Wish List: Karatist Preacher

Karatist Preacher - God's Power
Originally uploaded by pantufla.

We don't know if Mike Crain sings, if he recites, or if it's just an hour of the sweet sounds of him bustin' cinder blocks with the power of Jesus. What we do know is we want to hear it. In stereo. Hai-yah!

Lost & Found: Innappropriate [sic] Language

Yet another new column of jolly mockery, so throw your heads back and show some teeth, fair reader-monkeys. Before you know it, the Journal of Ephemeral Inspiration's perview will blanket the cultural globe like back hair on Robin Williams.

Today we smack our virtual magnum of champagne against the sleek bow of Lost & Found. Anyone wishing to claim any of the items presented here may do so via the comments tool. One at a time, please, and no elbowing.

Found: "udent Referral Form"
Location: Silver Spring, MD, USA
Date: May 25, 2005


Found as a heap of torn pieces, this offical middle school disciplinary document (in multi-color triplicate) was discarded near the curb along a busy street in a suburb of the Nation's Capital. Dedicated J.E.I. staffers meticulously reassembled the page, eager to find out what could have caused the owner to resort to such malicious litterbuggery.

Seems like José has a bit of a potty-mouth, no? And on the surface, we can get the gist-- student acts out, gets cited, and frustrated, tears up the form on the way home. Easy peasy. But let's look closer...



Transcribed:

"Loud and abusive:
* cursing
* racial slurs
- "Jews"
- "Germans"
* Doing no work
* harassing other students
Asked him 3x to work on his project + calm down -- he simply kept up his innap [sic] behavior"

Notes:

• Kuznetzoff can't spell "inappropriate"
• What is particularly infractory about posessing an electronic device? Do they mean stun guns or iPods? Do kitchen timers count? A pacemaker? Luddites!
• Just what does "OMLN" mean? It must be serious if they have to abreviate it.
• Why the typeface shift for the "Prior Action(s)" section?
• While we're at it, the lack of check marks indicates no actions were taken, and no resolution was achieved
• In fact, no one signed this form at all. What kind of joint are these people running?
• And since when were "Jews" and "Germans" considered racial slurs? Aren't those the actual terms we're supposed to be using for Zionists and Krauts?

Bravo, José-- you might be a bigoted hot-head who may one day rob us on a darkened street corner, but on this day you saw through the veil of lies and stuck it to the man. We'll salute your courage as we look up your address to send your referral form to your parents. Huzzah!

Science! There Is No God.

We offer to you, our readers, our newest column of oddities entitled, to be pronounced in a Dolby-esque manner, Science! We won't condescend by explaining its purpose.

We're aiming high with our first offering, as you likely gleaned from our balls-out title. We expect the less enlightened out there in Readerland to shudder at our brazenness and continue to cleave to their strung beads and crude wooden idols; but for those of you brave enough, read on. As evidence, we offer an excerpt from "Field Guide To The Slug." Prepare yourself.

"Although slugs are hermaphroditic, each animal equipped with both male and female reproductive organs, they mate with themselves only if no other slugs are around... The actual exchange of sperm is preceded by an elaborate courtship ritual...

During courtship, two slugs will circle each other ... with both partners engaged in ritualized bouts of lunging, nipping, and sideswiping with their tails. The two slugs may also display their disproportionately large sex organs. The great grey garden slug's penis is nearly half its total body length. In fact, penis size is reflected in the scientific name of one banana slug species: dolichophallus -- Latin for 'long penis.'"

Ha-ha, right? keep reading and see if you still think it's funny...

"'The sight of a courting pair of slugs majestically circling one another... while they solemnly wave their oversized penises overhead puts the most improbably athletic couples of Pompeii and Khajuraho into a more appropriate and severely diminished perspective,' note researchers C. David Rollo and William G. Wellington. 'Athletic' is an even more appropriate adjective for great grey garden slugs, which are able to copulate in midair, suspended by stretchy strands of mucus up to 17 3/4 inches long.

[F]or several more hours, their genital areas swell as the pair move even closer together. Penetration takes place, then each slug alternately releases and receives sperm."

See? You're getting creeped out, aren't you? It's downhill from here...

"Now the slugs must disengage -- a challenge for two animals so amply endowed and thoroughly covered in sticky mucus. After long bouts of writhing and pulling, the pair may resort to... apophallation. Translated, this means that one slug gnaws off the penis of the other. The apophallated slug cannot regrow his penis and is now obligated to be a female and forced to offer eggs."

In other words, a prison-style slug-punking. We'll give you a second to settle your throatful of bile. The worst is yet to come.

Here at the J.E.I. compound, we've been blessed to have been privy to this evolutionary horror not once but twice. And doing our inner-Jimmy Olsen proud, we now present a few of the photos. You've been warned.









There is no god... because if there were, he'd never allow something like this.

Hot Or Not? James Brown... Well, We're Not Really Sure

Judging Hot Or Not losers is not a task for the mere mortal, so don't feel bad, James. You may be superbad, but goddammit if we have no effing idea what you're saying. Finish out the day, then clean out your desk. We appreciate you coming in..

"Hai! " Issanevah gone know me... Fuppa mo time wheet messa gone to heah me now! Huh! Ya gatta gatta gatta know whassonna toofbrush. Hepmeh!

Also in this series...

• Let's Hear From James Brown
• Jerry Lewis Has Had Enough
• Jerry Lewis Keeps It Real
• Jerry Lewis Knows

A Thousand Words: Full Frontal Green Pepper

Never has a bit of green pepper seemed so anatomically inappropriate.


Also in this series...

• Like Sacks Of Wet Cement
• The Love God
• Press Button, Receive Bacon
• Yes Sir
• Problem Solved
• Not Electric, It Is Pleasant
• We Couldn't Agree More