The Journal of Ephemeral Inspiration

The Journal of Ephemeral Inspiration promises a neverending spew of pointless minutae, brilliant yet useless ideas, troublingly cruel commentary and emphatic musings on whatever shiny object happens to catch our collective eye. Always remember, hate the game, not the playa.

Sunday, August 21, 2005

The Secret Files Of Jimmy Olsen (part 6)

Perry White would have never let you blow a deadline, Jim, but we forgive you. Just don't make a habit of it...

Hi gang, Jimmy Olsen here again, and I'm really sorry my article is late this week. I guess I'm not as young as I used to be, and when those guys in the park said they wanted my wallet, well, I just should have let them have it. Of course in the old days, Mr. Kent would have just taken care of things for me, but I guess that's just not the way it works anymore.

Oh well, let's just go ahead with another round of photos and stories about my super pals.

By this time the JLA was in full swing and a bunch of supers had taken up permanent residence in our new meeting space, the Hall of Justice. Not all, of course, those "Marvel" guys wanted nothing to do with teaming up with Mr. Kent and the rest, but they'd still come for the occasional barbecue or birthday party. I spent most of my time down at the Daily Planet, trying to make Mr. Kent's desk look occupied, picking up his paychecks... OK, sometimes writing his stories for him, but golly, the guy was busy being, y'know, Superman. Give him a break already.
Say what you want, but I think the extra weight looks good on Diana. Mr. Kent thought so too. "Women should look like women, Jim, not boys with racks," he'd say. That seemed reasonable to me.

Speaking of looks, Mr. Kent always used to say he liked this picture. Something about how his "package" looked. He felt it was really important to present a good image.
Ahem... golly. You can see, uh, Kara, uh... boy that Kara was loaded for bear...

Damn you, Parker. You knew I liked her...
Barry Allen really enjoyed the merchandising aspect of being a superhero. He was never as popular as Mr. Kent or even Mr. Wayne, of course, but he loved zipping around town to all the toy stores picking up whatever action figures he could. Unfortunately his super-speed was really a bad combination with his shoplifting habit.

Oliver Queen never seemed to go anywhere without his bow and quiver of funny arrows. Once I asked him why he had such a fascination with Robin Hood, and next thing I knew I had a boxing glove arrow right in my ear. The point kind of poked through the glove a little when it hit me, so it really smarted.

I never got to know Hawkman; he didn't seem to speak English, just lots of bird noises. Sometimes when he'd fly around the room, he'd bump into the big picture window and poop on the furniture so we ended up just taking him off the JLA mailing list eventually.
Iron Man hardly every came to the get-togethers, but he was considerate enough to always send a postcard. He just preferred to spend his off hours with non-work friends. And Logan, though he'd still be really rude to me, would still have me do his headshots.
We never found out who the guy in the Thor costume was; he said he had been authorized as a replacement while the real Thor was traveling, but we never got a chance to check out his story. He just ran up to the buffet, filled his helmet with chicken satay and Beef Wellington slices and ran back out. We never saw him again. For a while, I think Steve Rogers was married. Her name was Pam and she was real nice, but I heard she had an affair with The Silver Surfer... but that's just a rumor, I don't want to get anyone in trouble.

And once again there's Pete Parker. The guy just didn't give a hoot about respecting the uniform. Or girls you had a crush on. That jerk...

Sorry to end on such a down note, gang. but that Parker just burns my toast. But don't worry, what's past is past, and I'm not gonna let it ruin our time together. Next week will be back to normal, promise! Until then, this has been Jimmy Olsen, your super pal!

Also in this series...