The Journal of Ephemeral Inspiration

The Journal of Ephemeral Inspiration promises a neverending spew of pointless minutae, brilliant yet useless ideas, troublingly cruel commentary and emphatic musings on whatever shiny object happens to catch our collective eye. Always remember, hate the game, not the playa.

Thursday, May 19, 2005

The J.E.I. Seal Of Approval VI

It's inevitable. You've checked your bank account, read the news, bought some crap you don't need, and surfed all the porn you can eat... what's left? Relax and let us do the driving, Timmy. We'll tell you wot's the dilly-o by recommending these fine sites that have earned the coveted J.E.I. Seal of Approval.

    This site describes itself simply as " humorous English mistakes that appear in Japanese advertising and product design." Such modesty.
    Another artist we like... but we're not sure we understand. No matter, I don't think you have to understand "Taste of Chicago" to dig it.
  • Alan W. Pollack's Notes On... Series
    Musicologist Alan W. Pollack's series of articles analyzing the complete works of The Beatles. If you understand what parallel minor keys and melodic flat sevenths are, this stuff is a fascinating read.
  • The Prelinger Archives
    We hope you've got broadband. Film historian Rick Prelinger has collected thousands of forgotten educational and industrical short films, many in the public domain and available for free download from the Internet Archive.

Well done, all. Insania Fragilis, Fectum Dubitabilis!

Also in this series...

Wednesday, May 18, 2005

Lost TV: Match Game PM

Boy, they don't make 'em like "Match Game PM" anymore. From Gene Rayburn's skinny microphone, to celebrity panelists smoking on air, to thin double-entendre set-ups like "blanking a blank in her blank," this show was all about the sexy 1970s.

A short list of the powerhouse talent says it all: Richard Dawson, Brett Somers, Joey Bishop, McLean Stevenson, David Doyle, Fanny Flagg, Dick Smothers, Patty Duke, Eva Gabor, Debralee Scott, Gary Burghoff, Roz Kelly, Nipsey Russell, George Kennedy, Donna Pescow, Lee Meriwether, Mary Ann Mobley... good god, do we need to go on? And those are just the regulars! The daytime roster couldn't hold back the Match Game juggernaut-- this was prime time, boy-o.

And of course, there's Charles Nelson Reilly. Who else could parlay a decades-spanning television presence out of effing "Lidsville," for christ's sake... genius.

The J.E.I. broadcasting archive has yielded yet another outstanding contribution to popular culture. This video transcription from a late 1975 episode of "Match Game PM" shows just how laid-back and casual the evening show had become in its first season, even with its seething undercurrent of failed careers and fading looks... roll tape.

[Theme music]
Johnny Olson: "It's Match Game PM... and here's your host, Gene Rayburn!"
[Audience applause]
Gene Rayburn: "Welcome to Match Game PM!"
Charles Nelson Reilly: "Hi Gene."
Richard Dawson: "Wha--? Hygiene?"
[Audience laughter]
Gene Rayburn: "Ha ha, you're a million laughs, Richard. Gary, how's life at the 4077th?"
[Audience applause]
Gary Burghoff: "Hi Gene! I brought a little toy for good luck..."
[Audience awww]
Gene Rayburn: "Luck? You poor crippled bastard... you don't win any money here..."
[Audience laughter]
Gene Rayburn: "But moving on-- Richard, how are those negotiations for your own game show going?"
Richard Dawson: "None of your goddamned business, Gene."
[Audience laughter]
Gene Rayburn: "Do you hear the way he talks to me?"
[Audience laughter]
Gene Rayburn: "If either of you two speak to me that way, they'll never find your bodies, I swear to god."
[Audience oooh]
Gene Rayburn: "Now let's play Match Game!"
[Audience applause]
[Theme music]
Panelists: "Yes, let's."
[Audience applause]
[Music stops]
Gene Rayburn: "Here's the first question... pay attention."
Gene Rayburn: "Richard Dawson... is a big 'blank'."
[Music starts]
[Music continues]
Gene Rayburn: "C'mon, Dick-- what's your answer?"
[Music continues]
Richard Dawson: (softly) "I swear to god, Gene, you keep riding me..."
[Music continues]
Gene Rayburn: You got something to say to me, pussy?
[Music continues]
Charles Nelson Reilly: (softly) "Why won't Gene ever pay attention to me?"
[Music continues]
Charles Nelson Reilly: (softly) "I have so much plastic attached to my face..."
[Music stops]
Gene Rayburn: "OK, Richard's a big fruit. No points won. Let's move on..."
Gene Rayburn: "Hey Gary, show us your deformed hand!"
[Audience applause]
Gary Burghoff: (softly) "I'm going to cry."
Contestant 1: "I love watching stars humiliate each other..."
Gene Rayburn: "Hey Brett-- how about making Gary a man?"
[Audience applause]
Charles Nelson Reilly: "Hey Gene... look, I'm funny!"
[Applause stops]
Richard Dawson: "You want me to humiliate myself? Is that what you vultures want?"
Richard Dawson:"Fine-- ladies' underwear. I wear ladies' underwear. Are you happy? I'm a little Mary."
[Audience laughter]
[Laughter continues]
Richard Dawson: (softly) "Oh god, I hope that wasn't a mistake..."
Contestant 2: "Ha ha... this is great!"
[Audience applause]

Also in this series...

Tuesday, May 17, 2005

News: Sit Down, American Idol, We Need To Talk

No one wanted this to work out more than we did, we swear. And Lord knows we've tried to find something to hang on to... Bo's coke busts... Vonzell's dad, Flavor Flav... but none of it felt real. Let's face it, after you cut Scott and Anthony loose, you changed. And we're moving on. We'll be in touch about our half of the security deposit, and you can keep the cat.

But "back up on the horse," right? Taking our cue from Jimmy Stewart and Kim Novak, we're whole-heartedly thrusting our affections on a reasonable facsimile. So let's hear it for the show that put the "Pope" in "popularity contest," our new obsession...

Father Mike Pillsbury
Scranton, PA USA
"A Horse With No Name"
Susan Schwab
Montreal, Canada
"Wake Up, Little Susie"
Father Roy Greasy
Vienna, Austria
"To Sir, With Love"
Sister Mary Agnes
Haute-Garonne, France
"Smoke On The Water"
Monsignor Al Babbit
Queens, NY USA
Kwam'e Mobootu
Mbale, Uganda
"Magic Bus"
Brother Georgi Hauwicz
Prijedor, Bosnia
"The Boy From New York City"
Sister Mary Pete
Chicago, IL USA
"The Tide Is High"
Pastor Tim Fink
Manchester, England
"Darling Nikki"
Cardinal John Flannery
Boston, MA USA
"Have You Ever Been Mellow?"
Ysef Al Bebee
Piryi, Greece
"We’ve Only Just Begun"
Lloyd John White
Austin, TX USA
"Tiny Dancer"
Reverend Dean Miller
Zanesville, OH USA
"Climb Ev'ry Mountain"
Syster Mary X
New York, NY USA
"Rock Lobster"
Father Harold O'Shea
Limerick, Ireland
"Space Oddity"
Sister Mary Catherine
Venice, Italy
Bim Fo Tet
Chipyong-ni, South Korea
"Dancing On The Ceiling"
Jesus H. Christ
"My Heart Will Go On"

Our money's on Jesus. Damned if he hasn't won the last three years in a row...

Also in this series...