Friday Round-Up: August 26, 2005

Another weekend is upon us and that can only mean one thing, stout readermonkeys-- another J.E.I. Friday Round-Up. Your opportunity to take a high-level view of the Journal in its blessed entirety.

Released back into the wild this week: part six of Jimmy Olsen's Secret Files, '80s movie poster misfires, another slap in the face to our favorite eBay artist, a whimsical collection of figurines from our favorite 16th century fire 'n' brimstone painting, a reasonable explanation from 700 Club skipper Pat Robertson, and another quartet of J.E.I.-approved sites, all cleared for your tender eyeballs.

As always, there's more to come (maybe even a little over the weekend). So come on back now, y'hear? Saaa-lute!

Advertising As authentic as anything else we do. You Won't Believe What They Paid For This Ad... (KFU) Pencil Portraits By Chris Hey! It's Another Snotty Ad Parody! (GM Employee Discount) We Feel So Cheap... (Me, Meat Loaf Body Splash Pour Homme) They Swear The Check Is In The Mail... (Surely Hemphill Parfum) We've Gotta Pay The Bills Somehow... (Lithgow Cologne) We'll Be Back After These Messages... (Orleans Horse Meat Dog Food) And Now A Word From Our Sponser... (The High Roller's Club of Monte Carlo) Bad Art We don't know a lot about art but we know what we hate. Bumble Bee & A Blue Flower Sheep With A Barn Jesus Out To Lunch Scary Tree Correction A.K.A "Please withdraw your lawsuit." We Don't Dwell On Your Mistakes. Editorial Opinions are like bellybuttons: a useless deforming scar. Missing Commandments (part 6) Missing Commandments (part 5) Missing Commandments (part 4) Missing Commandments (part 3) Missing Commandments (part 2) Missing Commandments (part 1) Truth In Advertising So Much For Buying Respect Food Horrible Food Ephemedia Nifty graphics, sounds and video guaranteed to crash your computer. First Draft Marketing II First Draft Marketing I Lennon/Lemmon/Spacey/Reiser Feature Articles Finally, some meat on this bone. The Secret Files Of Jimmy Olsen (part 6) The Secret Files Of Jimmy Olsen (part 5) The Secret Files Of Jimmy Olsen (part 4) The Secret Files Of Jimmy Olsen (part 3) The Secret Files Of Jimmy Olsen (part 2) The Secret Files Of Jimmy Olsen (part 1) Food Of The Gods Would that we could eat like them. Pocky, Pretz & Pretenders II Pocky, Pretz & Pretenders I The Fool's Gold Loaf For Sale Caveat Emptor. Seriously. The Handsomest Ken Ever! Refreshing Prayer Candles A Message To Other Criminal Guitars Murdercedes Hot Or Not? Celebrities ridicule the insecure. Fun. James Brown... Well, We're Not Really Sure Let's Hear From James Brown Jerry Lewis Has Had Enough Jerry Lewis Keeps It Real Jerry Lewis Knows Illiterature Because reading is fundemental. Harry Potter & The Big Fat Payday Science Fictionology That Island Over There With The Trees Tom Wiffloo & The Lonesome Hangnail The Uncut Bible Lost & Found Uniting keepers and weepers. Extra-Krispy Kreme Strap On... Strap Off... Innappropriate [sic] Language

Lost TV Untold tales of the glowing glass teat. Sanford & Son The Dukes of Hazzard Match Game PM M*A*S*H The Munsters Hogan's Heroes The Andy Griffith Show Wild Kingdom News Stop the presses. Fall 2005 J.E.I. Interns Pat Robertson Surprised At Fuss, Sets Record Straight The Least Litigious Place On Earth Cartoon World Mourns Death Of Jabberjaw Olympics & Pans Mississippi No Longer Burning, Itching Persists Get Away From Her, You Bi-yotch! Alba's Nipple Fulfills Red Carpet Duties Runaway Bride Pleads No Contessa To Felony Sit Down, American Idol, We Need To Talk Vatican Fast-Tracks John Paul II Sainthood, Issues Commemorative Cookie Jar Tough Break, Chekov You Was Robbed, Dawg Your Next American Idol And A Habemus Papam To You! Poetry There once was a girl from Nantucket... The Wind & The Bird Remember, George, No Man Is A Failure Who Has Friends... The Savage Breast Music, not boobs. Master It! Science! What she blinded us with. Seriously, What The Hell? There Is No God Seal Of Approval Sites that don't suck so much. The J.E.I. Seal Of Approval XII The J.E.I. Seal Of Approval XI The J.E.I. Seal Of Approval X The J.E.I. Seal Of Approval IX The J.E.I. Seal Of Approval VIII The J.E.I. Seal Of Approval VII The J.E.I. Seal Of Approval VI The J.E.I. Seal Of Approval V The J.E.I. Seal Of Approval IV The J.E.I. Seal Of Approval III The J.E.I. Seal Of Approval II The J.E.I. Seal Of Approval I Storytime Corner Once upon a time... . A Wee Nancy Story A Thousand Words What a picture is worth, depending on exchange rates. This Looks Like A Job For Letterman Tonytown Full Frontal Green Pepper Like Sacks Of Wet Cement The Love God Press Button, Receive Bacon Yes Sir Problem Solved Not Electric, It Is Pleasant We Couldn't Agree More Watercooler Intercepted communications amongst the staff. Pot Yuck Wish List Or, as Black Flag said, "Gimme gimme gimme." Hieronymus Bosch Pooping Devil-Bird Action Figure El Santo Vs. Las Mujeres Vampiro! The Real Batmobile Shag Disneyland Prints Batgirl Barbie Bible Bars Tie Fighter Desk Karatist Preacher

Insania Fragilis, Fectum Dubitabilis!

The J.E.I. Seal Of Approval XII

It's time again for The Journal of Ephemeral Inspiration to make that Sophiest of Choices, the selective awarding of our useless J.E.I. Seal of Approval.

So have a look-see, and don't forget to tell 'em we sent you. It won't get you special treatment, but we do like having our name thrown around with the bouncers.

• DeMoulin Bros. & Co. Catalog
  We're still trying to figure this one out, but we're pretty sure it's way cool. Best we can tell, this is a 1930s company who's purpose was to supply various fraternal lodges everything they needed to perform their secret rituals of hazing and humiliation. Even if you don't appreciate the weirdness, the typography and design are outstanding. Props to Boing Boing for the discovery.
  
• TV John Langworthy
  TV John used to have a cable access show in Washington DC, which he really should consider reviving, or at least selling on DVD. We could never do justice to his genius, so we'll let his site copy do the talking: "He is a multimedia personality who has recorded more than 2,000 songs, songs that came to him in dreams. He is, of course, TV John. Who can forget his legendary concerts at Joe's Record Paradise, performing on trampoline, in his stylish Robin Hood suit?" That about says it all.
  
• Superdickery
  If you've been reading our series, The Secret Files of Jimmy Olsen, you already knew (even if Jimmy doesn't)-- Superman is a dick. Thankfully, Superdickery has the proof-- dozens and dozens of comic book covers depicting the Man of Steel's selfish and cruel ways.
  
• Guitar Shred Show
  You can't go wrong with interactive Flash animation based on a quasi-Asian (quasian?) philosophy of speedmetal guitar shredding. Can Mr. Fastfinger win his duel with the Devil's accordion? You've got to try it to find out.
  

Well done, all. Insania Fragilis, Fectum Dubitabilis!

Also in this series...

• The J.E.I. Seal Of Approval XI
• The J.E.I. Seal Of Approval X
• The J.E.I. Seal Of Approval IX
• The J.E.I. Seal Of Approval VIII
• The J.E.I. Seal Of Approval VII
• The J.E.I. Seal Of Approval VI
• The J.E.I. Seal Of Approval V
• The J.E.I. Seal Of Approval IV
• The J.E.I. Seal Of Approval III
• The J.E.I. Seal Of Approval II
• The J.E.I. Seal Of Approval I

News: Pat Robertson Surprised At Fuss, Sets Record Straight

VIRGINIA BEACH, VA - Religious broadcaster Pat Robertson insisted Wednesday that he did not call for the assassination of Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez, despite comments broadcast on his program two days earlier.

"I didn't say 'assassination,'" Robertson said Wednesday on his Christian Broadcast Network show "The 700 Club" about remarks reported by The Associated Press and other media outlets.

"I said our special forces should 'take him out.' 'Take him out' could be a number of things... there's a lovely Red Lobster restaurant near my offices, and I'd be honored if President Chavez would be my guest. Not as a date, of course, just as friends."

"There are a number of ways of taking out a dictator from power besides killing him. I was misinterpreted by the AP, but that happens all the time. Still, no one seemed to get their panties in a bunch when we sic'd that hooker on Swaggart. It's a double standard."

But a video of Monday's telecast shows that Robertson's exact words were: "You know, I don't know about this doctrine of assassination, but if he thinks we're trying to assassinate him, I think that we really ought to go ahead and do it. It's a whole lot cheaper than starting a war, and I don't think any oil shipments will stop."

He continued: "We have the ability to take him out, and I think the time has come that we exercise that ability. We don't need another $200 billion war to get rid of one, you know, strong-arm dictator. It's a whole lot easier to have some of the covert operatives do the job and then get it over with. How could you possibly misinterpret what I'm saying as advocating an illegal act of war on a sovereign nation?"

Here are a few other comments Robertson feels the media twisted:

"The Islamic people, the Arabs, were the ones who captured Africans, put them in slavery, and sent them to America as slaves. Why would the people in America want to embrace the religion of slavers?"

"Just like what Nazi Germany did to the Jews, so liberal America is now doing to the evangelical Christians. It's no different...More terrible than anything suffered by any minority in history."

"When lawlessness is abroad in the land, the same thing will happen here that happened in Nazi Germany. Many of those people involved with Adolph Hitler were Satanists, many of them were homosexuals – the two things seem to go together."

"The feminist agenda is not about equal rights for women. It is about a socialist, anti-family political movement that encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism, and become lesbians."

"You say you're supposed to be nice to the Episcopalians and the Presbyterians and the Methodists and this, that, and the other thing. Nonsense, I don't have to be nice to the spirit of the Antichrist."

"I know this is painful for the ladies to hear, but if you get married, you have accepted the headship of a man, your husband. Christ is the head of the household and the husband is the head of the wife, and that's the way it is, period."

"[Homosexuals] want to come into churches and disrupt church services and throw blood all around and try to give people AIDS and spit in the face of ministers."

"[Planned Parenthood] is teaching kids to fornicate, teaching people to have adultery, every kind of bestiality, homosexuality, lesbianism – everything that the Bible condemns."

When the AP called Robertson on Tuesday for elaboration, spokeswoman Angell Watts said Robertson would not do interviews and had no statement about his remarks. On Wednesday, Watts did not respond to two telephone messages, three pages and a fax seeking further comment.

On Tuesday, the State Department called Robertson's remarks "wack."



Also in this series...

• Fall 2005 J.E.I. Interns
• The Least Litigious Place On Earth
• Cartoon World Mourns Death Of Jabberjaw
• Olympics & Pans
• Mississippi No Longer Burning, Itching Persists
• Get Away From Her, You Bi-yotch!
• Alba's Nipple Fulfills Red Carpet Duties
• Runaway Bride Pleads No Contessa To Felony
• Sit Down, American Idol, We Need To Talk
• Vatican Fast-Tracks John Paul II Sainthood, Issues Commemorative Cookie Jar
• Tough Break, Chekov
• You Was Robbed, Dawg
• Your Next American Idol
• And A Habemus Papam To You!

Wish List: Hieronymus Bosch Pooping Devil-Bird Action Figure

Screw Hummel. If you want a tough-as-nails figurine that will also stimulate your art-school sensibilities, you can't go wrong with the Hieronymus Bosch figure set.

Pictured at right, Devil on Night Chair depicts Ol' Scratch himself, his cauldron-wearing glossy black-eyed avian embodiment hungrily gobbling condemned souls while perched on a stilted commode. The figure unfortunately does not include the pit-pooping aftermath (as shown in the original painting, see below), but the message is clear: sinners are in for a world of suck.

As for the painting, please open your textbooks...

Bosch, Hieronymus: The Garden of Earthly Delight

Bosch's most famous and unconventional picture is The Garden of Earthly Delights (c. 1504; Triptych, plus shutters; Oil on panel; Central panel, 220 x 195 cm; Wings, 220 x 97 cm; Museo del Prado, Madrid) which, like most of his other ambitious works, is a large, 3-part altarpiece, called a triptych. This painting was probably made for the private enjoyment of a noble family. It is named for the luscious garden in the central panel, which is filled with cavorting nudes and giant birds and fruit. The triptych depicts the history of the world and the progression of sin. Beginning on the outside shutters with the creation of the world, the story progresses from Adam and Eve and original sin on the left panel to the torments of hell, a dark, icy, yet fiery nightmarish vision, on the right. The Garden of Delights in the center illustrates a world deeply engaged in sinful pleasures.

For a ginormous look at the complete painting, click here. The detail is amazing and horrifying. If you're on dial-up, make due with the wee graphics below. And for chrissakes, get broadband, it's 2005.






Also in this series...

• El Santo Vs. Las Mujeres Vampiro!
• The Real Batmobile
• Shag Disneyland Prints
• Batgirl Barbie
• Bible Bars
• Tie Fighter Desk
• Karatist Preacher

Bad Art: Bumble Bee & A Blue Flower

We admit it, we love Skree-ation's "art;" the more inept and derivative the better. Skree must paint, Skree must sell... Skree clearly has a muse (though we suspect that muse may well be William Hung).

Underneath its Pollyanna-esque surface, "Bumble Bee & A Blue Flower" clearly depicts a classic Marxist struggle between the proletariat and bourgeoisie. The worker bee toils day in and out to support its socialist hive; while amongst its basking peers, the means-of-production-owning flower stretches eagerly toward the bee, yearning to exploit and ultimately consume the insect. The bee lurches back in desperate self-preservation; but like post-Reagan globalism has proven, the steamroller of capitalism cannot be turned; our hero is doomed.

However, the green would go perfectly with out new divan.


Also in this series...

• Sheep With A Barn
• Jesus Out To Lunch
• Scary Tree

Ephemedia: First Draft Marketing II

It's time for more couldda shouldda wouldda, or as we call it here at The Journal of Ephemeral Inspiration, First Draft Marketing.

This round of horrible ideas comes from the 1980s. Think of the millions in tickets lost and careers dashed had these clunkers made it out of the gate. Pity... we could have all been spared the last two decades of Julia Roberts.

















Also in this series...

• First Draft Marketing I
• Lennon/Lemmon/Spacey/Reiser

The Secret Files Of Jimmy Olsen (part 6)

Perry White would have never let you blow a deadline, Jim, but we forgive you. Just don't make a habit of it...

Hi gang, Jimmy Olsen here again, and I'm really sorry my article is late this week. I guess I'm not as young as I used to be, and when those guys in the park said they wanted my wallet, well, I just should have let them have it. Of course in the old days, Mr. Kent would have just taken care of things for me, but I guess that's just not the way it works anymore.

Oh well, let's just go ahead with another round of photos and stories about my super pals.

By this time the JLA was in full swing and a bunch of supers had taken up permanent residence in our new meeting space, the Hall of Justice. Not all, of course, those "Marvel" guys wanted nothing to do with teaming up with Mr. Kent and the rest, but they'd still come for the occasional barbecue or birthday party. I spent most of my time down at the Daily Planet, trying to make Mr. Kent's desk look occupied, picking up his paychecks... OK, sometimes writing his stories for him, but golly, the guy was busy being, y'know, Superman. Give him a break already.
Say what you want, but I think the extra weight looks good on Diana. Mr. Kent thought so too. "Women should look like women, Jim, not boys with racks," he'd say. That seemed reasonable to me.

Speaking of looks, Mr. Kent always used to say he liked this picture. Something about how his "package" looked. He felt it was really important to present a good image.
Ahem... golly. You can see, uh, Kara, uh... boy that Kara was loaded for bear...

Damn you, Parker. You knew I liked her...
Barry Allen really enjoyed the merchandising aspect of being a superhero. He was never as popular as Mr. Kent or even Mr. Wayne, of course, but he loved zipping around town to all the toy stores picking up whatever action figures he could. Unfortunately his super-speed was really a bad combination with his shoplifting habit.

Oliver Queen never seemed to go anywhere without his bow and quiver of funny arrows. Once I asked him why he had such a fascination with Robin Hood, and next thing I knew I had a boxing glove arrow right in my ear. The point kind of poked through the glove a little when it hit me, so it really smarted.

I never got to know Hawkman; he didn't seem to speak English, just lots of bird noises. Sometimes when he'd fly around the room, he'd bump into the big picture window and poop on the furniture so we ended up just taking him off the JLA mailing list eventually.
Iron Man hardly every came to the get-togethers, but he was considerate enough to always send a postcard. He just preferred to spend his off hours with non-work friends. And Logan, though he'd still be really rude to me, would still have me do his headshots.
We never found out who the guy in the Thor costume was; he said he had been authorized as a replacement while the real Thor was traveling, but we never got a chance to check out his story. He just ran up to the buffet, filled his helmet with chicken satay and Beef Wellington slices and ran back out. We never saw him again. For a while, I think Steve Rogers was married. Her name was Pam and she was real nice, but I heard she had an affair with The Silver Surfer... but that's just a rumor, I don't want to get anyone in trouble.

And once again there's Pete Parker. The guy just didn't give a hoot about respecting the uniform. Or girls you had a crush on. That jerk...

Sorry to end on such a down note, gang. but that Parker just burns my toast. But don't worry, what's past is past, and I'm not gonna let it ruin our time together. Next week will be back to normal, promise! Until then, this has been Jimmy Olsen, your super pal!

Also in this series...

• The Secret Files Of Jimmy Olsen (part 5)
• The Secret Files Of Jimmy Olsen (part 4)
• The Secret Files Of Jimmy Olsen (part 3)
• The Secret Files Of Jimmy Olsen (part 2)
• The Secret Files Of Jimmy Olsen (part 1)