News: American Idol Uncensored: The Americanist Edition

Hot on the juggernaut heels of the one-two "Best of" and "Worst of" DVD punches, a giddy Fox network has announced their latest milking of their cash cow teat: American Idol Uncensored: The Americanist Edition.

Consumers can look forward to over three hours of raw cruelty as only Fox can deliver: chuckle as maternal ice-queen Paula Abdul claps like a flat-palmed seal bejeweled with garish costume jewelry while executing a series of sly eye-signals to her five personal assistants as to the boy-toy possibilities of the starstruck auditionees... howl as once-jolly fat man Randy Jackson throws down his gangsta snaps and street raps, with more awkward "dawgs" than the alley behind a Korean restaurant... but of course, it wouldn't be Idol without the sweet evil that is Simon Cowell.

The J.E.I. has managed to secure a preview copy of the forthcoming DVD, and we're proud to offer you a taste of some of the stinging "Britishisms" that only Simon can says:

"If I could, I'd invent a time machine so I can go back and impregnate your mother to stop you from being born."

"Your singing makes my ass bleed more than usual."

"I really really want to punch you."

"Don't quit your job as a piece of shit."

"Your singing makes me hate you and your entire ethnic group. Right, off you go."

"I can't believe someone hasn't killed you."

"If you're quite finished, I'm going to kill everyone in this room, and then take my own life by auto-erotic asphyxiation."

"Appalling. I'd rather listen to the death screams of another whore than listen to you sing one more note."

"Dreadful. Just motherfucking dreadful."

"You made me lose my chubby."

"Let me look at my checklist... sang out of key, check... danced like a diabetic in a candy store, check... annoyed me until Christ fell out of my belly button and ascended back to heaven, check. Get out."

"I wonder just who it is who hates you so much as to lie to you that your life is worth living."

"You're an asshole and you've got horrible tits."

Also in this series...

• Can You Feel The Hate? American Idol Is Back
• Whoville Breeds Green-Glowing Pigs
• Pat Robertson Surprised At Fuss, Sets Record Straight
• Fall 2005 J.E.I. Interns
• The Least Litigious Place On Earth
• Cartoon World Mourns Death Of Jabberjaw
• Olympics & Pans
• Mississippi No Longer Burning, Itching Persists
• Get Away From Her, You Bi-yotch!
• Alba's Nipple Fulfills Red Carpet Duties
• Runaway Bride Pleads No Contessa To Felony
• Sit Down, American Idol, We Need To Talk
• Vatican Fast-Tracks John Paul II Sainthood, Issues Commemorative Cookie Jar
• Tough Break, Chekov
• You Was Robbed, Dawg
• Your Next American Idol
• And A Habemus Papam To You!