The Journal of Ephemeral Inspiration

The Journal of Ephemeral Inspiration promises a neverending spew of pointless minutae, brilliant yet useless ideas, troublingly cruel commentary and emphatic musings on whatever shiny object happens to catch our collective eye. Always remember, hate the game, not the playa.

Wednesday, April 20, 2005

Editorial: Truth In Advertising

Here at the J.E.I. we think the American consuming public is primed for brutal truth in advertising: sell more Chia Pets by advertising it as an unwanted gag gift; sell more fancy toothbrushes by using the word "fancy" in your ad; move more Star Wars action figures by running the ads on pay-per-view porn channels.

It’s simple, really… admit your audience and your product. If you told us that your new brand of bubblegum X loses flavor really fast, but is unbelievably tasty for a minute or so, we’d probably give it a spin. If you admitted that your electric razor has none of that "floating head" nonsense, but it gave you a pretty good shave for the money, we think people would appreciate it. Is that so hard? Anyway, here are a few suggestions for other products...

”You'll get the leaky shits, but won't you look trim?”
Utz Popcorn
”Sure, it's kinda stale, but it's easier than popping it yourself!”
Diet Coke
”Our cans look a lot less white-trashy than Pepsi.”
Scotch Brand Tape
”Pay a little extra for the assurance that your packages won't look like shit.”
Marlboro Lights
”Let's face it, a cigarette is a cigarette, but at least you'll be able to pretend you're making an effort.”
Manischewitz Unleavened Matzah
”Be a good Hebrew.”
Oscar Mayer Bologna
”Somehow, we seem less disgusting than a local brand.”
”We'll get you.”
Tic Tacs
”Admit it-- you buy them for the box.”
Motorola Personal Communicators
”Now responsible for only 10% of the nation's brain cancer!”
”It's the best you can afford.”
”What's a little hat-hair?”
”We make shoes for whitey, too.”
”Fashion, schmashion.”
”Let's face it, you're a little strapped, huh?”
Maxwell House
”Good enough to drink!”
LL Bean
”When's the last time you actually went for a hike?”
American Standard
”Don't be embarrassed by your crapper.”
Victoria's Secret
”Yeah, just need the right bra to look like this.”
Empress Toilet Tissue
”When it's only an employee's ass, one-ply is plenty.”

Also in this series...