroes”...
  

  
  April 12, 1964
  Hogan's Heroes (CBS): Hogan and the gang help Schultz replace the Colonel’s favorite riding crop, broken while the sergeant was using it to savagely beat LeBeau. Bob Crane, Werner Klemperer, John Banner, Larry Hovis. 30 min.

Also in this series...

• The Andy Griffith Show
• Wild Kingdom

A Thousand Words: Yes Sir

So many things going on here... let's start with the less obvious: he endured massive amounts of time under the needle; the craftsmanship is pretty impressive; his physique and courage indicate he could probably kick anyone's ass... and he just can't get enough of the bald merman handjobs. And this is on his back. Can you imagine what must be on his chest? I'm guessing it involved unicorns and lube. Just a guess, don't hit me, sir.


Also in this series...

• Problem Solved
• Not Electric, It Is Pleasant
• We Couldn't Agree More

Illiterature: Tom Wiffloo & The Lonesome Hangnail

In our continuing effort to bring you wee blobs of modern culture, we present the following excerpt from page-churner Stephen King's upcoming book, “Tom Wiffloo & The Lonesome Hangnail”

"… The five boys met down at the parking lot behind the burned out remains of Foley’s department store. It was a summer meeting place where teams were regularly chosen for stickball, or kickball, or street hockey, or whatever the day decided. Today, the sun was especially hot and so, since there were not enough of them for fair teams, the boys decided to spend the afternoon swimming in the cool water of the abandoned quarry at the edge of town. And, wanting to waste none of their precious vacation, they were off, five boys on three bikes, all pumping legs and waving arms and summer laughter.

Finally, they reached the barrier of trees surrounding the quarry and dropped their bikes where they stopped. They undressed quickly to their underwear and ran unerringly through the woods to the edge of the vast pool. They reached the quarry almost simultaneously and, as if inspired by the sound of their own cheers, dove in.

Only moments had passed before each boy was pulling himself out onto the rocks, sobbing and gasping; the summer had gone wrong. The boys ran home, crying, without looking at each other, without looking back.

Someone had filled the quarry with vomit."

Also in this series...

• The Uncut Bible

We've Gotta Pay The Bills Somehow...

Also in this series...

• Orleans Horsemeat Dog Food
• The High Roller's Club of Monte Carlo

Editorial: Truth In Advertising

Here at the J.E.I. we think the American consuming public is primed for brutal truth in advertising: sell more Chia Pets by advertising it as an unwanted gag gift; sell more fancy toothbrushes by using the word "fancy" in your ad; move more Star Wars action figures by running the ads on pay-per-view porn channels.

It’s simple, really… admit your audience and your product. If you told us that your new brand of bubblegum X loses flavor really fast, but is unbelievably tasty for a minute or so, we’d probably give it a spin. If you admitted that your electric razor has none of that "floating head" nonsense, but it gave you a pretty good shave for the money, we think people would appreciate it. Is that so hard? Anyway, here are a few suggestions for other products...

	Olestra ”You'll get the leaky shits, but won't you look trim?”
Utz Popcorn ”Sure, it's kinda stale, but it's easier than popping it yourself!”
	Diet Coke ”Our cans look a lot less white-trashy than Pepsi.”
Scotch Brand Tape ”Pay a little extra for the assurance that your packages won't look like shit.”
	Marlboro Lights ”Let's face it, a cigarette is a cigarette, but at least you'll be able to pretend you're making an effort.”
Manischewitz Unleavened Matzah ”Be a good Hebrew.”
	Oscar Mayer Bologna ”Somehow, we seem less disgusting than a local brand.”
Microsoft ”We'll get you.”
	Tic Tacs ”Admit it-- you buy them for the box.”
Motorola Personal Communicators ”Now responsible for only 10% of the nation's brain cancer!”
	Honda ”It's the best you can afford.”
Stetson ”What's a little hat-hair?”
	Nike ”We make shoes for whitey, too.”
Sears ”Fashion, schmashion.”
	K-Mart ”Let's face it, you're a little strapped, huh?”
Maxwell House ”Good enough to drink!”
	LL Bean ”When's the last time you actually went for a hike?”
American Standard ”Don't be embarrassed by your crapper.”
	Victoria's Secret ”Yeah, right...you just need the right bra to look like this.”
Empress Toilet Tissue ”When it's only an employee's ass, one-ply is plenty.”

Also in this series...

• So Much For Buying Respect
• Food Horrible Food

Hot Or Not? Jerry Lewis Keeps It Real

He's large and in charge. Once again, Jerry Lewis is back to tell all the chumps at Hot Or Not to check themselves before they wreck themselves. So without further ado, here's Jerry to tell all you hotties and notties the whole truth and nothing but...

"I swear, I'm gonna be sick. Sweetheart, I'd like to introduce you to my doctor, Dr. Mel Anoma!. What can I say but not? Now excuse me, I'm going to go retch into the umbrella stand!"

Also in this series...

• Jerry Lewis Knows

The J.E.I. Seal Of Approval II

The Journal of Ephemeral Inspiration is magnanemous in our support and promotion of our web bretheren. But do we get anything in return? A plug? A simple referral? Not a crumb. OK, screw thse guys. Read their sites, but dammit, don't think about enjoying it.

• EphemeraNow.com
  If our hearts weren't shrunken lumps of black tar, this is the kind of site we'd create.
  
• Spaced-Out.org.uk
  If you're in the U.S.of A. you probably haven't even heard of Spaced much less seen an episode. But take it from us, it's the best-written, most pop-culture reference-riddled and downright coolest sitcom we've ever seen. Did you like Shaun of the Dead? It's the same people.
  
• TheNewPornographers.com
  Not what you're thinking, probaby... it's band. A Canadian band, but don't let that throw you, they write and perform clever, catchy and complex pop music that will make you realize just how insipid most top 40 bands are.
  
• DeadOrAliveInfo.com
  Is Abe Vigoda still alive? You'd better check before you ask him to pick up your mail while you're on vacation.
  

Well done, all. Insania Fragilis, Fectum Dubitabilis!

Also in this series...

• The J.E.I. Seal Of Approval I

A Thousand Words: Problem Solved

What concerns us more is that the patrons of whatever multicultural establishment this is had to be told. Honestly, isn't it fairly easy in modern society to discern where you can and cannot poop? Not to mention... it's the swearing, Paul. There, we said it.


Also in this series...

• Not Electric, It Is Pleasant
• We Couldn't Agree More

Lost TV: The Andy Griffith Show

We're back with another installment of Lost TV. This week we explore a popular subject here at the J.E.I.: the seedy undertones running through the placid hamlet of Mayberry...

• Below is a TV Guide synopsis of an unaired episode of "The Andy Griffith Show”...
  

  
  March 14, 1963
  The Andy Griffith Show (CBS): Opie learns a valuable lesson in privacy after mistaking Aunt Bea’s impressive assortment of bizarre and disturbing marital aids for bathtub toys. Andy Griffith, Don Knotts, Ronnie Howard, Francis Bavier. 30 min.

Also in this series...

• Wild Kingdom

A Thousand Words: Not Electric, It Is Pleasant

It's not the sex with machines we object to. Nor is it the human-like torso that has been bolted on to the chassis in a Robocopian manner... it's that he just won't look us in the eye. It's almost as if he'd *sniff* rather be elsewhere than making sweet love to us... we knew we should have never have gotten involved with our doctor...



Also in this series...

• We Couldn't Agree More

Illiterature: The Uncut Bible

The following is an excerpt from our own Dr. Chalazion's upcoming book, “Gold, Frankenscence, Muhrr & Assorted Nuts”

"… by reinserting the edited text, the entire meaning of a verse has been altered significantly.

In other cases, the reintroduction of these once-lost words and phrases can leave the intended message relatively intact, and yet still change in remarkable ways the overall atmosphere of any given passage. In the case of the “Sermon on the Mount,” no in-depth analysis is necessary to realize that the event itself was probably a most grueling engagement under an unrelenting desert sun. But, whatever other talents he may have possessed, the Messiah’s physical stamina certainly has to come into question when we are presented with the true final moments of His address as revealed here; Jesus, no doubt reeling from the heat, imparted His cryptic closing wisdom, “Blessed are the carp, for they shall be shiny,” after which the Son of God apparently took four or five steps and vomited onto his own sandaled feet."

Hot Or Not? Jerry Lewis Knows

We'll admit it. We've spent a few afternoons here at the J.E.I. compound chuckling over the inflated egos and quiet desperation on display at Hot Or Not. But really, who are we to judge? Well, compared to Jerry Lewis, we don't know squat. So to all you hot-or-not-ers out there, pay attention. Jerry's gonna set the record straight.

"Oy the raccoon eyes! Maybe if you gave Max Factor the night off your pores would stop with the acne like a volcano and the hot lava and the hoisen claven... lay-dee! Darling, you may never walk alone, but you might have to wear a bag over your head. I gotta say... not."

We'll Be Back After These Messages...

Also in this series...

• The High Roller's Club of Monte Carlo

News: And A Habemus Papam To You!

Vegas had you as a longshot, but we here at the J.E.I. never counted you out. Congratulations and a hearty bon jovi to Pope Benedict XVI, Cardinal John Ratzenberger. Huzzah!

A Thousand Words: We Couldn't Agree More

Sometimes we think it's best to let the material speak for itself. Reportedly this hung over the desk of a Saturday Night Live writer after being repeatedly rejected by management for the Weekend Update segment. So rarely does what's wrong with SNL get summed up so easily.

Editorial: So Much For Buying Respect

Sometimes it's better to just leave well enough alone. Pick a scab, you're just gonna get a bigger scab. But all too often the spectre of "progress" prods us in the back and we're driven to the false conclusion that newer=better. Feh, we say. Feh indeed!

To that end, let's turn to the U.S. Treasury and take a look at the familiar design of the U.S. $50 bill, which has been greasing palms since 1929:



Nice, huh? It commands respect. We kicked ass in two world wars slinging suitcases full of these beauties. Now take a look at the "new and improved" finsky:



Oy. Kind of like Milton Bradley and the Parker Brothers were contracted to design leaflets for a rave. We can't swear to this, but we're pretty sure Ulysses S. Grant actually existed in shades of green and grey. His grim mug just does not jive with a gaily-colored subway tagging.

So do we curse the darkness or light a candle? True, cursing is so much more fun, but here at the J.E.I., we see the snowball gaining girth and encourage the Feds to keep going. In fact, we won't rest until the mighty U.S. of A. surges past the current silly money champions (no, not Canada), those laid-back square coin and purple stoned turtle-swappers of Aruba. Might as well be in for a pound since we're in for a pence.


Also in this series...

• Food Horrible Food

The Watercooler: Pot Yuck

Here at the J.E.I. compound, one of out guiltiest pleasures is intercepting "private" AOL Instant Messenger® conversations between our hard-working employees. So dedicated to the J.E.I. cause are our nameless minions that the hateful humor continues to flow even when they're under the false assumption that the watchful eye of Sauron is no longer upon them. Silly hobbits...

J.E.I. Employee #1 (2:05 PM):	I'm back, by the way...
J.E.I. Employee #2 (2:05 PM):	Ah. Nice to see you.
J.E.I. Employee #1 (2:06 PM):	Had to attend a pot luck, of all things.
J.E.I. Employee #2 (2:07 PM):	Right there at work?
J.E.I. Employee #1 (2:08 PM):	Smack dab in the middle.
J.E.I. Employee #2 (2:10 PM):	Mm. Home-made fun.
J.E.I. Employee #1 (2:11 PM):	Makes you long for the sterile facelessness of fast food.
J.E.I. Employee #2 (2:13 PM):	Yeah, I don't mind my food being assembled by some filthy ass-picking migrant worker as long as I never have to look at his face.
J.E.I. Employee #2 (2:14 PM):	Everything tastes a little nasty when you know your co-workers made it themselves, and only because they had to for pot luck day.
J.E.I. Employee #1 (2:15 PM):	With their strange spatulas...
J.E.I. Employee #2 (2:18 PM):	And their foil-wrapped little culinary tragedies.
J.E.I. Employee #1 (2:19 PM):	Their scratched and hazy Pyrex dishes.
J.E.I. Employee #2 (2:20 PM):	Their crusty pressure cookers and mis-matched cutlery.
J.E.I. Employee #1 (2:22 PM):	Their speck-flecked Crock-Pots and stained pot holders.
J.E.I. Employee #2 (2:23 PM):	Everyone quietly dropping their sad little casseroles onto wobbly card tables, and trying not to overhear the cruel "Who made this?" comments in reference to their half-hearted offering.
J.E.I. Employee #1 (2:23 PM):	Secretaries nearly come to blows as the party begins and there's still a line four-deep at the greasy communal microwave in the kitchenette.
J.E.I. Employee #2 (2:34 PM):	Of course, the office air, usually pleasantly musty and sour, is filled with the stink of "family recipes" that should've died generations ago.
J.E.I. Employee #1 (2:34 PM):	Larry, the sullen system administrator, is nearly reduced to tears when Carla, the gawky receptionist both bring two-litre bottles of Fresca and generic-brand cola.
J.E.I. Employee #2 (2:36 PM):	The stiff smiles between sporkfuls of pudding that tastes "not-quite-right" foretells of the gas and diarrhea-induced grimaces that will soon follow in bathrooms all over the building.
J.E.I. Employee #1 (2:38 PM):	Everyone pretends not to notice the sudden influx of once-distant employees who bring their recently-found empty-handed chumminess to the feed.
J.E.I. Employee #2 (2:41 PM):	And then the inevitable looks of repulsion at the aftermath, the half empty containers reflecting the gesture at bringing virtual strangers together for some trumped up social function.
J.E.I. Employee #1 (2:42 PM):	The sad three-bean salad sits untouched...
J.E.I. Employee #2 (2:43 PM):	After eating the expected 1.5 paper plates worth of cold potato salad and stringy beef stew, every step back to your desk recasts your face into the lifeless masque that no pot luck day could ever truly shatter.
J.E.I. Employee #1 (2:46 PM):	Consuela of the housekeeping staff mutters Spanish curses at the lazy white people as she gets down on her knees to clean her 23rd Saran-wrapped plate of abandoned leftovers out of the mini-fridge.
J.E.I. Employee #2 (2:50 PM):	That night, everyone is forced to recall the afternoon as they gather the soiled cookery that they had fully expected never to have to show another living soul outside of their homes. The walk to the Metro with half the food they brought to work, feeling the loneliness that one can only feel after discovering that no one likes their goddamned carrot cake after all.
J.E.I. Employee #1 (2:52 PM):	Little Timmy cries the tears only a child can as he's forced to eat night after night of reheated seven-layer dip and limp macaroni salad.

Lost TV: Wild Kingdom

All hail the luminous glass teat! Television will always tell us what we need to know, but sometimes, it can be a cruel temptress, witholding bits and pieces that add to the rich harmonic tapestry that is life. So here at The Journal of Ephemeral Inspiration we've hoisted the mantel and bring to you, in multiple installments, Lost TV (now in COLOR!).

• An excerpt from the diary of Marlin Perkins, outdoorsman and host of television's "Mutual of Omaha's Wild Kingdom"...
  

  
  June 7, 1974
  "Today, my partner Jim Fowler was crushed to death and then eaten by a giant anaconda as he tried to affix a tag to it. (We believe that the tag was consumed along with Jim.) I myself, while watching the spectacle from a safe distance in the jeep, became incontinent."