Friday Round-Up: July 29, 2005

The best part of a power outage is the moment the lights flick off. Here at the compound, we race to see who can be the first to set and spike the following exchange:

"They cut the power..."
"How could they cut the power? They're animals, man!"

It's pretty much downhill from there, fun-wise.

Due to nature's pissy wrath and weak-ass busted trees, it was kind of a short week of updates here at the JEI, but our troubles are your opportunity to catch up on any articles you may have missed. ...

Advertising As authentic as anything else we do. Pencil Portraits By Chris Hey! It's Another Snotty Ad Parody! We Feel So Cheap... They Swear The Check Is In The Mail... We've Gotta Pay The Bills Somehow... We'll Be Back After These Messages... And Now A Word From Our Sponser... Bad Art We don't know a lot about art but we know what we hate. Jesus Out To Lunch Scary Tree Correction A.K.A "Please withdraw your lawsuit." We Don't Dwell On Your Mistakes. Editorial Opinions are like bellybuttons: a useless deforming scar. Missing Commandments (part 6) Missing Commandments (part 5) Missing Commandments (part 4) Missing Commandments (part 3) Missing Commandments (part 2) Missing Commandments (part 1) Truth In Advertising So Much For Buying Respect Food Horrible Food Feature Articles Finally, some meat on this bone. The Secret Files Of Jimmy Olsen (part 3) The Secret Files Of Jimmy Olsen (part 2) The Secret Files Of Jimmy Olsen (part 1) Food Of The Gods Would that we could eat like them. The Fool's Gold Loaf For Sale Caveat Emptor. Seriously. A Message To Other Criminal Guitars Murdercedes Hot Or Not? Celebrities ridicule the insecure. Fun. James Brown... Well, We're Not Really Sure Let's Hear From James Brown Jerry Lewis Has Had Enough Jerry Lewis Keeps It Real Jerry Lewis Knows Illiterature Because reading is fundemental. Harry Potter & The Big Fat Payday Science Fictionology That Island Over There With The Trees Tom Wiffloo & The Lonesome Hangnail The Uncut Bible Lost & Found Uniting keepers and weepers. Extra-Krispy Kreme Strap On... Strap Off... Innappropriate [sic] Language Lost TV Untold tales of the glowing glass teat. The Dukes of Hazzard Match Game PM M*A*S*H The Munsters Hogan's Heroes The Andy Griffith Show Wild Kingdom

News Stop the presses. Cartoon World Mourns Death Of Jabberjaw Olympics & Pans Mississippi No Longer Burning, Itching Persists Get Away From Her, You Bi-yotch! Alba's Nipple Fulfills Red Carpet Duties Runaway Bride Pleads No Contessa To Felony Sit Down, American Idol, We Need To Talk Vatican Fast-Tracks John Paul II Sainthood, Issues Commemorative Cookie Jar Tough Break, Chekov You Was Robbed, Dawg Your Next American Idol And A Habemus Papam To You! Poetry There once was a girl from Nantucket... The Wind & The Bird Remember, George, No Man Is A Failure Who Has Friends... The Savage Breast Music, not boobs. Master It! Science! What she blinded us with. Seriously, What The Hell? There Is No God Seal Of Approval Sites that don't suck so much. The J.E.I. Seal Of Approval X The J.E.I. Seal Of Approval IX The J.E.I. Seal Of Approval VIII The J.E.I. Seal Of Approval VII The J.E.I. Seal Of Approval VI The J.E.I. Seal Of Approval V The J.E.I. Seal Of Approval IV The J.E.I. Seal Of Approval III The J.E.I. Seal Of Approval II The J.E.I. Seal Of Approval I Storytime Corner Once upon a time... . A Wee Nancy Story A Thousand Words What a picture is worth, depending on exchange rates. Tonytown Full Frontal Green Pepper Like Sacks Of Wet Cement The Love God Press Button, Receive Bacon Yes Sir Problem Solved Not Electric, It Is Pleasant We Couldn't Agree More Watercooler Intercepted communications amongst the staff. Pot Yuck Wish List Or, as Black Flag said, "Gimme gimme gimme." The Real Batmobile Shag Disneyland Prints Batgirl Barbie Bible Bars Tie Fighter Desk Karatist Preacher

Insania Fragilis, Fectum Dubitabilis!

The J.E.I. Seal Of Approval X

Sorry for the posting delay, kids-- a one-two punch of pop-up thunderstorms and microbursts wreaked havoc with the public utilities that feed juice and connectivity to the JEI compound. Fortunately, we were able to get back on the grid in time enough to thwart Hans Gruber's attempt to break into our electro-locked safe and steal our stash of bearer-bonds... anything to keep John McClaine from stripping down to a beater and bare feet and shooting up our expensive utility infrastructure. Again.

So we're back, and happy to offer our tenth batch of approved sites. Enjoy with a vengeance.

• Snopes Urban Legends
  From alligators in the sewers to... something starting with Z, Snopes is an excellent compendium of urban legends, both true and complete bullshit.
  
• Bobby Neel Adams Age-Maps
  Bobby's come up with a neat idea-- splice photos of a person from different ages of their life to create one image. Not creepy at all, right? Better have a look.
  
• Funky16Corners
  Larry Grogan has a superfly collection of obscure funk 45s from the late '60s and early '70s, and he's willing to share. He updates frequently, but only the most recent are available, so check often. What's that? What's a 45 you say?
  
• Eat 2003
  On New Year's Eve 2002, Christopher Jennings decided on a whim to photograph everything he would eat in 2003. It's the kind of brilliantly simple idea that makes us call a meeting and threaten to fire the entire JEI staff if they don't start pitching better ideas.
  

Well done, all. Insania Fragilis, Fectum Dubitabilis!

Also in this series...

• The J.E.I. Seal Of Approval IX
• The J.E.I. Seal Of Approval VIII
• The J.E.I. Seal Of Approval VII
• The J.E.I. Seal Of Approval VI
• The J.E.I. Seal Of Approval V
• The J.E.I. Seal Of Approval IV
• The J.E.I. Seal Of Approval III
• The J.E.I. Seal Of Approval II
• The J.E.I. Seal Of Approval I

The Secret Files Of Jimmy Olsen (part 3)

Stop! Jimmy time. He's back, with another installment of...

Hi gang, Jimmy here. Welcome to the third part of my series where I take you into my secret files. The swell folks at The Journal have been great to allow me so much space to share with you all the fun photos and stories about what it was like to grow up with the superheroes. Let's go!

As the supers started growing up and heading off to college, most of them hadn't begun their careers as crime-fighters or even figured out if they were heroes or villains. But these were good times, as they got to know each other better and accepted new faces into their ranks. I was still in grade school, but since my mom was sort of the unofficial "founder" of the superparties, I was allowed to visit. My mom was happy to let me stay out late, I guess because she knew I'd be around such great role-models, like Mr. Kent. Like I once overheard my mom tell my aunt on the phone, "That Clark sure knows how to take care of his mistakes." He didn't like to come over to my house much after that.
Mr. Kent sure is starting to look like a natural leader, huh? Hal Jordan was a new addition to the gang, and Mr. Kent secretly told me that Hal's story about how aliens gave him that lantern that was the source of his powers was bunk-- Mr. Kent had put some uranium in an old oil lamp and hired some kids to dress up in costumes. Back then we didn't know much about the dangers of radiation, but it was still a good joke. And though she'd soon lose the baby fat, Kara was really sensitive about her weight back then-- I once called her "Supersizegirl" to Mr. Kent; she found out somehow and came up behind me and pushed me into a door frame. That's how I chipped my tooth the first time.
Dick Grayson once told me that he never really wanted to be a superhero, but just wanted to find a way to impress Mr. Wayne. Dick was always really busy at the mansion, changing the oil on the Batmobile, ironing the costumes, etc, so when he had a chance to blow off steam, he'd just go nuts. Speaking of Mr. Wayne, I seem to recall it was about this time that he started developing his "scary" personae. It just got worse when he was drinking; he would get so angry over the smallest thing. Dick would sometimes call him "Mommie Dearest" which I think was a private joke.
On the other hand, Bruce Banner could not have been a more care-free guy in those days. He spent most of his time as The Hulk, laughing it up, making new friends... sure, he'd usually end up smashing a coffee table or turning over a parked car, but most of the time he was the life of the party. I think nowadays they call that manic depression, but we didn't know that back then. And there's Pete Parker again... that guy just couldn't take a hint.
Logan usually didn't like to be photographed by me-- seconds after I snapped this picture, he shoved the camera into my face, which really hurt a lot. Mr. Kent was standing behind me and got really mad at me when I fell into him and spilled his drink, so I guess he didn't see I was pushed. I apologized and got him a new one and that made it OK. The rumor back then was Pamela Isley (Poison Ivy) and Jake Olsen (Thor) were dating, and she used to tell people his pet name for her was "beard." I didn't get the joke, but who can understand people in love?
Arthur didn't like walking around in a wet costume all the time, so he always kept some dry clothes stashed in the dorms. I had to rescue this last picture from the trash, Diana said she never wanted to see it again... I'm not really sure what happened but it had something to do with the guy she's with pretending to be a girl, and some bet a fraternity had made, I'm not really sure. I heard the guy ended up in the emergency room because of some sort of accident, uh... down there. Like Mr. Kent used to say, "never give an Amazon steak when she ordered fish, Jim." Bad service in a restaurant can be really frustrating.

That's it for this week, gang-- next week, more college memories and we'll meet a few new faces.

Until next time, this has been Jimmy Olsen, your super pal!

Also in this series...

• The Secret Files Of Jimmy Olsen (part 2)
• The Secret Files Of Jimmy Olsen (part 1)

Wish List: The Real Batmobile

Don't get us wrong, the "tumbler" in Batman Begins kicks ass and everything, but when it comes to super rad ride fit for a stylin' batpimp, the 1966 Batmobile from the TV show "Batman" is the only way to go. Designer George Barris took a 1955 Lincoln Futura concept car, added a sleek black paint job and a heap of bat-Bondo and built the coolest car ever.

Also in this series...

• Shag Disneyland Prints
• Batgirl Barbie
• Bible Bars
• Tie Fighter Desk
• Karatist Preacher