Editorial: American Idolatry: Judging The Top 24

This week on American Idol, Randy, Simon, and Paula narrowed the group down to their top twenty-four: twelve guys and twelve gals.

Here at The J.E.I., we're nothing if not risk-takers, so we've decided now is the time to start making predictions. And to help us out, we're proud to introduce the most judgmental gals we know: Judge Judith Sheindlin and Annie "Misery" Wilkes. Have at it ladies, and don't worry about leaving marks. This is Idol, after all...

	Judy: "Listen, Fabio. A razor and a haircut. You'd better be a good singer and not try to just coast by on your looks." Annie: "His name is Fabio?"
	Judy: "I don't care what his name is. Or little miss princess here." Annie: "Then why did you call him Fabio?"
	Judy: "This one, oy. You can tell she's trouble because she thinks she's Miss November. Grow up, cupcake!" Annie: "All whores burn in Hell."
	Judy: "Close your mouth, tubby, maybe that way you'll stay in the contest." Annie: "Whores and tramps and harlots all burn in Hell."
	Judy: "Hah?" Annie: "All of them..."
	Judy: "What the hell are you going on about?" Annie: "The Bible says..."
	Judy: "Zip it! I don't want to hear your nonsense." Annie: "You're not being very nice."
	Judy: "Zip! Shut it up, lady!" Annie: ...
	Judy: "Are you going to let me get through this?" Annie: ...
	Judy:"Well? I'm waiting!" Annie: "If you wish."
	Judy: "Fine!" Annie: "Fine."
	Judy: "Now cueball here..." Annie: "YOU DON'T TALK TO ME THAT WAY YOU COCKADOODY WHORE!!!"
	Judy: ... Annie: ...
	Judy: "Are you out of your mind?" Annie: ...
	Judy: "Seriously. Do you have problems?" Annie: ...
	Judy: "I'm working with a mental patient here." Annie: "You said his name was Fabio and it wasn't."
	Judy: "What are you talking about? You're still stuck on Fabio?" Annie: "You said..."
	Judy: ""Enough! I don't want to hear another word from you" Annie: ...
	Judy: "Understand me?" Annie: But...
	Judy: "NOT ANOTHER WORD!!!" Annie: ...
	Judy: ... Annie: ...
	Judy: Moving on. This young lady might have a chance if she..." Annie: "I'LL KILL YOU YOU FUCKING BITCH!!!"
	Judy: "OK, I'm done. Bye bye!" Annie: "KILL YOU!!!"
	Judy: "I'm finished!" Annie: AAAUUGHHHHH!!!"

Did we mention that neither woman has had a chance to watch the show? Maybe we should have...

Also in this series...

• The Least You Could Do
• Missing Commandments (part 6)
• Missing Commandments (part 5)
• Missing Commandments (part 4)
• Missing Commandments (part 3)
• Missing Commandments (part 2)
• Missing Commandments (part 1)
• Truth In Advertising
• So Much For Buying Respect
• Food Horrible Food

News: Killer Veep Vows Revenge, Guns Down Lawyer

By Gurn Blanston, AP White House Correspondent

Vice President Dick Cheney shot and wounded a companion during a weekend quail hunting trip in Texas, spraying the fellow hunter in the face and chest with shotgun pellets.

Harry Whittington, 78, a millionaire attorney from Austin, was "alert and doing fine" in a Corpus Christi hospital Sunday after he was shot by Cheney on a ranch in south Texas, said Katharine Armstrong, the property's owner.

Armstrong said she was watching from a car while Cheney, Whittington and another hunter got out of the vehicle to shoot at a covey of quail.

Whittington shot a bird and went to look for it in the tall grass, while Cheney and the third hunter walked to another spot and discovered a second covey.

"The covey flushed and the Vice President picked out a bird and was following it and shot," she continued. "And by god, Harry was in the line of fire and got peppered pretty good."

Armstrong, owner of the Armstrong Ranch where the accident occurred, said Whittington was bleeding and Cheney was somewhat apologetic.

"This is something that happens from time to time. You now, I've been peppered by Dick pretty well myself. The Vice President sometimes injures people," said Armstrong.

In 2003, Vice President Cheney made headlines when his stray golf ball killed a Pakistani exchange student working as a busboy at his Wyoming country club. Sources say Cheney smoothed over the resulting tensions with a clandestine deal that included the covert assassination of an Indian government official.

In June 2001, Cheney reportedly struck his mailman while backing out of his driveway; a rate hike for third class postage was used to fund the carrier's lawsuit settlement.

In 1987 the preserved bodies of three vagrants were discovered in the crawl space of Cheney's Casper, Wyoming home. Charges were ultimately levied against the previous owner of the property, paralyzed veteran Marvin Holt, 87.

Also in this series...

• State Of The Union, With A Vengeance
• American Idol Uncensored: The Americanist Edition
• Can You Feel The Hate? American Idol Is Back
• Whoville Breeds Green-Glowing Pigs
• Pat Robertson Surprised At Fuss, Sets Record Straight
• Fall 2005 J.E.I. Interns
• The Least Litigious Place On Earth
• Cartoon World Mourns Death Of Jabberjaw
• Olympics & Pans
• Mississippi No Longer Burning, Itching Persists
• Get Away From Her, You Bi-yotch!
• Alba's Nipple Fulfills Red Carpet Duties
• Runaway Bride Pleads No Contessa To Felony
• Sit Down, American Idol, We Need To Talk
• Vatican Fast-Tracks John Paul II Sainthood, Issues Commemorative Cookie Jar
• Tough Break, Chekov
• You Was Robbed, Dawg
• Your Next American Idol
• And A Habemus Papam To You!