The Journal of Ephemeral Inspiration

The Journal of Ephemeral Inspiration promises a neverending spew of pointless minutae, brilliant yet useless ideas, troublingly cruel commentary and emphatic musings on whatever shiny object happens to catch our collective eye. Always remember, hate the game, not the playa.

Tuesday, March 07, 2006

The Secret Files Of Jimmy Olsen (part 7)

We swore we were done with the guy. The false promises, the blown deadlines... but with the upcoming Superman flick squarely on track to be as gay as a basket of French tangerines, we broke down and made the call. So back again on the generous J.E.I. payroll is everybody's favorite super pal; give it up once again for...

Hi gang, Jimmy Olsen here again, and it's great to be back. My health hasn't been too great the past few months, but like Mr. Kent used to tell me when supervillians would hold me for ransom, "save your bellyaching for mommy, kid." He always knew how a man should act.

The schedules of the supers were as busy as they would ever get by this point, but they still made time to get together and swap stories. It was great they way the old gang never lost touch.
Steve Rogers had become a pretty big celebrity as Captain America and this bugged Mr. Kent to no end. I found out the hard way that it was against the rules for me to take more pictures of Mr. Rogers than Mr. Kent, and let me tell you, that's a mistake I will not make again. It took me weeks to get my house keys off the top of the Daily Planet building. Barbara Gordon had finally made a name for herself apart from Mr. Wayne, but it wasn't for crimefighting, it was for that computer dating service commercial.

Thor had found Christianity and finally gotten out of the adult film industry, which caused a huge uproar in Scandinavia, because he was supposed to be a god himself. When asked, he said he was Jesus's "enforcer." And as always, there's Peter Parker... more about him in a second.
Oliver Queen really had fun being Green Arrow, and just loved to come up with all sorts of crazy things to put on arrows... there was the boxing glove arrow, the handcuff arrow, the flyswatter arrow... once he shot me with his "wet willie" arrow as a joke and my ear started to bleed a little. Like Mr. Kent said, leave it to me to spoil a party.
Before you ask, no that's not Kara-- I never did find out who Mr. Kent had brought with him, but she sure was pretty. She actually looked a lot like Mr. Rogers's ex, Pam, but I'm not really sure... At the end of the night Mr. Kent had taken me aside and told me not to show my pictures to Ms. Lane, and to make sure I didn't forget, he used his heat vision to melt my camera. Lucky for me I had changed rolls several times that night, and when Mr. Kent drank, he tended to not pay attention to details like that.
Martian Manhunter always seemed a little strange to me, which makes sense as he's an alien and all... I know what you're thinking, that Mr. Kent is an alien too, but you know, he's white.

You can't see it too well in the photo, but Peter Parker is using his web-shooters on Mr. Wayne's and Mr. Kent's um, crotches. They found him about three weeks later, tied with bat rope and stuffed in a sewer pipe. He wasn't much of a prankster after that.
Captain Marvel, Jr. and Mary Marvel only came to this one meeting. Mary took the whole "Greek culture" thing seriously, and didn't wear anything under her tunic. Mr. Queen just couldn't help himself and ended up with a lightning bolt to the chest courtesy of Captain Marvel, Jr. We never saw them again.
Mr. Banner and Mr. Grimm used to be enthusiastic rivals. I don't think deep down they disliked each other, but they did enjoy beating the hell out of each other. Sometimes months would go by without Mr. Banner "hulking out" and he'd get out of shape. It didn't seem very fair to let them fight at such a mismatch, but it did make Mr. Kent laugh.
Despite the compliments from Mr. Kent, Diana decided she wanted to get back in shape and really got into running marathons. Of course, her Wonder Woman super powers all but assured her winning every time, but sometimes she held back and just finished in the top ten. She said she didn't want to "discourage the mortals."

And finally, Arthur spent so much time out at sea as Aquaman that it was natural he started to form friendships apart from the supers. The strange thing wasn't that they were all Russian sailors, it was that they spent so much time at dance clubs.

Wow, it's great to be back at the J.E.I., and I've got another set of photos ready publish. So until then, this has been Jimmy Olsen, your super pal!

Also in this series...