Lost & Found: Innappropriate [sic] Language

Yet another new column of jolly mockery, so throw your heads back and show some teeth, fair reader-monkeys. Before you know it, the Journal of Ephemeral Inspiration's perview will blanket the cultural globe like back hair on Robin Williams.

Today we smack our virtual magnum of champagne against the sleek bow of Lost & Found. Anyone wishing to claim any of the items presented here may do so via the comments tool. One at a time, please, and no elbowing.

Found: "udent Referral Form"
Location: Silver Spring, MD, USA
Date: May 25, 2005


Found as a heap of torn pieces, this offical middle school disciplinary document (in multi-color triplicate) was discarded near the curb along a busy street in a suburb of the Nation's Capital. Dedicated J.E.I. staffers meticulously reassembled the page, eager to find out what could have caused the owner to resort to such malicious litterbuggery.

Seems like José has a bit of a potty-mouth, no? And on the surface, we can get the gist-- student acts out, gets cited, and frustrated, tears up the form on the way home. Easy peasy. But let's look closer...



Transcribed:

"Loud and abusive:
* cursing
* racial slurs
- "Jews"
- "Germans"
* Doing no work
* harassing other students
Asked him 3x to work on his project + calm down -- he simply kept up his innap [sic] behavior"

Notes:

• Kuznetzoff can't spell "inappropriate"
• What is particularly infractory about posessing an electronic device? Do they mean stun guns or iPods? Do kitchen timers count? A pacemaker? Luddites!
• Just what does "OMLN" mean? It must be serious if they have to abreviate it.
• Why the typeface shift for the "Prior Action(s)" section?
• While we're at it, the lack of check marks indicates no actions were taken, and no resolution was achieved
• In fact, no one signed this form at all. What kind of joint are these people running?
• And since when were "Jews" and "Germans" considered racial slurs? Aren't those the actual terms we're supposed to be using for Zionists and Krauts?

Bravo, José-- you might be a bigoted hot-head who may one day rob us on a darkened street corner, but on this day you saw through the veil of lies and stuck it to the man. We'll salute your courage as we look up your address to send your referral form to your parents. Huzzah!