The Journal of Ephemeral Inspiration

The Journal of Ephemeral Inspiration promises a neverending spew of pointless minutae, brilliant yet useless ideas, troublingly cruel commentary and emphatic musings on whatever shiny object happens to catch our collective eye. Always remember, hate the game, not the playa.

Wednesday, February 01, 2006

News: State Of The Union, With A Vengeance

By Gurn Blanston, AP White House Correspondent

President Bush said Wednesday that even though the state of the union is strong, he understands why some Americans are worried in a time of war and job cuts.

"I understand there's an anxiety about the time of war," Bush said, trying to keep the momentum of the previous night's State of the Union address with an appearance at the Grand Ole Opry. "That's natural, seems like to me, even though this economy is roaring. It is strong, when you recognize we've overcome a lot."

In Tuesday's speech, the president rebuked critics of his stay-the-course strategy for the unpopular war in Iraq. "There is no peace in retreat," he said, "although there is a 'treat' in retreat. Y'ever notice that? Doesn't make sense."

Other notable and puzzling claims made by Bush included, "During my administration, we have significantly reduced the number of Weebles that fall down. Most of 'em now just wobble. That's better for America."

Steeling his resolve, the President insisted, "We must stay strong in the face of adversity, and stare down the evil-doers in the world, like Superman did with Lex Luthor back in the '70s."

Touting his recent victory in the confirmation of Justice Samuel Alito, Bush bragged, "I can only smile when I think of finally coming closer to restoring the proud legacy of the white man on the federal bench. Ginsberg and Thomas, I'm lookin' at you."

Addressing those who have criticized his policies about domestic wiretapping, Bush quipped, "If there are people inside our country who are talking with al-Qaida, we want to know about it, because we're having a helluva time finding those guys. We could star-69 'em or somethin'."

Striking a cautious tone, the President continued, "Tonight I ask you to pass legislation to prohibit the most egregious abuses of medical research: human cloning in all its forms, creating or implanting embryos for experiments, creating human-animal hybrids, like centaurs, satyrs, minotaurs and whatnot."

Turning to the people of hurricane-ravaged New Orleans, Bush was encouraging: "Just remember that with February comes Mardi Gras, and that means boobies. Lots of 'em. That sounds like a good deal to me."

Speaking to the citizens of Iran, Bush imparted, "America respects you and we respect your country. We respect your right to choose your own future and win your own freedom. And our nation hopes one day to be the closest of friends with a free and democratic Iran. So, y'know... get busy."

"Hindsight alone is not wisdom," Bush said. "And second-guessing is not a strategy." Bush quickly added, "And if a frog had wings he wouldn't bump his ass a-hoppin'," to a perplexed audience.

Also in this series...

Sunday, January 29, 2006

News: American Idol Uncensored: The Americanist Edition

Hot on the juggernaut heels of the one-two "Best of" and "Worst of" DVD punches, a giddy Fox network has announced their latest milking of their cash cow teat: American Idol Uncensored: The Americanist Edition.

Consumers can look forward to over three hours of raw cruelty as only Fox can deliver: chuckle as maternal ice-queen Paula Abdul claps like a flat-palmed seal bejeweled with garish costume jewelry while executing a series of sly eye-signals to her five personal assistants as to the boy-toy possibilities of the starstruck auditionees... howl as once-jolly fat man Randy Jackson throws down his gangsta snaps and street raps, with more awkward "dawgs" than the alley behind a Korean restaurant... but of course, it wouldn't be Idol without the sweet evil that is Simon Cowell.

The J.E.I. has managed to secure a preview copy of the forthcoming DVD, and we're proud to offer you a taste of some of the stinging "Britishisms" that only Simon can says:

"If I could, I'd invent a time machine so I can go back and impregnate your mother to stop you from being born."

"Your singing makes my ass bleed more than usual."

"I really really want to punch you."

"Don't quit your job as a piece of shit."

"Your singing makes me hate you and your entire ethnic group. Right, off you go."

"I can't believe someone hasn't killed you."

"If you're quite finished, I'm going to kill everyone in this room, and then take my own life by auto-erotic asphyxiation."

"Appalling. I'd rather listen to the death screams of another whore than listen to you sing one more note."

"Dreadful. Just motherfucking dreadful."

"You made me lose my chubby."

"Let me look at my checklist... sang out of key, check... danced like a diabetic in a candy store, check... annoyed me until Christ fell out of my belly button and ascended back to heaven, check. Get out."

"I wonder just who it is who hates you so much as to lie to you that your life is worth living."

"You're an asshole and you've got horrible tits."

Also in this series...