The Journal of Ephemeral Inspiration

The Journal of Ephemeral Inspiration promises a neverending spew of pointless minutae, brilliant yet useless ideas, troublingly cruel commentary and emphatic musings on whatever shiny object happens to catch our collective eye. Always remember, hate the game, not the playa.

Saturday, July 16, 2005

Illiterature: Harry Potter & The Big Fat Payday

Bing! It's after midnight and the gag order on Harry Potter & The Half-Blood Prince is lifted...

Despite what Pope Benny The Rat and ex-Pope Johnny P. The Deuce said, here at the J.E.I. we think it's great that J.K. Rowling's Harry Potter series has kids across the globe reading books and worshiping Satan. Studies show that the black arts is a fantastic way to build self-confidence, develop life goals and slaughter scores of animals*. Plus, it looks solid on a college application.

So to make sure the kinder-witchcraft momentum doesn't slow, we'd like to present the super-secret titles to the next seven Harry Potter books you can look forward to losing your minds over:

  • Harry Potter & The Persistent Curse of Onan
  • Harry Potter & The Jerking Circle of Bliss
  • Harry Potter & The Lipstick Lesbian
  • Harry Potter & The Over-Hyped Author
  • Harry Potter & The Naboo Trade Embargo
  • Harry Potter & The Big Fucking Dragon
  • Harry Potter & The Really Important Character We Never Mentioned Until Now
* Studies do not show this.

Also in this series...

Friday, July 15, 2005

Friday Round-Up: July 15, 2005

It's been a big week here at the JEI; we added a new column, wrapped up our Missing Commandments series, kicked off a new series, The Secret Files Of Jimmy Olsen, and our readermonkeys are multiplying like bacteria on a flush handle. The more people we can offend with out shenanigans, the happier we are.

So if it's your first time here or you've already got a drawer in our dresser, enjoy this week's Friday Round-Up.

  • Advertising
  • Bad Art
  • Correction
  • Editorial
  • Food Of The Gods
  • For Sale
  • Hot Or Not?
  • Illiterature
  • The J.E.I. Seal Of Approval
  • Lost & Found
  • Lost TV
  • News
  • Poetry
  • Science!
  • The Secret Files Of Jimmy Olsen
  • Soothing The Savage Breast
  • Storytime Corner
  • A Thousand Words
  • Watercooler
  • Wish List

  • Point your eyeballs at the JEI Archives, kids. All funny for no money.

    Thursday, July 14, 2005

    The Secret Files Of Jimmy Olsen (part 1)

    You're in for a treat, faithful JEI readers, for we have managed to ink a deal with a man who's seen it all from the inside and is ready to tell the world his story. No, not Deep Throat, fuck that chump. Ladies and gentlemen (OK, probably just gentlemen), The Journal of Ephemeral Inspiration is proud to present the first installment of....

    Hi gang, Jimmy Olsen here. Boy, it sure is swell to finally be telling you about my days as a cub reporter for the Daily Planet and as the best pal of Mr. Kent (you probably know him better as Superman!)

    Most of you only know superheroes from comic books and from the actors and actresses who played them on TV and in the movies; you never got to see them in action. Well, boy, I'm here to say you sure missed something!

    The days of the superhero are pretty much over now, but back then I was lucky enough to be included in their world due to my close working relationship with Mr. Kent and Ms. Lane. Through them, I got to meet and hang out with all the big names, some of whom I'll tell you about here.

    Superman (Clark Kent)
    They just don't come any better than Mr. Kent. When someone was in trouble and calling for help, nine times out of ten they were hoping Mr. Kent was the one who shows up, I'll bet. I think I'm the luckiest guy in the world to have been his pal, even luckier than Ms. Lane, because Mr. Kent once told me he sometimes got sick of rescuing her over and over, and just wished she'd "stay the hell home." I don't think he liked her much toward the end. Sometimes he'd call her Lana.

    Batman (Bruce Wayne)
    Mr. Kent told me once that deep down, Mr. Wayne was the only guy he was afraid of. He would mention something about some photos then just start weeping... I never really knew what he was talking about, but it must have had to do with kryptonite or something.

    Robin (Dick Grayson)
    Some people you just never figure out no matter how hard you try. Dick's fanatical devotion to Mr. Wayne always seemed a little creepy to me. It was always "Batman this" and "Batman that" until you just felt like the guy was obsessed or something. I told Mr. Kent about it, and he just started laughing and muttered something about pirates I couldn't quite hear.

    Wonder Woman (Diana Prince)
    One time I asked Mr. Kent if he'd ever wished he'd had a superhero for a girlfriend, since Ms. Prince seemed like an obvious match for his greatness. He let out a big laugh and almost started to choke on his chicken wings. He told me what I didn't know about the ladies could fill a book and that Ms. Lane would have had a better shot. He was right, I really didn't know much about girls.

    Aquaman (Arthur "Orin" Curry)
    Aquaman didn't come to a lot of the get-togethers, so I didn't really know him that well. When he did show up, he'd have to keep ducking into the bathroom to get wet every hour or so. Boy, did it make Mr. Wayne angry when there was water dripped all over the Bat Cave floor. He never let us hold another reunion there again.

    Captain Marvel (Billy Batson)
    Billy Batson was just a kid, nothing special, but I'd guess if I had to be anyone else I'd be him, because he had the ability to become Captain Marvel, the world's mightiest mortal-- almost as super as Mr. Kent! Wouldn't that be great? Mr. Kent once told me the reason Billy called himself Captain Marvel was because every time he'd introduce himself as "Shazam" he'd get hit by lightning and change back to Billy Batson. I don't know if that's true or not, Mr. Kent used to say a lot of things when he was drinking.

    The Flash (Barry Allen)
    The first thing everyone asks is who would win a race between Mr. Kent and The Flash. Well, duh, Mr. Kent, no contest! I don't even need to wait for a rematch; Mr. Kent was really hung-over, and that beer can shouldn't have been left in the street. The Flash wouldn't have had a chance otherwise. Mr. Kent was the greatest at everything.

    Supergirl (Linda "Kara" Lee)
    I admit I once had a crush on Kara-- boy was she cute, and a genuine member of Mr. Kent's family! Who wouldn't fall for her? Mr. Kent kept telling me she was way out of my league, and he was probably right. I guess you had to be a pretty super guy to catch her eye-- in fact, Mr. Kent said a few times he thought about taking a shot at her. I don't think "cousins" means exactly the same thing on Krypton.

    Batgirl (Barbara Gordon)
    Barbara was another of the younger heroes, but she sure wasn't just a sidekick to Mr. Wayne and Dick Grayson. Once, she punched me in the throat for writing an article saying she did the cooking, laundry and dishes in the Bat Cave. She said from then on I was supposed to "stay the bleep out of her sight" and boy did I listen. I'm not sure how Mr. Kent got that information, but it must have been true if it made her so mad.

    Catwoman (Selina Kyle)
    It's strange how much Ms. Kyle was a part of the superhero social scene, given that she was a super criminal. The rumor was that she and Mr. Wayne used to date, but when she turned to crime he dumped her. For a while, Mr. Kent would fly her up to the Fortress of Solitude for interrogations that would last for days on end, but she must have been just an informant or something because he never turned her in for any crime. That used to really make Ms. Lane mad; she'd growl something about hoping he had "protection" so I guess she was concerned about his safety, but I didn't think Ms. Kyle had any super powers, so I'm sure there was nothing to worry about.

    Spider-Man (Peter Parker)
    You'd think being about the same age and both working for newspapers, Pete Parker and I would have been pretty good pals, but you'd be wrong. I couldn't stand the guy. He was always showing off, climbing up walls, shooting my hat off with those darn webs of his... calling me "Superboy." Boy, if I had powers like Mr. Kent, I'd have shown that Parker a thing or two about being a hero.

    Captain America (Steve Rogers)
    Mr. Rogers seemed like an OK guy, I did like his support for the American way. I suppose he was as close as the "other guys" had to a Mr. Kent, but I really didn't agree with his decision to wear a mask and use props. It was too much like... Batman. Too bad about his sidekick, Bucky-- someone should have told him to "just say no."

    Thor (Jake Olsen)
    I think somewhere on my great-grandfather's side of the family we're supposed to be related, maybe by marriage. Jake was kind of a hard guy to get to know since he kept saying he was a "god" and we just didn't have anything in common to talk about, really. I heard he went on to have a pretty successful career in adult films. You know, the kind with, uh... only fellas in them.

    The Hulk (David Banner)
    I never met a guy who could blow things out of proportion like Mr. Banner. One time he didn't get enough shrimp in his shrimp cocktail and ended up costing the restaurant owner over $80,000 in broken furniture and a big hole in his wall. Mr. Kent used to call that type of thing "the breaks" but it's one thing if you're foiling a robbery, and another if you just didn't get enough shrimp.

    Wolverine (James "Logan" Howlett)
    Mr. Logan always seemed angry, and I definitely think he didn't like me very much as his nickname for me was "cunt." He also smelled really bad. Not just from the cigars, but you know, from B.O.

    The Thing (Ben Grimm)
    Mr. Grimm was part of a team, but I never really got to know them much, as the were all part of the "other" guys. I do recall once he stepped on my foot and screamed a little-- Mr. Kent tried to cheer me up by laughing and joking around, telling everyone I cried like a baby. He was really good at showing me how to be a man.

    We've barely gotten started! Be sure to tune in next week because I'm going to share my notes and photos from the first official meeting of superheroes. You won't believe how young they looked!

    Until next time, this has been Jimmy Olsen, your super pal!

    Wednesday, July 13, 2005

    Wish List: Shag Disneyland Prints

    Adventureland Print
    Originally uploaded by megpi.
    A set of five limited edition serigraphs hand-signed and numbered by Shag will run you a grand, or you can drop ten large on any one of the original paintings if you have the means. We'll leave the choice up to you, just let us know what day to be available to sign for the FedEx shipment.

    Also in this series...

    Food Of The Gods: The Fool's Gold Loaf

    Pauline Nicholson, Elvis Presley's cook, who prepared the King's favorite peanut butter and fried banana sandwiches, died July 7 of cancer. She was 76.

    For comfort food, you just couldn't beat the menu at Graceland. In addition to Pauline's aforementioned PB&Bs, there was ugly steak, meat loaf, mashed potatoes, onion gravy, poke greens, crowder peas, buttermilk biscuits, Wonder Bread, sweet potato pie, fruit cocktail with mini-marshmallows, and all the Diet Shasta you could want, all available 24 hours a day.

    So in tribute to Pauline, the JEI would like to present our favorite Elvis recipe (sadly, not a Pauline invention, but a $50 specialty from the Colorado Gold Mine Company restaurant in Glendale, CO), as detailed in David Adler's book, "The Life & Cuisine of Elvis Presley." We're sure Pauline would have approved.

    Fool's Gold Loaf

    2 tablespoons butter
    1 loaf Italian white bread
    1 pound lean bacon
    1 large jar Skippy smooth peanut butter
    1 large jar Smucker's grape jelly

    Preaheat the oven to 350ºF. Spread the butter generously over all sides of the loaf. Place bread on a baking sheet in the oven. Meanwhile, fry the bacon until it is crisp and drain it thoroughly on paper towels. Remove the loaf from the oven when it is evenly browned, after approximately 15 minutes. Slice the loaf lengthwise and hollow out the interior, leaving as much bread along the walls as desired. While the bacon is still warm, fill the insides of the loaf with peanut butter and jelly to taste. Arrange the bacon slices inside the cavity, or, if desired, layer the bacon slices between the peanut butter and jelly. Close the loaf. Serve.

    Yield: 1 serving (Elvis), 8 to 10 servings (others)

    Approximately 6250 calories.

    Trivia Time: The last meal Elvis ate was four scoops of Sealtest ice cream and six Chips Ahoy! chocolate chip cookies.

    Editorial: Missing Commandments (part 6)

    We've come to our final installment of Missing Commandments, fair readers, and all together we've added a total of 61 rules you should have been following all along to get to Heaven (and sorry, there's no grandfather clause. Everyone who has died up to this point is in Hell).

    This last batch speaks to the pretty baby whores of the music industry, the "musicians". To those who adorn our Tiger Beat covers and poop out the indistinguishable top 40 hits we illegally download, listen up or risk spending an eternity ducking Jerry Garcia's offers to "jam."

    • Thou shalt not rename thineself an unpronounceable symbol.
    • Thou shalt not confuse "rock stars" with "synchronized dancers."
    • Thou shalt not ever say "the new Beatles."
    • Thou shalt never forget thou is a fad.
    • Thou shalt not think you have anything relevant to say about politics if thou art a pop singer.
    • Thou shalt bow out gracefully when your career is over.
    • Thou shalt not claim to "retire," then emerge less than one year later.
    Also in this series...

    Monday, July 11, 2005

    For Sale: A Message To Other Criminal Guitars

    East-West Highway near Sundale Drive, Silver Spring, MD. Some of a nylon-string acoustic guitar, notable damage. Tree does not convey. $250, firm.

    Also in this series...