Science! Earth to Pluto: Go Eff Yourself.

Well there's a fine how-do-you-do. One day, you're a planet. The next, you're just an icy rock. Them's the breaks.

But that's not all. Just in case you haven't kept up on the recent "up-is-down, black-is-white" hysterical declarations by the scientific community, here's a quick lowdown:

• Plutonium will now be called "Blowupium"
• Rice is now classified as a mineral
• Salt water is now drinkable and considered highly delicious
• Triangles can now contain up to five sides, or six if they're red
• Snakes are now scientifically impossible
• Seven is to be split into two digits, "se" and "ven"
• Smoking causes more "cool" than "cancer"

Also in this series...

• Seriously, What The Hell?
• There Is No God

You Can't Keep A Good Blog Down...

There there, the Journal of Ephemeral Inspirtation hasn't closed up shop, we've just been on our post-season hiatus. We will resume making with the funny this week, and we make you this promise: It will be 100% American Idol-free. For all of our sakes.

News: American Idol Of The Living Dead, The Finale

Oh please stop shouting "soul patrol!" at us... we're so very tired...

Really, is there a bigger over-baked gluttony of seam-stuffed saccharine suckfest than a two-hour American Idol finale show? My god, it's like eating a football-sized chocolate covered marshmallow packed with cotton candy. With a prostitute. We almost forgot the "shameful regret" part.

But now that it's all said and done, with Taylor's Idol tiara perched atop his oversized grey 'do, and since the last two hours of our lives just aren't coming back, let's reflect on what stood out and lessons learned...

• Watching Chris Daughtry be forced to sing a Christopher Cross song and dance in unison with Kevin Covais is worth more than money. Didn't see that coming, did you, Rockstar?
• We're told Katharine's nether-regions made another guest appearance, but we can't verify it. Damn you yet-to-be-purchased Tivo!
• We know Kelly Clarkson has told the show to go screw, but where was Reuben? Fantasia? Rocker Bob Ice? Sideshow Justin? William Hung?
• Nice to see Melissa again. Seriously, she's a good egg.
• Hasselhoff wept, as did the angels.
• Clay Aiken's cocksure smirk was off-putting. As were his bangs. But the little freak they brought in to "sing" seemed impressed.
• Ace is still an ass.
• The wax dummy playing Carrie Underwood was flawless.
• Note to Idol staff writers: you totally blew the opportunity to use the word "McPheetloaf"
• Toni Braxton sounded like a ventriloquist dummy and looked like a post-op transsexual.
• Dionne Warwick's last note was interesting. All five she tried to hit.
• Prince is still kickass. Or is again; we think he wasn't for a little while.
• Are Taylor and Kat supposed to be dating now? I didn't see the script.
• We'd totally watch a weekly hour-long show called Kellie Pickler, Functional Retard. It'd be better than Cops.
• Can we be done with Randy Jackson now? We get it already. At first you didn't know about the song choice, but you did your thing, we got a hot one, bladdity blah... you're about as useful as a two-legged stool, dawg.

Also in this series...

• American Idol Of The Living Dead, Round 13
• American Idol Of The Living Dead, Round 12
• American Idol Of The Living Dead, Round 11
• American Idol Of The Living Dead, Round 10
• American Idol Of The Living Dead, Round 9
• American Idol Of The Living Dead, Round 8
• Happy Birthday, Sherm.
• American Idol Of The Living Dead, Round 7
• American Idol Of The Living Dead, Round 6
• American Idol Of The Living Dead, Round 5
• American Idol Of The Living Dead, Round 4
• American Idol Of The Living Dead, Round 3
• American Idol Of The Living Dead, Round 2
• American Idol Of The Living Dead, Round 1
• Killer Veep Vows Revenge, Guns Down Lawyer
• State Of The Union, With A Vengeance
• American Idol Uncensored: The Americanist Edition
• Can You Feel The Hate? American Idol Is Back
• Whoville Breeds Green-Glowing Pigs
• Pat Robertson Surprised At Fuss, Sets Record Straight
• Fall 2005 J.E.I. Interns
• The Least Litigious Place On Earth
• Cartoon World Mourns Death Of Jabberjaw
• Olympics & Pans
• Mississippi No Longer Burning, Itching Persists
• Get Away From Her, You Bi-yotch!
• Alba's Nipple Fulfills Red Carpet Duties
• Runaway Bride Pleads No Contessa To Felony
• Sit Down, American Idol, We Need To Talk
• Vatican Fast-Tracks John Paul II Sainthood, Issues Commemorative Cookie Jar
• Tough Break, Chekov
• You Was Robbed, Dawg
• Your Next American Idol
• And A Habemus Papam To You!

News: American Idol Of The Living Dead, Round 13

Now, if we were cruel, we'd make some sort of crack about E.T. saying "Ouch!" or something like that, but we're not cruel (much).

Truth be told, Elliott was the best singer of the bunch, but what can you do? Taylor has his crowd-pleasing Gray Charles schtick (woo!) and Katharine... well, she's got a cople of solid reasons she draws in the votes.

Boobs, if you didn't know what we were talking about.

So off you go, Elliott, go put those oversized teeth to some flesh-rending use.

Taylor and Katharine? We'll see the two of you next week, when the show will be much longer than it needs to be, and each of you will be forced to sing the bland dreck off a song that is foisted upon the Idol finalists.

And then we can put this godforsaken topic to rest. What the fuck were we thinking?

Also in this series...

• American Idol Of The Living Dead, Round 12
• American Idol Of The Living Dead, Round 11
• American Idol Of The Living Dead, Round 10
• American Idol Of The Living Dead, Round 9
• American Idol Of The Living Dead, Round 8
• Happy Birthday, Sherm.
• American Idol Of The Living Dead, Round 7
• American Idol Of The Living Dead, Round 6
• American Idol Of The Living Dead, Round 5
• American Idol Of The Living Dead, Round 4
• American Idol Of The Living Dead, Round 3
• American Idol Of The Living Dead, Round 2
• American Idol Of The Living Dead, Round 1
• Killer Veep Vows Revenge, Guns Down Lawyer
• State Of The Union, With A Vengeance
• American Idol Uncensored: The Americanist Edition
• Can You Feel The Hate? American Idol Is Back
• Whoville Breeds Green-Glowing Pigs
• Pat Robertson Surprised At Fuss, Sets Record Straight
• Fall 2005 J.E.I. Interns
• The Least Litigious Place On Earth
• Cartoon World Mourns Death Of Jabberjaw
• Olympics & Pans
• Mississippi No Longer Burning, Itching Persists
• Get Away From Her, You Bi-yotch!
• Alba's Nipple Fulfills Red Carpet Duties
• Runaway Bride Pleads No Contessa To Felony
• Sit Down, American Idol, We Need To Talk
• Vatican Fast-Tracks John Paul II Sainthood, Issues Commemorative Cookie Jar
• Tough Break, Chekov
• You Was Robbed, Dawg
• Your Next American Idol
• And A Habemus Papam To You!