The Journal of Ephemeral Inspiration

The Journal of Ephemeral Inspiration promises a neverending spew of pointless minutae, brilliant yet useless ideas, troublingly cruel commentary and emphatic musings on whatever shiny object happens to catch our collective eye. Always remember, hate the game, not the playa.

Friday, June 03, 2005

Friday Round-Up: June 3, 2005

Tackling the task of being a Journal of Ephemeral Inspiration acolyte is no responsibility to take lightly. We're wall-to-wall insight peppered with savory nuggets of shocking ribaldry, with enough focused brilliance ready to burst "big bang-style" from our bodies that we laser-etch pin holes into the back of the urinal when we pee. OK, we're kidding about that last part (mostly).

But we're not inhuman (mostly). We want you to enjoy your reading experience as much as you can, and to that end, we offer your best shot at keeping your head above the foamy tide-- the Friday Round-Up. Now you can wind down your mind-numbing work week with a quick overview of the J.E.I.'s most recent columns. Fly, my pretties, fly...

Of course, you can always just read through the weekly archives to catch up, but we didn't have to tell you that, did we?

Thursday, June 02, 2005

News: Runaway Bride Pleads No Contessa To Felony

LAWRENCEVILLE, GA - With her once-jilted fiance at her side, runaway bride Jennifer Wilbinks pleaded no contest Thursday to a felony charge and wept as she was sentenced to probation, community service and a fine.

"Meesa soooo sorry for meesa actions and meesa jus' wanna to thanky Naboo County anna the underwater city ofa Duluth," a crying Wilbinks told the judge as she pleaded to a charge of making a false statement.

She was sentenced to two years of probation and 120 hours of community service. The judge also ordered her to continue mental health treatment and pay the sheriff's office $2,550, in addition to helping the Jedi fight the Trade Federation's droid army.

If she successfully completes her probation, the felony will be erased from her record, Gungan leader Boss Nass said.

Also in this series...

Wednesday, June 01, 2005

For Sale: Murdercedes

North Capitol St., Washington, DC. Late-model Mercedes, green. Slight homicide damage. $1500, firm.

Editorial: Missing Commandments (part 4)

OK, true-- Moses wouldn't have known a Buick from a Biscayne, so it's likely he gave his flea-encrusted noggin an extra scratch when Jehovah handed down these rules of the road. But even if you're piloting a chariot, the following list will help cut down on the fists shaken and birds flipped your way, Samson.

  • Thou shalt not drive like an asshole.
  • Thou shalt not use your cell phone in the car.
  • Thou shalt not leave more than one car length in front in bumper-to-bumper traffic.
  • Thou shalt not rubberneck.
  • Thou shalt use turn signals.
  • Thou shalt not assume that turn signals given by hand makes automobile drivers accept bicyclists as equals.
  • Thou shall keep up with traffic, or thou shall move to the right lane.
  • Thou shalt cross the street only at crosswalks, regardless if thou speaketh English or not.
Also in this series...