The Secret Files Of Jimmy Olsen (part 1)

You're in for a treat, faithful JEI readers, for we have managed to ink a deal with a man who's seen it all from the inside and is ready to tell the world his story. No, not Deep Throat, fuck that chump. Ladies and gentlemen (OK, probably just gentlemen), The Journal of Ephemeral Inspiration is proud to present the first installment of....

Hi gang, Jimmy Olsen here. Boy, it sure is swell to finally be telling you about my days as a cub reporter for the Daily Planet and as the best pal of Mr. Kent (you probably know him better as Superman!)

Most of you only know superheroes from comic books and from the actors and actresses who played them on TV and in the movies; you never got to see them in action. Well, boy, I'm here to say you sure missed something!

The days of the superhero are pretty much over now, but back then I was lucky enough to be included in their world due to my close working relationship with Mr. Kent and Ms. Lane. Through them, I got to meet and hang out with all the big names, some of whom I'll tell you about here.

Superman (Clark Kent)
They just don't come any better than Mr. Kent. When someone was in trouble and calling for help, nine times out of ten they were hoping Mr. Kent was the one who shows up, I'll bet. I think I'm the luckiest guy in the world to have been his pal, even luckier than Ms. Lane, because Mr. Kent once told me he sometimes got sick of rescuing her over and over, and just wished she'd "stay the hell home." I don't think he liked her much toward the end. Sometimes he'd call her Lana.

Batman (Bruce Wayne)
Mr. Kent told me once that deep down, Mr. Wayne was the only guy he was afraid of. He would mention something about some photos then just start weeping... I never really knew what he was talking about, but it must have had to do with kryptonite or something.

Robin (Dick Grayson)
Some people you just never figure out no matter how hard you try. Dick's fanatical devotion to Mr. Wayne always seemed a little creepy to me. It was always "Batman this" and "Batman that" until you just felt like the guy was obsessed or something. I told Mr. Kent about it, and he just started laughing and muttered something about pirates I couldn't quite hear.

Wonder Woman (Diana Prince)
One time I asked Mr. Kent if he'd ever wished he'd had a superhero for a girlfriend, since Ms. Prince seemed like an obvious match for his greatness. He let out a big laugh and almost started to choke on his chicken wings. He told me what I didn't know about the ladies could fill a book and that Ms. Lane would have had a better shot. He was right, I really didn't know much about girls.

Aquaman (Arthur "Orin" Curry)
Aquaman didn't come to a lot of the get-togethers, so I didn't really know him that well. When he did show up, he'd have to keep ducking into the bathroom to get wet every hour or so. Boy, did it make Mr. Wayne angry when there was water dripped all over the Bat Cave floor. He never let us hold another reunion there again.

Captain Marvel (Billy Batson)
Billy Batson was just a kid, nothing special, but I'd guess if I had to be anyone else I'd be him, because he had the ability to become Captain Marvel, the world's mightiest mortal-- almost as super as Mr. Kent! Wouldn't that be great? Mr. Kent once told me the reason Billy called himself Captain Marvel was because every time he'd introduce himself as "Shazam" he'd get hit by lightning and change back to Billy Batson. I don't know if that's true or not, Mr. Kent used to say a lot of things when he was drinking.

The Flash (Barry Allen)
The first thing everyone asks is who would win a race between Mr. Kent and The Flash. Well, duh, Mr. Kent, no contest! I don't even need to wait for a rematch; Mr. Kent was really hung-over, and that beer can shouldn't have been left in the street. The Flash wouldn't have had a chance otherwise. Mr. Kent was the greatest at everything.

Supergirl (Linda "Kara" Lee)
I admit I once had a crush on Kara-- boy was she cute, and a genuine member of Mr. Kent's family! Who wouldn't fall for her? Mr. Kent kept telling me she was way out of my league, and he was probably right. I guess you had to be a pretty super guy to catch her eye-- in fact, Mr. Kent said a few times he thought about taking a shot at her. I don't think "cousins" means exactly the same thing on Krypton.

Batgirl (Barbara Gordon)
Barbara was another of the younger heroes, but she sure wasn't just a sidekick to Mr. Wayne and Dick Grayson. Once, she punched me in the throat for writing an article saying she did the cooking, laundry and dishes in the Bat Cave. She said from then on I was supposed to "stay the bleep out of her sight" and boy did I listen. I'm not sure how Mr. Kent got that information, but it must have been true if it made her so mad.

Catwoman (Selina Kyle)
It's strange how much Ms. Kyle was a part of the superhero social scene, given that she was a super criminal. The rumor was that she and Mr. Wayne used to date, but when she turned to crime he dumped her. For a while, Mr. Kent would fly her up to the Fortress of Solitude for interrogations that would last for days on end, but she must have been just an informant or something because he never turned her in for any crime. That used to really make Ms. Lane mad; she'd growl something about hoping he had "protection" so I guess she was concerned about his safety, but I didn't think Ms. Kyle had any super powers, so I'm sure there was nothing to worry about.

Spider-Man (Peter Parker)
You'd think being about the same age and both working for newspapers, Pete Parker and I would have been pretty good pals, but you'd be wrong. I couldn't stand the guy. He was always showing off, climbing up walls, shooting my hat off with those darn webs of his... calling me "Superboy." Boy, if I had powers like Mr. Kent, I'd have shown that Parker a thing or two about being a hero.

Captain America (Steve Rogers)
Mr. Rogers seemed like an OK guy, I did like his support for the American way. I suppose he was as close as the "other guys" had to a Mr. Kent, but I really didn't agree with his decision to wear a mask and use props. It was too much like... Batman. Too bad about his sidekick, Bucky-- someone should have told him to "just say no."

Thor (Jake Olsen)
I think somewhere on my great-grandfather's side of the family we're supposed to be related, maybe by marriage. Jake was kind of a hard guy to get to know since he kept saying he was a "god" and we just didn't have anything in common to talk about, really. I heard he went on to have a pretty successful career in adult films. You know, the kind with, uh... only fellas in them.

The Hulk (David Banner)
I never met a guy who could blow things out of proportion like Mr. Banner. One time he didn't get enough shrimp in his shrimp cocktail and ended up costing the restaurant owner over $80,000 in broken furniture and a big hole in his wall. Mr. Kent used to call that type of thing "the breaks" but it's one thing if you're foiling a robbery, and another if you just didn't get enough shrimp.

Wolverine (James "Logan" Howlett)
Mr. Logan always seemed angry, and I definitely think he didn't like me very much as his nickname for me was "cunt." He also smelled really bad. Not just from the cigars, but you know, from B.O.

The Thing (Ben Grimm)
Mr. Grimm was part of a team, but I never really got to know them much, as the were all part of the "other" guys. I do recall once he stepped on my foot and screamed a little-- Mr. Kent tried to cheer me up by laughing and joking around, telling everyone I cried like a baby. He was really good at showing me how to be a man.

We've barely gotten started! Be sure to tune in next week because I'm going to share my notes and photos from the first official meeting of superheroes. You won't believe how young they looked!

Until next time, this has been Jimmy Olsen, your super pal!