The Journal of Ephemeral Inspiration

The Journal of Ephemeral Inspiration promises a neverending spew of pointless minutae, brilliant yet useless ideas, troublingly cruel commentary and emphatic musings on whatever shiny object happens to catch our collective eye. Always remember, hate the game, not the playa.

Wednesday, July 13, 2005

Editorial: Missing Commandments (part 6)

We've come to our final installment of Missing Commandments, fair readers, and all together we've added a total of 61 rules you should have been following all along to get to Heaven (and sorry, there's no grandfather clause. Everyone who has died up to this point is in Hell).

This last batch speaks to the pretty baby whores of the music industry, the "musicians". To those who adorn our Tiger Beat covers and poop out the indistinguishable top 40 hits we illegally download, listen up or risk spending an eternity ducking Jerry Garcia's offers to "jam."

  • Thou shalt not rename thineself an unpronounceable symbol.
  • Thou shalt not confuse "rock stars" with "synchronized dancers."
  • Thou shalt not ever say "the new Beatles."
  • Thou shalt never forget thou is a fad.
  • Thou shalt not think you have anything relevant to say about politics if thou art a pop singer.
  • Thou shalt bow out gracefully when your career is over.
  • Thou shalt not claim to "retire," then emerge less than one year later.
Also in this series...