News: Can You Feel The Hate? American Idol Is Back

The wait is finally over, you vultures. Yep, American Idol is back for season five and the mighty J.E.I. is just quivering with excitement. Not since Queen For A Day has a television show so perfectly hung on the premise that if you're willing to make a fool of yourself, you too can have your moment in the limelight.

Now, before we go any further...

You don't think those screechy divas and costumed dopes with their fetid cabaret and stumbly moonwalking actually think they will move through to Hollywood, do you? You are savvy enough to know that they calculate that a phenomenal display of talentless sucking will probably catch a sadistic grunt-level producer's eye, eventually kicking them up the food chain until they are allowed to perform their horrid self-debasement in front of collectively bored Paula, Simon and Randy, and thus having a shot at being on national television if only as a circus geek, right?

You know that, right?

OK, yes, some of them really think they can sing. Which makes their public humiliation even sweeter. And god help us, when they storm out of the audition room, furious mascara tears streaking down their puffy faces, flinging at the camera "street" obscenities and gestures they learned by deciphering the bleeps on TRL, that dear readers, is the fucking cherry on the sundae. We would love for one of them to "make it big" so that we could indeed be sorry. Please Jesus, make it one day be so.

But savor it while you can. For each season, a few weeks in, Idol makes an ugly turn to the dark side, attempting to manipulate viewers to care about these pinheads. Every reality show does it, from Survivor to Joe Millionaire to The Apprentice... so it's never a surprise. But it is always sad when the show goes from mocking to pimping (usually accompanied by a "worst of" clip show, since they can't shit on the finalists anymore). Just once we'd like to see a show with the stones to fuck over the contestants to the bitterest end.

Ah well... even the most beautiful cruelty is fleeting. At least we'll always make fun of you.

Also in this series...

• Whoville Breeds Green-Glowing Pigs
• Pat Robertson Surprised At Fuss, Sets Record Straight
• Fall 2005 J.E.I. Interns
• The Least Litigious Place On Earth
• Cartoon World Mourns Death Of Jabberjaw
• Olympics & Pans
• Mississippi No Longer Burning, Itching Persists
• Get Away From Her, You Bi-yotch!
• Alba's Nipple Fulfills Red Carpet Duties
• Runaway Bride Pleads No Contessa To Felony
• Sit Down, American Idol, We Need To Talk
• Vatican Fast-Tracks John Paul II Sainthood, Issues Commemorative Cookie Jar
• Tough Break, Chekov
• You Was Robbed, Dawg
• Your Next American Idol
• And A Habemus Papam To You!

Food Of The Gods: Pocky, Pretz & Pretenders V

If everything we needed to know we learned from Star Trek, we know we can count on the fifth part of any series to be its Shatner-helmed nadir.

But fret not, as Chris Plummer is waiting in the wings with his bolted-on eyepatch and warmed-over Hamlet, ready to discover our undiscovered country. It at least gives us a shot at going out on a high note.

And by the way, it bears repeating; if you haven't done so, take a look at our Flickr gallery, "Pocky, Pretz & Pretenders" to see hundreds of flavor and packaging versions of Pocky and the like.

But enough chit-chat, you came here for the Pocky lowdown. We more-or-less proudly present round cinco of the J.E.I. Pocky Taste Test: The Final Frontier.

		Milk Chocolate Pocky (Milk-chocolate covered wheat biscuit sticks) Eh. Not bad, not great. The overly-sweet chocolate and the strong wheatiness of the stick step on each other's feet in their mad dash to tickle our taste buds. Message to Glico: never, never give the stick a stronger flavor than the coating.
		Custard Fondu Mousse Pocky (Whipped custard-flavored covered biscuit sticks) We've gone on record as not being fans of Pocky's Mousse line of treats. Mostly, they have come across as unbalanced, sometimes greasier tasting versions of their normal cousins. Maybe we're going soft, but Custard Fondu Mousse Pocky is... well, fine. Not bad at all. Won't make the finals, but we'd buy it in a pinch.
		Chocolate Chaud Mousse Pocky (Whipped chocolate covered biscuit sticks) See, you got cocky, Mousse Pocky. Readers may as well hop on over and read our tepid review of Chocolate Mousse Pocky. We don't know exactly what "chaud" is, but we can tell you it ain't "deliciousness." However, we do like the stripes.
		Honey White Almond Crush Pocky (White chocolate and almond bits covered biscuit sticks) We can't help feeling ripped off when, instead of a jam-packed mosh-pit of sweet sticks, a sparse and orderly row of almond-encrusted bus stop waiters greets us upon opening the box. Oh well. The "white" being somewhat obvious, we can't really make out any honey flavor. Nor is it really that different than Almond Crush Chocolate Pocky. So knock yourself out, whatever you can grab.
		Caramel Pocky (Caramel-flavored covered biscuit sticks) We definitely get a solid hit of caramel biting into these sticks, but the aroma quickly drifts to a flavor something very similar to Cheesecake or Yogurt Pocky. Which in and of itself is fine, but when a Pocky can't distinguish itself in a crowd, our eyes start to glaze.

Next time: Sesame? Soybean? We brave the waters of the scary Eastern palette. Sit tight, Pocky Pals...


Also in this series...

• Pocky, Pretz & Pretenders IV
• Pocky, Pretz & Pretenders III
• Pocky, Pretz & Pretenders II
• Pocky, Pretz & Pretenders I
• The Fool's Gold Loaf