Friday Round-Up: July 22, 2005

We've redesigned the Friday Round-Up to allow easy and comprehensive access to every article in The Journal of Ephemeral Inspiration; now you have no excuse for missing a single stinking crumb of funny. Please to be enjoying...

Advertising As authentic as anything else we do. Pencil Portraits By Chris Hey! It's Another Snotty Ad Parody! We Feel So Cheap... They Swear The Check Is In The Mail... We've Gotta Pay The Bills Somehow... We'll Be Back After These Messages... And Now A Word From Our Sponser... Bad Art We don't know a lot about art but we know what we hate. Jesus Out To Lunch Scary Tree Correction A.K.A "Please withdraw your lawsuit." We Don't Dwell On Your Mistakes. Editorial Opinions are like bellybuttons: a useless deforming scar. Missing Commandments (part 6) Missing Commandments (part 5) Missing Commandments (part 4) Missing Commandments (part 3) Missing Commandments (part 2) Missing Commandments (part 1) Truth In Advertising So Much For Buying Respect Food Horrible Food Feature Articles Finally, some meat on this bone. The Secret Files Of Jimmy Olsen (part 2) The Secret Files Of Jimmy Olsen (part 1) Food Of The Gods Would that we could eat like them. The Fool's Gold Loaf For Sale Caveat Emptor. Seriously. A Message To Other Criminal Guitars Murdercedes Hot Or Not? Celebrities ridicule the insecure. Fun. James Brown... Well, We're Not Really Sure Let's Hear From James Brown Jerry Lewis Has Had Enough Jerry Lewis Keeps It Real Jerry Lewis Knows Illiterature Because reading is fundemental. Harry Potter & The Big Fat Payday Science Fictionology That Island Over There With The Trees Tom Wiffloo & The Lonesome Hangnail The Uncut Bible Lost & Found Uniting keepers and weepers. Extra-Krispy Kreme Strap On... Strap Off... Innappropriate [sic] Language Lost TV Untold tales of the glowing glass teat. The Dukes of Hazzard Match Game PM M*A*S*H The Munsters Hogan's Heroes The Andy Griffith Show Wild Kingdom

News Stop the presses. Cartoon World Mourns Death Of Jabberjaw Olympics & Pans Mississippi No Longer Burning, Itching Persists Get Away From Her, You Bi-yotch! Alba's Nipple Fulfills Red Carpet Duties Runaway Bride Pleads No Contessa To Felony Sit Down, American Idol, We Need To Talk Vatican Fast-Tracks John Paul II Sainthood, Issues Commemorative Cookie Jar Tough Break, Chekov You Was Robbed, Dawg Your Next American Idol And A Habemus Papam To You! Poetry There once was a girl from Nantucket... The Wind & The Bird Remember, George, No Man Is A Failure Who Has Friends... The Savage Breast Music, not boobs. Master It! Science! What she blinded us with. Seriously, What The Hell? There Is No God Seal Of Approval Sites that don't suck so much. The J.E.I. Seal Of Approval IX The J.E.I. Seal Of Approval VIII The J.E.I. Seal Of Approval VII The J.E.I. Seal Of Approval VI The J.E.I. Seal Of Approval V The J.E.I. Seal Of Approval IV The J.E.I. Seal Of Approval III The J.E.I. Seal Of Approval II The J.E.I. Seal Of Approval I Storytime Corner Once upon a time... . A Wee Nancy Story A Thousand Words What a picture is worth, depending on exchange rates. Tonytown Full Frontal Green Pepper Like Sacks Of Wet Cement The Love God Press Button, Receive Bacon Yes Sir Problem Solved Not Electric, It Is Pleasant We Couldn't Agree More Watercooler Intercepted communications amongst the staff. Pot Yuck Wish List Or, as Black Flag said, "Gimme gimme gimme." Shag Disneyland Prints Batgirl Barbie Bible Bars Tie Fighter Desk Karatist Preacher

Insania Fragilis, Fectum Dubitabilis!

News: Cartoon World Mourns Death Of Jabberjaw

The cartoon world is mourning Sol "Jabberjaw" Goldblum, who died Tuesday. The 1,910 lb. tiger shark was caught off the coast of Martha's Vineyard in an intense two-hour battle with local fishermen.

"It's tragic," said Biff, co-star and guitar player for the Neptunes, the fictional band featured on the 1976 cartoon, Jabberjaw. "Sol was always a professional, always delivered, but could never get the respect of the industry. If there was any justice in the world, Warner Brothers would be two pictures into a Jabberjaw franchise and Scooby Doo would be hanging up there over that dock."

Sadness is shared by the show's other stars. Bubbles and Clamhead, who married in 1982, released a joint statement. "Bubbles and I are saddened by Sol's death and out hearts go out to his family. But we know that if there's a shark heaven, he's up there right now gorging on an endless mound of seals. Wowee-wow-wow, Sol. Keep swimming."

One co-star, however, had a less nostalgic view of the show. "The residuals were completely unfair," claims Shelly, who played tambourine for the Neptunes and who has been featured in a series of direct-to-video adult cartoons. "I nearly destroyed my career on that show and ol' blubberhead managed to scoop up almost all the back-end money. I don't take any pleasure seeing his corpse strung up like that, but c'mon, he was a shark. Who cares?"

The Canadian-born Goldblum was enjoying a busy career as a character actor when he auditioned with ABC in 1976 for a role as an drummer in a new Hanna-Barbera under-sea musical comedic adventure show, based extensively on Scooby Doo and Josie & The Pussycats, which had been hits for the network. The show also hoped to capture the recent attention focused on sharks, which had been stirred up the previous summer by Steven Spielberg's film, Jaws.

"I knew it was a rehash," Goldblum recalled 30 years later. "But that's how this business works. If you got a hit, you milk it. What do I know from producing TV shows, I just say the lines."

The series attracted an enthusiastic following of aquatic fiction fans, especially among teenagers and children, but not enough ratings power. ABC canceled it after one season.

"A long and storied career is over. I knew Sol when he started out in Canada and I knew him in his last years in America, so we go way back. My condolences go out to his family," fellow Canadian William Shatner said. Goldblum and Shatner had co-starred on stage in the Montreal roadshow version of The Odd Couple in 1999.

When the series ended in 1977, Goldblum found himself typecast as the zany shark with a voice like Larry Fine from the Three Stooges. In 1983, he complained to his dentist, who advised him: "Sol, you're going to be Jabberjaw long after you're dead. If I were you, I'd go with the flow."

"I took his advice," said Goldblum, "and since then everything's been just lovely."

At 19, Goldblum escaped the turmoil at home by joining the Canadian army, becoming a lieutenant in the artillery. He was among the Canadian forces that landed on Juno Beach on D-Day. "The sea was rough," he recalled. "We were more afraid of drowning than the Germans. Well... I wasn't really, but you know what I mean."

He was shot six times: one that took off the tip of his right fin (he usually managed to hide the missing bit on the screen), four in his tail and one in the chest. The chest bullet was stopped by his silver cigarette case.

After the war, Goldblum on a whim enrolled in a drama class in Toronto. He showed promise and won a two-year scholarship to New York's famed Neighborhood Playhouse, where fellow students included Weird Harold, Tony Randall and Muttley.

His commanding presence and squeaky voice brought him work as a character actor in films and television, both in Canada and the United States.

Oddly, his only other TV series besides "Jabberjaw" was a small regular role on another underwater adventure, "Sea Hunt," in 1957.

Goldblum's first marriage produced forty-nine children. He had twenty-three children by his second marriage. Both marriages ended in divorce and many of the children were eaten soon after reaching maturity.

In a 1998 interview, Goldblum was asked if he ever got tired of being called Jabberjaw.

"Yeah, pretty much." he replied.

Also in this series...

• Olympics & Pans
• Mississippi No Longer Burning, Itching Persists
• Get Away From Her, You Bi-yotch!
• Alba's Nipple Fulfills Red Carpet Duties
• Runaway Bride Pleads No Contessa To Felony
• Sit Down, American Idol, We Need To Talk
• Vatican Fast-Tracks John Paul II Sainthood, Issues Commemorative Cookie Jar
• Tough Break, Chekov
• You Was Robbed, Dawg
• Your Next American Idol
• And A Habemus Papam To You!

Science! Seriously, What The Hell?

We know bird poop, and you sir are no bird poop.

OK, all kidding aside, what the hell took this ginormous dump on our car?



We've sent samples to the boys down in the JEI lab, and alerted the JEI compound perimeter security staff to keep an extra eye on the skies. We don't want to be premature about our conclusions, but let's just say we have a favorite theory. Stay tuned...

Also in this series...

• There Is No God

The Secret Files Of Jimmy Olsen (part 2)

Jimmy Olsen, the sycophant of steel himself, is back, and he brought pictures. We hope you enjoy the next installment of....

Hi again gang, it's your super pal Jimmy, or as Mr. Kent used to call me, "J.O." Last week I told you all about how the superheroes were like in real life, as opposed to the actors you see in the movies and on TV. This week, I'm gonna take you back in time and show you some neat photos of when we first started getting to know each other.

Just 'cause you have superpowers doesn't mean you can't be a regular teenager, and like most teens, the superheroes liked to socialize. My mom started throwing "superparties" at our house every weekend; "How else is someone like you going to make friends, Jim?" she used to tell me, and she was right, I made best friends a guy could have. She always baked a special cake for Mr. Kent, and I think he appreciated it because he was always doing nice things for her like giving her back-rubs and helping her with housework when I was at school and after I went to bed. I think it's great when your best pal and your mom get on so well.
Mr. Kent was never too worried about anyone seeing through his "Clark" disguise; I once asked him why he even bothered with a secret identity and he said, "Your mom likes me in a suit." I think that's great how nice he was to my mom. Sometimes, Mr. Kent would bring his cousin Kara to the parties. She was a cute kid, but once pushed me off the front porch and I hit my head on the birdbath. She giggled a lot about it, but I don't think she meant any harm.
Mr. Wayne and Dick Grayson were the first to really put a lot of effort into their costumes, and they wore them all the time back then. They were inseparable, even when Mr. Wayne and Selina Kyle went on dates, though I can't imagine three people on a date would be all that much fun. A lot of the guys wanted to date Selina, even Mr. Kent, though he said he never did because he "never pays for it." She must have liked expensive dinners, that kind of stuff.
Barbara Gordon was really enthusiastic about being Batgirl and teaming up with Mr. Wayne, and sometimes he'd let her come along on patrol with Dick. Mostly, though, he didn't pay much attention to her, and I think that made her sad. Diana must have felt bad for her, because sometimes at the parties she'd try to dance with Barbara and hug her a lot. That was nice of her.
Bruce Banner used to turn into the Hulk more as a kind of gag back then; he was way more fun before he grew up and started getting so angry over things. And finally there's Pete Parker. You know... it's hard to say mean things when you're talking about a little kid, but knowing what I know now about the guy, I'm sorry I ever invited him to the parties. He has still never apologized to my mom for what he did in our pool.

Wow, what great memories! I can't wait to show you more photos and tell you more about all the good times I had growing up with the superheroes. Next week, college!

Until next time, this has been Jimmy Olsen, your super pal!

Also in this series...

• The Secret Files Of Jimmy Olsen (part 1)

Lost TV: The Dukes Of Hazzard

Well, Cooter may not cotton to the idear, but like it or not, Jessica Simpson's ass will soon be filling 30 ft. cut-offs on the silver screen of a multiplex near you.

So in preparation for them damn Duke boys makin' their way the only way they know how on the big-screen, The J.E.I. is pleased as pie to take you back to visit that stuntastic CBS juggernaut, The Dukes of Hazzard. In 1979, if it was a Friday at 8:00pm, this is likely what was on the TV you were watching.

• Below is a TV Guide synopsis of an unaired episode that fell a little short of the show's typical hayseed hijinx.
  

  
  February 10, 1981
  The Dukes of Hazzard (CBS): While Boss Hogg and Roscoe smuggle stolen slot machines to the Boar's Nest, Daisy and Uncle Jesse search for Bo and Luke and find the two suffering from spinal compressions, cranial bleeding, and torn retinas inside the crumpled General Lee, which, having failed to successfully complete a jump, lies upside-down at the bottom of a dry riverbed. John Schneider, Tom Wopat, Catherine Bach. 60 min.

Also in this series...

• Match Game PM
• M*A*S*H
• The Munsters
• Hogan's Heroes
• The Andy Griffith Show
• Wild Kingdom

Bad Art: Jesus Out To Lunch

Skree-ations hits another one out of the Bad Art park. You've got until August 10 to claim "Jesus Out To Lunch" as your own, and we'd be lying if we told you we weren't a little tempted ourselves.

The abstract LeRoy Neiman-esque background, the jaunty angles of Christ's "out to lunch" sign and thorny crown... the effect is a wry insight that while Jesus died for your sins, the last temptation of Christ was a little mid-crucifixion gnosh. You can almost hear the comic "wah-wah-waaah..." music cue and canned studio audience laughter when a distraught Mary Mag'dalene shows up to mourn at the feet of her slain savior, only to find this head-scratcher. Benny Hill could have done no better.

$30 plus $15 shipping could make us the envy of our artsy-fartsy and Christian fundamentalist neighbors alike. It's the perfect bridge to span the yawning chasm that is the American political landscape. God bless you , Skree. God bless you real hard.
Also in this series...

• Scary Tree

The J.E.I. Seal Of Approval IX

Get ready for another week deep in the bosom of Summer, readermonkeys; here in the Nation's Capitol® it's oppressive humidity and sweaty ass-cracks all around. Hopefully the weather is less brutal whereever you reside, but just in case it's not, here's a refreshing pitcher of ice cube-chilled sites for you to drink in, all bearing the J.E.I. Seal of Approval on their condensation-drenched labels.

• Drew Struzan
  You gotta give George Lucas credit for something: he's pretty much the only film maker still employing illustrators for his movie posters (though feel free to continue to despise him for the movies themselves). Drew Struzan's site will remind you what good one-sheets used to look like.
  
• Mice Age
  A top-notch round-up of all things Disney, Mice Age is currently featuring a great multi-part photo essay on Disneyland's opening (50 years ago this week, actually).
  
• Men Who Look Like Kenny Rogers
  The name of the site pretty much says it all. We admire a site that devotes itself to doing the one thing that no one else really cares to do.
  
• Bob & David
  What do Mr. Show, Tenacious D, The Larry Sanders Show, The Ben Stiller Show, and NewsRadio all have in common? Besides being funny? And cancelled? That's right, Bob Odenkirk and David Cross were involved in all of those shows, either as actors, writers, or producers. Their site keeps the world up-to-date on their latest projects (as well as people the work with), all in the name of comedy that doesn't suck.
  

Well done, all. Insania Fragilis, Fectum Dubitabilis!

Also in this series...

• The J.E.I. Seal Of Approval VIII
• The J.E.I. Seal Of Approval VII
• The J.E.I. Seal Of Approval VI
• The J.E.I. Seal Of Approval V
• The J.E.I. Seal Of Approval IV
• The J.E.I. Seal Of Approval III
• The J.E.I. Seal Of Approval II
• The J.E.I. Seal Of Approval I