Lost TV: M*A*S*H

Watch any episode of "M*A*S*H" prior to BJ growing his moustache and you’re watching great television (basically seasons 1-6; you’re on your own after that).

But even though that creepy hairy lip was a harbinger for watered-down, sentimental shark-jumping wit-less puns (didn’t episodes used to center around Hawkeye getting drunk and screwing nurses three at a time?), we stuck it out to the end, "M*A*S*H: Goodbye, Farewell and Amen" (we don’t count that king turd of spinoffs, "After M*A*S*H", or "W*A*L*T*E*R").

But we’ve always had a few bones to pick with how the writers wrapped up the series... the most peculiar part was how each character left the 4077th. We could never figure out why they all had to depart by different modes of travel: Hawkeye in a helicopter, Charles on a garbage truck, Potter on his horse (we’re particularly amazed that Hunnicut made it down that hill on his motorcycle without landing at the bottom in a heap)… seems like they could've carpooled a little bit, right?

And just because there's a cease-fire, does that mean that every North Korean soldier in the field got word of it? Wasn't there a pretty good chance that BJ might have been picked off by an ill-informed loose cannon? We could imagine a few of them not giving a fuck and taking out a few more round-eyed Joes just for kicks.

But here at the J.E.I, we don’t just complain, we complain and then make smartass and less-than-useful suggestions that really don't fix the problem (but they do make us giggle). So for your horror and amusement, we proudly present the final final episode of "M*A*S*H", as outlined by the J.E.I. staff. Juice and cookies will be served in the lobby after the show.

	BJ, with his faggy straw hat and fey yellow paint job, is joyfully zooming his motorcycle down the path toward Seoul, when a grubby North Korean pops out of the woods and slams him in between the eyes with a slingshot. After the soldier rolls him and leaves him bleeding into the dirt, the local fauna comes along and rends his flesh from his good-natured bones. Soon, “"Beej"” is nothing more than decaying piles of deer droppings scattered over Ouijambu.
Hawkeye, of course, witnesses the whole scene in horror from the relative safety of the helicopter (a decidedly better choice of travel). He makes it home to Crabapple Cove safe and sound, but the deep depression he cultivated through years of alcohol abuse and joyless intercourse is aggravated by seeing his best buddy senselessly ripped apart by otherwise gentle woodland creatures. He says hello to his father and promptly hangs himself in his garage, nude.
	Max Klinger makes it back to Toledo and decides he is, in fact, a full-fledged transvestite. Two weeks after his return, he is beaten to death by a gang of toughs after he refuses to relinquish his gold lamé handbag.
Charles, sickened over the senseless death of his recently-acquired beloved Korean musicians, sits glass-eyed and unshaven in the east wing of his family estate in Boston, staring at a priceless Renoir painting, and masturbating glumly into a sock.
	Colonel Sherman T. Potter, bored with retirement, takes up beating his wife.
Margaret, having a mid-life crisis upon the realization that her entire military career was based on blowing Generals old enough to be her father, snaps and begins a methodical process of euthanizing otherwise-well soldiers in her newly-assigned Alabama VA hospital.

Also in this series...

• The Munsters
• Hogan's Heroes
• The Andy Griffith Show
• Wild Kingdom