The J.E.I. Seal Of Approval VI

It's inevitable. You've checked your bank account, read the news, bought some crap you don't need, and surfed all the porn you can eat... what's left? Relax and let us do the driving, Timmy. We'll tell you wot's the dilly-o by recommending these fine sites that have earned the coveted J.E.I. Seal of Approval.

• Engrish.com
  This site describes itself simply as " humorous English mistakes that appear in Japanese advertising and product design." Such modesty.
  
• RodgerRoundy.com
  Another artist we like... but we're not sure we understand. No matter, I don't think you have to understand "Taste of Chicago" to dig it.
  
• Alan W. Pollack's Notes On... Series
  Musicologist Alan W. Pollack's series of articles analyzing the complete works of The Beatles. If you understand what parallel minor keys and melodic flat sevenths are, this stuff is a fascinating read.
  
• The Prelinger Archives
  We hope you've got broadband. Film historian Rick Prelinger has collected thousands of forgotten educational and industrical short films, many in the public domain and available for free download from the Internet Archive.
  

Well done, all. Insania Fragilis, Fectum Dubitabilis!

Also in this series...

• The J.E.I. Seal Of Approval V
• The J.E.I. Seal Of Approval IV
• The J.E.I. Seal Of Approval III
• The J.E.I. Seal Of Approval II
• The J.E.I. Seal Of Approval I

Lost TV: Match Game PM

Boy, they don't make 'em like "Match Game PM" anymore. From Gene Rayburn's skinny microphone, to celebrity panelists smoking on air, to thin double-entendre set-ups like "blanking a blank in her blank," this show was all about the sexy 1970s.

A short list of the powerhouse talent says it all: Richard Dawson, Brett Somers, Joey Bishop, McLean Stevenson, David Doyle, Fanny Flagg, Dick Smothers, Patty Duke, Eva Gabor, Debralee Scott, Gary Burghoff, Roz Kelly, Nipsey Russell, George Kennedy, Donna Pescow, Lee Meriwether, Mary Ann Mobley... good god, do we need to go on? And those are just the regulars! The daytime roster couldn't hold back the Match Game juggernaut-- this was prime time, boy-o.

And of course, there's Charles Nelson Reilly. Who else could parlay a decades-spanning television presence out of effing "Lidsville," for christ's sake... genius.

The J.E.I. broadcasting archive has yielded yet another outstanding contribution to popular culture. This video transcription from a late 1975 episode of "Match Game PM" shows just how laid-back and casual the evening show had become in its first season, even with its seething undercurrent of failed careers and fading looks... roll tape.

[Theme music] Johnny Olson: "It's Match Game PM... and here's your host, Gene Rayburn!"
	[Audience applause] Gene Rayburn: "Welcome to Match Game PM!"
	Charles Nelson Reilly: "Hi Gene."
	Richard Dawson: "Wha--? Hygiene?" [Audience laughter]
	Gene Rayburn: "Ha ha, you're a million laughs, Richard. Gary, how's life at the 4077th?" [Audience applause]
	Gary Burghoff: "Hi Gene! I brought a little toy for good luck..." [Audience awww]
	Gene Rayburn: "Luck? You poor crippled bastard... you don't win any money here..." [Audience laughter]
	Gene Rayburn: "But moving on-- Richard, how are those negotiations for your own game show going?"
	Richard Dawson: "None of your goddamned business, Gene." [Audience laughter]
	Gene Rayburn: "Do you hear the way he talks to me?" [Audience laughter]
	Gene Rayburn: "If either of you two speak to me that way, they'll never find your bodies, I swear to god." [Audience oooh]
	Gene Rayburn: "Now let's play Match Game!" [Audience applause]
	[Theme music] Panelists: "Yes, let's." [Audience applause]
	[Music stops] Gene Rayburn: "Here's the first question... pay attention."
	Gene Rayburn: "Richard Dawson... is a big 'blank'." [Music starts]
	[Music continues] Gene Rayburn: "C'mon, Dick-- what's your answer?"
	[Music continues] Richard Dawson: (softly) "I swear to god, Gene, you keep riding me..."
	[Music continues] Gene Rayburn: You got something to say to me, pussy?
	[Music continues] Charles Nelson Reilly: (softly) "Why won't Gene ever pay attention to me?"
	[Music continues] Charles Nelson Reilly: (softly) "I have so much plastic attached to my face..."
	[Music stops] Gene Rayburn: "OK, Richard's a big fruit. No points won. Let's move on..."
	Gene Rayburn: "Hey Gary, show us your deformed hand!" [Audience applause]
	Gary Burghoff: (softly) "I'm going to cry."
	Contestant 1: "I love watching stars humiliate each other..."
	Gene Rayburn: "Hey Brett-- how about making Gary a man?" [Audience applause]
	Charles Nelson Reilly: "Hey Gene... look, I'm funny!" [Applause stops]
	Richard Dawson: "You want me to humiliate myself? Is that what you vultures want?"
	Richard Dawson:"Fine-- ladies' underwear. I wear ladies' underwear. Are you happy? I'm a little Mary." [Audience laughter]
	[Laughter continues] Richard Dawson: (softly) "Oh god, I hope that wasn't a mistake..."
	Contestant 2: "Ha ha... this is great!" [Audience applause]

Also in this series...

• M*A*S*H
• The Munsters
• Hogan's Heroes
• The Andy Griffith Show
• Wild Kingdom

News: Sit Down, American Idol, We Need To Talk

No one wanted this to work out more than we did, we swear. And Lord knows we've tried to find something to hang on to... Bo's coke busts... Vonzell's dad, Flavor Flav... but none of it felt real. Let's face it, after you cut Scott and Anthony loose, you changed. And we're moving on. We'll be in touch about our half of the security deposit, and you can keep the cat.

But "back up on the horse," right? Taking our cue from Jimmy Stewart and Kim Novak, we're whole-heartedly thrusting our affections on a reasonable facsimile. So let's hear it for the show that put the "Pope" in "popularity contest," our new obsession...

Father Mike Pillsbury Scranton, PA USA "A Horse With No Name"	Susan Schwab Montreal, Canada "Wake Up, Little Susie"
Father Roy Greasy Vienna, Austria "To Sir, With Love"	Sister Mary Agnes Haute-Garonne, France "Smoke On The Water"
Monsignor Al Babbit Queens, NY USA "Still"	Kwam'e Mobootu Mbale, Uganda "Magic Bus"
Brother Georgi Hauwicz Prijedor, Bosnia "The Boy From New York City"	Sister Mary Pete Chicago, IL USA "The Tide Is High"
Pastor Tim Fink Manchester, England "Darling Nikki"	Cardinal John Flannery Boston, MA USA "Have You Ever Been Mellow?"
Ysef Al Bebee Piryi, Greece "We’ve Only Just Begun"	Lloyd John White Austin, TX USA "Tiny Dancer"
Reverend Dean Miller Zanesville, OH USA "Climb Ev'ry Mountain"	Syster Mary X New York, NY USA "Rock Lobster"
Father Harold O'Shea Limerick, Ireland "Space Oddity"	Sister Mary Catherine Venice, Italy "Respect"
Bim Fo Tet Chipyong-ni, South Korea "Dancing On The Ceiling"	Jesus H. Christ Heaven "My Heart Will Go On"

Our money's on Jesus. Damned if he hasn't won the last three years in a row...

Also in this series...

• Vatican Fast-Tracks John Paul II Sainthood, Issues Commemorative Cookie Jar
• Tough Break, Chekov
• You Was Robbed, Dawg
• Your Next American Idol
• And A Habemus Papam To You!