Friday(ish) Round-Up: August 20, 2005

OK, so it's not technically Friday anymore. Big whup, you're still getting your goddamned Round-Up.

But don't let our pissy missive spoil your fun; there's some good solid comedy waiting, and all that is required from you is a mere click or scroll. New this week: a peek at the freaks that comprise the Fall 2005 JEI intern crop; offensive product marketing from one of the largest chicken-murdering corporations, a weepy tale of regret from a frozen-grinned play toy, and more Pocky. There's always more Pocky.

Jimmy missed his deadline this week, but rest assured, he's got another column in the pipe. Look for that by Monday, plus some more Ephemedia and we reveal the best sandwich you'll never eat. Plus some other crap. OK? OK.

Advertising As authentic as anything else we do. You Won't Believe What They Paid For This Ad... (KFU) Pencil Portraits By Chris Hey! It's Another Snotty Ad Parody! (GM Employee Discount) We Feel So Cheap... (Me, Meat Loaf Body Splash Pour Homme) They Swear The Check Is In The Mail... (Surely Hemphill Parfum) We've Gotta Pay The Bills Somehow... (Lithgow Cologne) We'll Be Back After These Messages... (Orleans Horse Meat Dog Food) And Now A Word From Our Sponser... (The High Roller's Club of Monte Carlo) Bad Art We don't know a lot about art but we know what we hate. Sheep With A Barn Jesus Out To Lunch Scary Tree Correction A.K.A "Please withdraw your lawsuit." We Don't Dwell On Your Mistakes. Editorial Opinions are like bellybuttons: a useless deforming scar. Missing Commandments (part 6) Missing Commandments (part 5) Missing Commandments (part 4) Missing Commandments (part 3) Missing Commandments (part 2) Missing Commandments (part 1) Truth In Advertising So Much For Buying Respect Food Horrible Food Ephemedia Nifty sounds and video guaranteed to crash your computer. First Draft Marketing I Lennon/Lemmon/Spacey/Reiser Feature Articles Finally, some meat on this bone. The Secret Files Of Jimmy Olsen (part 5) The Secret Files Of Jimmy Olsen (part 4) The Secret Files Of Jimmy Olsen (part 3) The Secret Files Of Jimmy Olsen (part 2) The Secret Files Of Jimmy Olsen (part 1) Food Of The Gods Would that we could eat like them. Pocky, Pretz & Pretenders II Pocky, Pretz & Pretenders I The Fool's Gold Loaf For Sale Caveat Emptor. Seriously. The Handsomest Ken Ever! Refreshing Prayer Candles A Message To Other Criminal Guitars Murdercedes Hot Or Not? Celebrities ridicule the insecure. Fun. James Brown... Well, We're Not Really Sure Let's Hear From James Brown Jerry Lewis Has Had Enough Jerry Lewis Keeps It Real Jerry Lewis Knows Illiterature Because reading is fundemental. Harry Potter & The Big Fat Payday Science Fictionology That Island Over There With The Trees Tom Wiffloo & The Lonesome Hangnail The Uncut Bible Lost & Found Uniting keepers and weepers. Extra-Krispy Kreme Strap On... Strap Off... Innappropriate [sic] Language

Lost TV Untold tales of the glowing glass teat. Sanford & Son The Dukes of Hazzard Match Game PM M*A*S*H The Munsters Hogan's Heroes The Andy Griffith Show Wild Kingdom News Stop the presses. Fall 2005 J.E.I. Interns The Least Litigious Place On Earth Cartoon World Mourns Death Of Jabberjaw Olympics & Pans Mississippi No Longer Burning, Itching Persists Get Away From Her, You Bi-yotch! Alba's Nipple Fulfills Red Carpet Duties Runaway Bride Pleads No Contessa To Felony Sit Down, American Idol, We Need To Talk Vatican Fast-Tracks John Paul II Sainthood, Issues Commemorative Cookie Jar Tough Break, Chekov You Was Robbed, Dawg Your Next American Idol And A Habemus Papam To You! Poetry There once was a girl from Nantucket... The Wind & The Bird Remember, George, No Man Is A Failure Who Has Friends... The Savage Breast Music, not boobs. Master It! Science! What she blinded us with. Seriously, What The Hell? There Is No God Seal Of Approval Sites that don't suck so much. The J.E.I. Seal Of Approval XI The J.E.I. Seal Of Approval X The J.E.I. Seal Of Approval IX The J.E.I. Seal Of Approval VIII The J.E.I. Seal Of Approval VII The J.E.I. Seal Of Approval VI The J.E.I. Seal Of Approval V The J.E.I. Seal Of Approval IV The J.E.I. Seal Of Approval III The J.E.I. Seal Of Approval II The J.E.I. Seal Of Approval I Storytime Corner Once upon a time... . A Wee Nancy Story A Thousand Words What a picture is worth, depending on exchange rates. This Looks Like A Job For Letterman Tonytown Full Frontal Green Pepper Like Sacks Of Wet Cement The Love God Press Button, Receive Bacon Yes Sir Problem Solved Not Electric, It Is Pleasant We Couldn't Agree More Watercooler Intercepted communications amongst the staff. Pot Yuck Wish List Or, as Black Flag said, "Gimme gimme gimme." El Santo Vs. Las Mujeres Vampiro! The Real Batmobile Shag Disneyland Prints Batgirl Barbie Bible Bars Tie Fighter Desk Karatist Preacher

Insania Fragilis, Fectum Dubitabilis!

Food Of The Gods: Pocky, Pretz & Pretenders II

Sure, there are worse jobs in the world. We don't pretend that sampling a tasty assortment of Japanese snacks is on par with say, scrubbing Port-O-Potties™ after the Preakness, but we still take the task seriously. Take a look at our Flickr gallery, "Pocky, Pretz & Pretenders" for the 200 variations of Pocky and Pocky-wannabes that comprise our own personal Sisyphusian boulder we'll be rolling up the hill for a good long while.

But the Food Of The Gods column is a beast demanding to be sated, so strap on the feed-bag, it's time for round two of the J.E.I. Pocky Taste Test...

		Almond Crush Chocolate Pocky (Chocolate and almond bits covered biscuit sticks) Like it's tropical cousin Coconut Chocolate Pocky, the nodule-laden fuselage of Almond Crush Chocolate Pocky requires an orderly placement in the package, which means fewer to go around-- and it's significantly more expensive. The almond bits do provide a nutty flavor, but not so much that it's drastically different from plain jane Chocolate Pocky. Let your taste buds be your guide; sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don't.
		Strawberry Pocky (Plain) (Strawberry cream-covered biscuit stick) Yawn... we tried these mini-pack Pocky sticks before Giant Strawberry Pocky (reviewed last time) and were so underwhelmed, we didn't even bother to include them in our first round. Not bad but just boring.
		Strawberry Pocky (With Strawberry Bits) (Strawberry cream and dried strawberry bits covered biscuit stick) Now hold the phone... we take back every snarky thing we said about Pocky's bumpy brotherhood. Take the dull as dishwater regular Strawberry Pocky, add bits of desiccated strawberry and bam! Instant winner. These sweet and fruity delicacies jumped immediately into our top five favorites.
		Crispy Pizza Pretz (Pizza-flavored cracker sticks) The Dean to Pocky's Jerry, the Abbott to Pocky's Costello, the Gallant to Pocky's Goofus, Pretz eschews the candy sweetness of its popular sibling for a more savory adult flavor spectrum. Crispy Pizza Pretz are flatter than Pocky sticks-- more linguini than spaghetti. Salty and a little greasy, and flavored with tomato, cheese, oregano and whatever the hell make pepperoni taste like pepperoni, Crispy Pizza Pretz are pretty darn good, and incredibly addictive. A great alternative when you want a snack instead of a dessert.

The hits keep on coming-- while we've had a few Pocky variations that caused us to shrug, we've had just as many that surprised us with their appeal. We've got a few more tests on deck, including Korea's Pocky-pretender, Pepero. We'll be back with those after a few days on the treadmill.


Also in this series...

• Pocky, Pretz & Pretenders I
• The Fool's Gold Loaf

For Sale: The Handsomest Ken Ever!

Island Antiques & Collectables, Chincoteague, VA. $18


To see him in his well-worn pink box, you immediately sense that "Crystal" Ken is anchored by a smooth resolve and confidence you don't usually find in second-hand store toys. But what he'll never let you see are the tears behind his piercing blue eyes and dazzlingly white smile.

It took Ken three years and thousands in therapy bills to finally accept his responsibility for the fling that brought his world crashing down. Sure, Skipper was partially to blame, but he should have known better. "I had it all and I blew it. She was Barbie's kid sister, for chrissakes," he confided to his friend GI Joe, "What the hell was I thinking?"

But he could never lie, not to her. Of course, when the ugly truth was ultimately revealed, Barbie kicked him out of the Dream House with nothing more than his original packaging and the tiny clothes on his back. And though Ken knew deep down he was getting what he deserved, he'd paid for that pink Corvette, and he'd be goddamned if she was going to take it from him. Looking back, he regrets his focus on material possessions.

Today, despite the messy divorce, he and Barbie are back on speaking terms. She says she forgives him, but he knows the hurt will always be there. She has her careers to keep her busy, and Ken knows the best thing he can do for her is to let her go and hope for his own brighter future through the haze of his plastic-windowed home.

The dust layer on Ken's tattered box grows thicker as the decades pass, but Ken always finds a way to keep his positive outlook. "At $18 I'm priced to move," he tells the other dolls on his shelf. They don't share his optimism, but how could they? For Ken has a unique spark deep inside that ignites his passion and resolve in a way that the others could never understand. He knows big things are out there somewhere just waiting for him-- how could they not be? After all, he is the handsomest Ken ever!

Also in this series...

• Refreshing Prayer Candles
• A Message To Other Criminal Guitars
• Murdercedes

You Won't Believe What They Paid For This Ad...

Today's Journal of Ephemeral Inspiration is brought to you by KFU.

In 1939, Colonel Harland Sanders first gave the world a taste of his most famous creation, Original Recipe Kentucky Fried Chicken, featuring that secret blend of 11 herbs and spices. Since that time, millions of people the world over have come to love his one of a kind chicken, homestyle side dishes and hot and fresh beets.

KFU: It's The Finger Lickin' Good™


Also in this series...

• Pencil Portraits By Chris
• Hey! It's Another Snotty Ad Parody!
• We Feel So Cheap...
• Surely Hemphill
• Lithgow
• Orleans Horsemeat Dog Food
• The High Roller's Club of Monte Carlo

News: Fall 2005 J.E.I. Interns

My my, Tuesday already... sorry for the late start to the week, but orientation took a little longer than normal. Truth be told, our confidence could be much higher in our Fall crop of J.E.I. interns, but Zeus love 'em, they've each and every one of 'em pledged to help us bring to you the grade "A" funny you demand. So here they are, every last stinking one of them...


The bee beards? Dunno, they just all showed up at the compound that way. Biggest goddamned coincidence we've ever seen...

Also in this series...

• The Least Litigious Place On Earth
• Cartoon World Mourns Death Of Jabberjaw
• Olympics & Pans
• Mississippi No Longer Burning, Itching Persists
• Get Away From Her, You Bi-yotch!
• Alba's Nipple Fulfills Red Carpet Duties
• Runaway Bride Pleads No Contessa To Felony
• Sit Down, American Idol, We Need To Talk
• Vatican Fast-Tracks John Paul II Sainthood, Issues Commemorative Cookie Jar
• Tough Break, Chekov
• You Was Robbed, Dawg
• Your Next American Idol
• And A Habemus Papam To You!