The Journal of Ephemeral Inspiration: July 03, 2005

News: Olympics & Pans

The International Olympic Committee has decided that baseball and softball events will not be part of the 2012 London games. Well, fine by us. An informal poll across the JEI compound shows that we'd be OK with eliminating all team sports from the games. And eliminating shoes.

But the IOC gonna do what the IOC gonna do, and there's still a slew of silly "sports" polluting the greeky games. Let's take a look at a few of the thrilling events from days past no one watched on the 3am NBC triplecast:

Archery (1900-1020, 1972-)
Backgammon (1960-1972)
Badminton (1992-)
Ballroom Dancing (1932-1936)
Baseball (1992-2008)
Basketball (1936-)
Beach Volleyball (1996-)
Boxing (1904-)
Canoeing (1936-)
Craps (1964-1976)
Cycling (1896-)
Decathlon (1896-)
Diving (1904-)
Equestrian (1900-)
Faith Healing (1988-1996)
Fencing (1896-)
Field Hockey (1908-)
Fishing (1924-1936)
Goose-Stepping (1932-1936)
Gymnastics (1896-)
Hackysack (1988-1992)
Handball (1936-)
Hand-Jiving (1952-1964)
Jenga (1992-1996)
Judo (1964-)
Jumping (1896-)
Kick The Can (1904-1924)
Log-Rolling (1980-1984)
Marathon (1896-)
Mountain Biking (1996-)
Mumblety-Peg (1960-1968)
Parallel Parking (1976-1992)
Pattycaking (1960-1964)
Pentathlon (1912-)
Pie-Eating (1976-1984)
Pie-Throwing (1976-1980)
Red Rover Red Rover (1984-1988)
Rowing (1900-)
Sailing(1900-)
Shooting (1896-)
Sit-Ups (1952-1956)
Soccer (1900-)
Softball (1996-2008)
Speed-Dialing (1988-1992)
Swimming (1896-)
Synchronized Swimming (1984-)
Table Tennis (1988-)
Taekwondo (2000-)
Tennis (1896-1924, 1988-)
Throwing (1896-)
Tickle Fighting (1972-1976)
Tiddlywinks (1956-1960)
Track (1896-)
Triathlon (2000-)
Tug-Of-War (1900-1952)
Volleyball (1964-)
Water Polo (1900-)
Weightlifting (1896-)
Wound Debreeding (1924-1932)
Wrestling (1896-)

But there is a bright side-- had the 2012 games had been awarded to Paris, the French would almost certainly have insisted on the inclusion of their national sport, smoking.

Also in this series...

Friday Round-Up: July 8, 2005

Our condolences, Londoners; in the annals of history, this week will truly be known as a right motherfucker.

First, you were forced to grimace and clap politely whilst Sir Paul wheezed his way though a warbly set that ignored the last 35 years of his output, then you learn you're forced to spiff up the city and let the Olympics snarl your traffic in 2012, and then, of course, the non-funny thing.

So we completely understand that you haven't had a chance to keep up with the JEI. So to all our limey pals, we present the Friday Round-Up. Pip pip. Cheerio and all that rot.

The J.E.I. Seal Of Approval

Soothing The Savage Breast

'Ow 'bout a row through the JEI Archives, gov'ner? Bob's your uncle they puts a smile on yer gob.

Bad Art: Scary Tree

This painting, "Scary Tree," is offered as an eBay auction ending July 13; Buy It Now for only $40 plus $15 shipping. Competition may not be a concern.

Visit the Skree-ations eBay store for more, uh, art.

A Thousand Words: Tonytown

The blank space on the Chevy Chase Bank sign taunted Tony, who deep down knew that his drive for a strip mall empire had reached it's end...

Also in this series...

Lost & Found: Extra-Krispy Kreme

Found: One Bug
Location: A delicious Krispy Knibble®
Date: June 24, 2000

See anything unusual?

Neither did we, at first. But then...

Hm. Interesting... not really gross but certainly something we're glad we didn't eat. Maybe we wouldn't have even noticed? Who knows? The FDA says it's OK for us to eat bugs, so bon appétit, right?.

Bottom line: if you're not knee-jerk litigious, or a scam artist, $2.29 (plus tax) + a bonus bugaboo + an email (with photos) to Krispy Kreme customer service = an urgent call from a regional director, and a delivery of four ginormous boxes of donuts and a spiffy Krispy Kreme sweatshirt to the JEI compound, in person by a local manager with his deepest apologies. Hooray!

Also in this series...

Pencil Portraits By Chris

With all the glib nose-thumbing we do, our karma builds up so much grime and scale that we need to help a brother out from time to time with a little free promotion. But don't think we're going soft, hah? Paulie Walnuts is still gonna be by first thing Monday to collect the vig on the large you owe.

Pencil Portraits by Chris start at $150. Chris claims:

"Pencil portraits make unique, creative, personal gifts and keepsakes that will be treasured for a lifetime. Imagine owning or giving an heirloom that will be admired for years to come."

Imagine indeed, because I think you're gonna have to. Oh, snap!

Also in this series...

Illiterature: Science Fictionology

We ain't no psychiatrist, we ain't no doctors with degrees... but it don't take no high IQ to see what Tom Cruise is doing to... well... crazy people and Katie Holmes, we guess (or perhaps we should say "crazy people like Katie Holmes").

Sure enough, it's been non-stop-Tom this month, and since plenty of other sites have already covered his Oprah gymnastics and sexy red carpet microphone facial, so we won't dwell. Suffice to say, Maverick's on a mission to save the world, be it from the spirits of evil Thetans, or the eviler Brooke Shields. More power to ya, little buddy-- Suddenly Susan gives us the willies.

So let's all promise to not burst the guy's bubble, and make damn sure he never finds out about the recently-discovered unpublished novels of Scientology founder L. Ron Hubbard (seen at right e-metering a tomato). That goes for John Travolta, Kelly Preston, Kirstie Alley and all the other famous fruitcakes that jumped on the crazy train.