Friday Round-Up: June 10, 2005

Has it been a week already? Clearly, based on the stats we've been getting, Journal of Ephemeral Inspiration readers want nipples, and lots of 'em. We'll keep that in mind for the future, you pervs. Meanwhile, catch up on the latest and greatest with our Friday Round-Up.

Advertising Bad Art - coming soon! Correction Editorial For Sale Hot Or Not? Illiterature The J.E.I. Seal Of Approval Lost & Found

Lost TV News Poetry Science! Soothing The Savage Breast Storytime Corner A Thousand Words Watercooler Wish List

While you're at it, be sure to read back through the JEI Archives. All the mysteries of life are answered there, honest.

Correction: We Don't Dwell On Your Mistakes.

A correction on page A3 of the June 8 Washington Times read as follows: "The Washington Times yesterday inadvertently published a photograph of DC City Administrator Robert C. Bobb (left) misidentified as the late soul singer Marvin Gaye (right)."

That got us thinking. If the fascists at the Times can admit one of their many mistakes, the noble Journal of Ephemeral Inspiration can certainly step up to plate and cop to a few of our infrequent goofs. Soak it in, readermonkeys, 'cause the moon is blue...

In our blistering exposé about his messy divorce to actress/MILF Denise Richards, we mistakenly named actor/junkie Charlie Sheen and ran a photo of father/TV President Martin Sheen.

Instead of Helen Hunt, for our article entitled "People With Hollywood Careers That Haven't Completely Tanked," we intended to use a photo of Leelee Sobieski.

Our "Bald & Eyebrowless" summer fashion forecast listed Ron Howard, but unfortunately featured a photo of Paul McCrane.

Though both men were mentioned, the photo in the sidebar feature for the article "Least Capable Magicians" should not have been David Copperfield, it should have been Jeff Goldblum.

For our music retrospective "Off The Charts For Two Decades," we were lazy and figured Al Sharpton could probably pass for a middle-aged Morris Day.

We don't have a correction for these two, we just like the idea of them together. Yeah, we said it.

Jack Lemmon, John Lennon... c'mon, it's an honest mix up.

For our ""Why We Hate The View" article we ran a photo of the Michelin Man in place of Star Jones on purpose. It just made us giggle.

How embarassing. Our Spring vegetable garden how-to should have used a picture of an onion, and we go and use George Harrison's head. Whoops!

Hey! It's Another Snotty Ad Parody!

Also in this series...

• We Feel So Cheap...
• Surely Hemphill
• Lithgow
• Orleans Horsemeat Dog Food
• The High Roller's Club of Monte Carlo

Wish List: Tie Fighter Desk

Tie Fighter Desk!
Originally uploaded by fullfrontalblues.

No, it's not practical, but you're just missing the point, aren't you? Like Louis Armstrong said about jazz, "if you gotta ask you'll never know, cracker."

Also in this series...

• Karatist Preacher

The J.E.I. Seal Of Approval VII

Here we go again, it's another round of stream-panned gold nuggets from the muddy bacteria consumé that is the internet. All with the J.E.I. Seal of Approval stamped on their foreheads, and all more fun than a Baby Ruth in the Bushwood swimming pool.

• Haunted Dimensions by Ray Keim
  Ray throws down some bad-ass paper model-fu and offers a free downloadable, fully-detailed paper model of the Haunted Mansion attraction in Walt Disney World. Even if you don't give a fig about Disney, this thing is awesome.
  
• LisaMarr.org
  Whether with Cub, Buck or The Lisa Marr Experiment, she rocks, and even better, you can download enough free MP3 files to create your own Lisa Marr retrospective CD. Listen to "The Boy With The Lou Reed Eyes" and you can thank us later.
  
• Dave Devries's Monster Engine
  Holy shit, Dave, get out of our nightmares! Dave takes drawings of monsters and superheroes done by children and fleshes them out into some of the creepy-coolest paintings we've ever seen.
  
• MakeZine.com
  Finally, a magazine that will tell us how to break our expensive electronic equipment. Though they're only on their second issue, the nerds at Make have already shown us how to make a $14 Steadicam rig, a functional R2-D2, and our own personal monorail. Walking from the J.E.I. offices to the parking lot was such a pain in the ass.
  

Well done, all. Insania Fragilis, Fectum Dubitabilis!

Also in this series...

• The J.E.I. Seal Of Approval VI
• The J.E.I. Seal Of Approval V
• The J.E.I. Seal Of Approval IV
• The J.E.I. Seal Of Approval III
• The J.E.I. Seal Of Approval II
• The J.E.I. Seal Of Approval I

News: Alba's Nipple Fulfills Red Carpet Duties

Hollywood, CA - Joining an elite but ever-growing list of "paparazzi-prey," Jessica Alba's nipple posed for a brief but effective first-ever photo-op on the red carpet of the 2005 MTV Movie Awards. "I'm really proud of my nipple for stepping up like this-- "The Fantastic Four" opens soon, and we really needed the type of press buzz staged public nudity can provide," said Alba.

Alba's nipple is just the latest example of orchestrated celebrity exhibitionism, which has included Elizabeth Hurley's 1995 "safety pin" Versace gown in the midst of boyfriend Hugh Grant's solicitation arrest; Jennifer Lopez's V-shaped green dress (also Versace) at the 2000 Grammy awards; Rose McGowan's "barely-there" attire for the 1998 MTV Video Awards; and finally culminating in Janet Jackson's infamous 2004 Superbowl XXXVIII "wardrobe malfunction."

"Janet hurt us," admits Hollywood publicist Gurn Blanston. " Up to that point we had a good run of 'accidental' events, from Courtney Cox, Shannon Elizabeth, Anne Hathaway, Jewel... there was always plausible deniability that they didn't know the dress was see-through. But Janet got greedy, she didn't play the game. That hurt us. I see Jessica's nipple as a fresh start in celebrity pandering."

The impact of Alba's public display remains to be seen. Since the Superbowl incident and subsequent government "decency" crackdown, publicity stunts from Lindsay Lohan and Tara Reid have been viewed as more embarrassing bids for attention than calculated strategies designed to boost their respective careers. "We all felt bad for Lindsay, she was clearly made a cog in the machine just as she became legal," adds Blanston. "As for Tara... well, what can I say, she's an idiot."

Also in this series...

• Runaway Bride Pleads No Contessa To Felony
• Sit Down, American Idol, We Need To Talk
• Vatican Fast-Tracks John Paul II Sainthood, Issues Commemorative Cookie Jar
• Tough Break, Chekov
• You Was Robbed, Dawg
• Your Next American Idol
• And A Habemus Papam To You!