The Journal of Ephemeral Inspiration

The Journal of Ephemeral Inspiration promises a neverending spew of pointless minutae, brilliant yet useless ideas, troublingly cruel commentary and emphatic musings on whatever shiny object happens to catch our collective eye. Always remember, hate the game, not the playa.

Saturday, April 16, 2005

Editorial: Food Horrible Food

We've rarely complained about the fine dining facilities here at the J.E.I. compound (how could you when our Chocolate Pocky supplies are as neverending as a Ron Bushy drum solo?). But dammit, there are some things we just won't eat, no matter how many cartoon characters you slap on the box. Manga if you dare on the following low-selling unsavory delectables...

  • Stouffer's Chicken Back Platter®
  • Healthy Choice Pasta & Pig Feet®
  • Hungry Man Meatstuff De-Lite®
  • Swanson's Tofu & Cowteats for One®
  • Marie Callander's Lobes 'n' Cornbread®
  • Campbell's Chunky Turtle ‘n’ Leeks Soup®
  • Mrs. Paul's Deep Fried Anemone Platter with Hushpuppies®
  • Gorton's Toadfish & Black Olive Soufflé®
  • Chicken o' the Sea's Tainted Tuna Snak-Pak®
  • Kraft Macaroni & Head Cheese®
  • Dinty Moore's Beef Tripe Stew with Real Carrots®
  • General Foods "Soils of Many Nations" International Coffees®
  • Hormel's Maggoty Chili, Medium Hot®
  • Oscar Mayer "Throat Tissue" Franks & Beans®
  • Del Monte's Overripe Fruit Salad® (in heavy vegetable oil)
  • Klaussen Zesti-Snap "Brine & Urine" Pickle Chips®
  • SnackWells delicious low-fat "Clay-Ums"®
  • Kellogg's Grain & Beetle Farmer's Blend®
  • General Mills' Testicrunch® (with two scoops of vas deferens in every box!)
  • Post Rectoasties® (with spreadable choco-lax)
  • Betty Crocker's Sanitary Pad Bouillon®
  • Duncan Hines Genetic Building Blocks Consumé®