The Journal of Ephemeral Inspiration

Science! Earth to Pluto: Go Eff Yourself.

2006-08-24T21:43:00.000-04:00

Well there's a fine how-do-you-do. One day, you're a planet. The next, you're just an icy rock. Them's the breaks.

But that's not all. Just in case you haven't kept up on the recent "up-is-down, black-is-white" hysterical declarations by the scientific community, here's a quick lowdown:

Plutonium will now be called "Blowupium"
Rice is now classified as a mineral
Salt water is now drinkable and considered highly delicious
Triangles can now contain up to five sides, or six if they're red
Snakes are now scientifically impossible
Seven is to be split into two digits, "se" and "ven"
Smoking causes more "cool" than "cancer"

Also in this series...

You Can't Keep A Good Blog Down...

2006-06-10T23:45:00.000-04:00

There there, the Journal of Ephemeral Inspirtation hasn't closed up shop, we've just been on our post-season hiatus. We will resume making with the funny this week, and we make you this promise: It will be 100% American Idol-free. For all of our sakes.

News: American Idol Of The Living Dead, The Finale

2006-05-24T22:40:00.000-04:00

Oh please stop shouting "soul patrol!" at us... we're so very tired...

Really, is there a bigger over-baked gluttony of seam-stuffed saccharine suckfest than a two-hour American Idol finale show? My god, it's like eating a football-sized chocolate covered marshmallow packed with cotton candy. With a prostitute. We almost forgot the "shameful regret" part.

But now that it's all said and done, with Taylor's Idol tiara perched atop his oversized grey 'do, and since the last two hours of our lives just aren't coming back, let's reflect on what stood out and lessons learned...

Watching Chris Daughtry be forced to sing a Christopher Cross song and dance in unison with Kevin Covais is worth more than money. Didn't see that coming, did you, Rockstar?
We're told Katharine's nether-regions made another guest appearance, but we can't verify it. Damn you yet-to-be-purchased Tivo!
We know Kelly Clarkson has told the show to go screw, but where was Reuben? Fantasia? Rocker Bob Ice? Sideshow Justin? William Hung?
Nice to see Melissa again. Seriously, she's a good egg.
Hasselhoff wept, as did the angels.
Clay Aiken's cocksure smirk was off-putting. As were his bangs. But the little freak they brought in to "sing" seemed impressed.
Ace is still an ass.
The wax dummy playing Carrie Underwood was flawless.
Note to Idol staff writers: you totally blew the opportunity to use the word "McPheetloaf"
Toni Braxton sounded like a ventriloquist dummy and looked like a post-op transsexual.
Dionne Warwick's last note was interesting. All five she tried to hit.
Prince is still kickass. Or is again; we think he wasn't for a little while.
Are Taylor and Kat supposed to be dating now? I didn't see the script.
We'd totally watch a weekly hour-long show called Kellie Pickler, Functional Retard. It'd be better than Cops.
Can we be done with Randy Jackson now? We get it already. At first you didn't know about the song choice, but you did your thing, we got a hot one, bladdity blah... you're about as useful as a two-legged stool, dawg.

Also in this series...

News: American Idol Of The Living Dead, Round 13

2006-05-17T23:13:00.000-04:00

Now, if we were cruel, we'd make some sort of crack about E.T. saying "Ouch!" or something like that, but we're not cruel (much).

Truth be told, Elliott was the best singer of the bunch, but what can you do? Taylor has his crowd-pleasing Gray Charles schtick (woo!) and Katharine... well, she's got a cople of solid reasons she draws in the votes.

Boobs, if you didn't know what we were talking about.

So off you go, Elliott, go put those oversized teeth to some flesh-rending use.

Taylor and Katharine? We'll see the two of you next week, when the show will be much longer than it needs to be, and each of you will be forced to sing the bland dreck off a song that is foisted upon the Idol finalists.

And then we can put this godforsaken topic to rest. What the fuck were we thinking?

Also in this series...

News: American Idol Of The Living Dead, Round 12

2006-05-10T21:53:00.000-04:00

Ouch! Seacrest is such a sadistic little creep, in'nt he? I'm surprised Chris didn't clean his clock for him.

Still, it makes sense to us. Someone's got to go. Whipping-boy Elliott just worked harder. Taylor's got his "soul patrol" (woo!) zealots. Katharine... we'll, she just makes us all tingly. So that leaves Chris and his angry whiny vibrato. Duck duck duck goose, bitch.

Seriously, Cueball-- did you think winning American Idol was going to give you some sort of rocker street cred, or were you just going for the big payday? Being a zombie is way more rock and roll, dawg.

Also in this series...

News: American Idol Of The Living Dead, Round 11

2006-05-03T22:14:00.000-04:00

Paris was still on the show? Huh.

Perhaps the flesh-starved zombie horde will find her Sybil-like switch from camera mugging squeaky-voiced imp to pooch-lipped attitude-slathered twitchpot charming, maybe not. Either way, it's brains on the menu for Princess P. Bon appy-teat.

Also in this series...

News: American Idol Of The Living Dead, Round 10

2006-04-26T21:19:00.000-04:00

Let's face it, Kellie had been running on "cute hick" fumes for about the last two shows. And her "Unchained Melody" was enough to make Bobby Hatfield rise up from the grave to stuff a sock in her gob. Bill Medley, too, and he's not even dead.

So now Paula is back to being the dumbest person on the show. Huzzah, you drunk freak.

A special kudos to Katharine finally playing the breast card. We at the J.E.I. salute you, if you know what I mean (and I think you do).

Also in this series...

Editorial: Action Goddamn Jackson

2006-04-25T19:44:00.000-04:00

By now you've heard of the summer blockbuster-to-be Snakes on a Plane, starring Samuel L. Jackson, a film already tagged as the "feel-good hit of 2006" around the sprawling J.E.I. compound. But after having Sam's name engraved on the statuette, we started to worry. What if the film just doesn't find it's audience? Decisive action was needed.

Like any good (or even passable) Sam Jackson flick, his no-nonsense angry-but-cool character has just got to have a kickass catchphrase. Oh sure, we can expect him to grab some weasely honkey by the collar and bark "There's goddamn snakes on the motherfucking plane!" or "There's motherfucking snakes on the goddamn plane!" or some combination thereof, but when Sam is about to dispatch the last of the goddamn plane's motherfucking snakes, he needs the line that will be on the lips of middle school boys well past Thanksgiving.

Since Wesley already has dibs on our personal favorite ("Always bet on black"), we've come up with a top ten list for the producers to consider...

10. "This is where I go Rikki-Tikki-Tavi on your ass."

9. "I'm about to commit some black on black snake violence."

8. "Coil your limb-less ass around this."

7. "You cold-blooded egg-laying motherfucker."

6. "Say "Hi" to Adam and goddamn Eve."

5. "King cobra, my ass."

4. "Jimmy crack corn and I don't care, motherfucker."

3. "Goddamn motherfucking snakes."

2. "Motherfucking goddamn snakes."

1. "What can brown do for you, bitch?"

Don't you get it? They're snakes and they're on a plane!

Also in this series...

News: American Idol Of The Living Dead, Round 9

2006-04-19T21:33:00.000-04:00

Woooo!

It's like finally passing a kidney stone, isn't it?

Thanks for playing, Fabio, now take your beanie, scar, and vagina and am-scray.

See ya, wouldn't wanna be ya... chump!

Also in this series...

Friday Round-Up: April 14, 2006: Happy Birthday, J.E.I.

2006-04-14T23:15:00.000-04:00

Can you believe it? A whole year already. It seems like only yesterday the Gutenberg 5000 Cyberpress® started belching its noxious fumes of cruel mockery and the mighty J.E.I. came screaming into this horrible world.

Lately we've been on somewhat of an American Idol tear, and can you blame us? That putz Ace is still in the running. He must be stopped, Americans (and Puerto Ricans and Guamians). At least we've had some consolation this week, roaming the halls of the J.E.I. compound belting out the name game song:

"Bucky, Bucky, Bo-Bucky
Bananafana Fo-Fu..."

You get the idear.

But no matter, it's time to celebrate, and this Friday Round-Up basks in the glory of a year's worth of meaningless glory. Scientists may marvel that once again we made it around the goddamn sun without getting swatted by a ginormous meteor, but the real huzzah goes to the J.E.I.'s 163 posts. One of these days we'll slap together a "best of" for reading on the crapper, but trust us, every one of the 163: fried gold.

Stay with us for another trip around the sun, fair readermonkeys, because this time we're going for 164.

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Bad Art
We don't know a lot about art but we know what we hate.

Correction
A.K.A "Please withdraw your lawsuit."

We Don't Dwell On Your Mistakes

Editorial
Opinions are like bellybuttons: a useless deforming scar.

Ephemedia
Nifty graphics, sounds and video guaranteed to crash your computer.

Ephemereviews
Those who can't do, review.

Feature Articles
Finally, some meat on this bone.

Food Of The Gods
Would that we could eat like them.

For Sale
Caveat Emptor. Seriously.

Hot Or Not?
Celebrities ridicule the insecure. Fun.

Illiterature
Because reading is fundemental.

Lost & Found
Uniting keepers and weepers.

Lost TV
Untold tales of the glowing glass teat.

News
Stop the presses.

Poetry
There once was a girl from Nantucket...

The Savage Breast
Music, not boobs, you perv.

Science!
What she blinded us with.

Seal Of Approval
Sites that don't suck so much.

Storytime Corner
Once upon a time... .

A Wee Nancy Story

A Thousand Words
What a picture is worth, depending on exchange rates.

Watercooler
Intercepted communications amongst the staff.

Pot Yuck

Wish List
Or, as Black Flag said, "Gimme gimme gimme."

Insania Fragilis, Fectum Dubitabilis!

News: American Idol Of The Living Dead, Round 8

2006-04-12T22:10:00.000-04:00

Maybe it was for the best that Mandisa got the boot last week-- she probably wouldn't have enjoyed belting out Freddie Mercury tunes, if you, uh, know what we mean.

(If you don't what we mean, what we mean is Mandisa's not down with the leather set. And by leather set, we mean homos. And by homos, we mean sexuals. Get it now?)

Ah well, she's shuffling along as a brain-craving zombie now, spreading her message of intolerance among the unholy decaying Lazarites. And joining her this week is everybody's favorite rube, Bucky.

The irony is, for all our railing against Bucky, we actually liked his raspy version of "Fat Bottomed Girls" (*cough*MANDISA*cough*). Again, oh effing well... let's take a look at where we're at.

Hey Ace-- hear that bell? It's tolling for thee, you fey putz. You will you will not rock me.

Also in this series...

News: Happy Birthday, Sherm.

2006-04-10T22:25:00.000-04:00

Can you believe it? It hardly seems a year since we had the big nine-oh blowout, and here we are wishing Harry Morgan many happy returns as he tries to huff and puff ninety-one candles into smokey black cake-topping wicks.

Born Harry Bratsburg in 1915, he's in good birthday company: Vernon Presley, Sheb Wooley, Chuck Connors, Martin Denny, Steven Seagal, Babyface, Max Von Sydow, Omar Sharif, Haley Joel Osment and the ultra-delicious Mandy Moore all turn one year older today. But it's Harry's special day we're here to celebrate, and we'd like to do so with a quiz.

Match the wacky M*A*S*H hijinx with the colorful "Sherman T. Potter-ism" it prompted. Easy peasy, right?

	1. Klinger claims he's the Toledo Strangler and begs to be extradited back to Ohio to stand trial.	A. "Horse hockey!"
	2. Frank Burns wants Hawkeye brought up on charges for calling him "ferret-face" in front of the enlisted men.	B. "Mule Fritters!"
	3. Radar tips off the Colonel that General Clayton is due any minute for a surprise inspection.	C. "Sweet Fanny Adams!"
	4. Father Mulcahey walks in on the Colonel and Rosie enjoying the mutual pleasure only consenting adults can give one another.	D. "Blessed mother of fuck!"
	5. BJ breaks down in tears and confesses that he has secretly murdered eight Korean prostitutes during his time at the 4077th	E. "Shit on a cracker!"
	6. Margaret gets drunk and passes out naked in the Colonel's tent.	F. "Beans!"
	7. The Colonel's horse, Sophie, defecates in Potter's favorite oatmeal bowl.	G. "Cocksucking fucking douche!"
	8. Winchester repeatedly pleads to be reassigned to a hospital in Tokyo.	H. "Malarkey!"
	9. Potter gets word that Mildred has had a stroke.	I. "Well, fuck me!"

Happy birthday, Harry. We hope someone gives you a horse to poo in your office.

Also in this series...

News: American Idol Of The Living Dead, Round 7

2006-04-06T00:16:00.000-04:00

Uh oh, America, you done gone and forsaken Mandisa and now she's going around blessing people in the name of Jesus and whatnot. Run for the hills, sinners.

Fun and games aside, can anyone really understand a cotton-pickin' word that tumbles past Bucky's overstuffed teeth? The man is all vowels. Oh, and Ace just about pussyrocked himself into a gender reassignment last night. Sure, the guy probably gets more tail than a paper donkey at a first-grader's birthday party, but he practically morphed into Debbie Gibson circa 1991. Enough!

But at least Katharine was safe. Thanks for completing your mission, America.

Note to self: find out who did Kenny Rogers' lift. It's fabulous.

Also in this series...

News: American Idol Of The Living Dead, Round 6

2006-04-01T22:32:00.000-05:00

Listen up, America. You've got one lousy job to do. So quit screwing around and vote Ace off the cockadoody show already. Christ.

And another thing-- any of you ding dongs let Katharine sweat out Seacrest's inane cliffhanger banter again, you're gonna be sorry. So choose wisely, Dr. Jones.

Oh, Lisa... hm. Let's see, to quote Billy Joel, "Only the good become the bloodthirsty undead young." Or something like that. The man's drunk half the time, who can tell what he's saying?

Hey Gnumoon-- thanks for reading! We just love our fans.

Also in this series...

Soothing The Savage Breast: Instruments Of Regret

2006-03-24T21:14:00.000-05:00

We're pretty sure it's breast. It's musicology time again, kids, and this time we have an excerpt from Instruments of Regret: A Brass Player's Compendium of Poor Judgement by Dr. Gurn Blanston, Professor of Music, The University of Northern South Dakota.

1859 Douglas Faceophone

"The family of Pvt. Wilcox was proud to learn in his most recent letter of his appointment to elite Corps de Musique, the brass quartet serving at the pleasure of Colonel Duvalier. He'd soon regret his enthusiastic correspondence once he realized he'd been assigned as Sgt. Rathmore's custom-fitted face mute."

1889 Schumacher Trump-ette

"'Even within the confined spaces of the 19th century battlefield trench, one cannot underestimate the morale-boosting impact of a full military marching band,' Austrian army bandleader Klaus Schumacher wrote in 1889 as he developed his line of closed ranks marching instruments, including the trump-ette, the clarin-ette, and the compact one-ba. All were officially rebuked as the position-revealing nature of an in-trench marching band became overwhelmingly obvious."

1904 Fenwick Confoundophone

"Turn of the century America saw the height of the small-town concert band craze and the rise of the virtuosic instrumentalist as celebrity. Much like the gunfighters of the Old West, Cal 'Lightning Thumb' Harrison was the valve-trombonist all the young 'boners wanted to best. To stay ahead of the pack, Harrison commissioned and mastered fantastic horns that challenged the skills of even the finest up-and-comer. Pictured below is the very instrument police confirmed was used to beat 'Lightning Thumb' to death."

1918 Boxleightner Cor Le Swish

"From an advertisement in the October issue of Blower's Gazette, 'Whether they're relaxing in the saloons of San Francisco or cheek-to-cheek in the dance halls of gay Paris, the singing tones of a Boxleightner thrust through like a beam of sunlight through the dull clouds. All the boys in the band will want to blow your horn when you blow a Boxleightner!'"

1933 Pfeffer "Ganglia"

"With America recovering from the stock market crash of 1929 and the rabble-rousing of World War II near a decade away, there were few bold enough to sound the trumpets and crash the cymbals of the brass bands of the turn of the century. Professor Angus Pfeffer sought to find the balance between the grand musical days of yesteryear and the respectful doldrums of modern times. His solution? The noise-canceling 'Ganglia' horn (in B-flat). Silence never sounded so joyous."

1946 Heitz Cornary

"Following his third myocardial infarction, soloist Reginald Heitz was struck with the idea of soothing his savage breast through the gentle tones of his Heitz Cornary. His 'musicavibrotherapy' idea quickly proved fruitless, offering little to counteract his high-calorie, low exercise lifestyle."

1963 Nerf Two-ba

"The world of collegiate marching bands raised a collective eyebrow when squishy toy manufacturer Nerf Inc. diversified into brass instruments. As best can be patched together from shredded corporate documents, the idea was the supplemental bell would be used for a synchronized launch of miniature foam footballs into the glee-packed bleachers. Unfortunately, control over the timing of each launch was virtually non-existent, often resulting in bruised necks and chipped teeth of the marching band's saxophone section. Few examples remain following a post-class action lawsuit recall."

1972 Clarke "Intruder" Blastophone

"'The look they won't expect; the sound they can't ignore.' Infrequently was a tagline more accurate."

Also in this series...

Master It!

News: American Idol Of The Living Dead, Round 5

2006-03-23T21:08:00.000-05:00

Boom! Down goes Covais! Down goes Covais!

OK, we feel a little bad for the twerp. Nerdlinger seemed like a happy li'l guy, y'know, despite his debilitating and shameful lithp.

But it's adult swim time, Radar, so use your scrawny chicken wings to haul your frame out of the pool and hit the bricks with the other zombies.

To all our Jesus-loving buddies, have a happy zombie-god day!

Also in this series...

News: American Idol Of The Living Dead, Round 4

2006-03-15T22:59:00.000-05:00

At least the carnage has slowed to one sacrifice to the underworld god Khaine a week. And though we really want to see Kevin join his fellow American Losers as a member of the flesh-craving zombie horde, We'd have been happy with Bucky. Or Ace. Oh please dear lord take Ace.

Yes, Melissa forgot the words to her dull Stevie Wonder ditty (listening to the song picks, one would be tempted to, ahem... wonder why the man has such a following), and sure, her eyes are too close together, but dammit, she always sang better than we expected her to and she had a goofy charm.

Oh well, enjoy walking the earth as an unholy monster, kitten. Them's the breaks.

Best moment on this week's Idol? Taylor plopping down on the piano bench next to Stevie Wonder and offering a hearty "nice to see you!"

Also in this series...

News: American Idol Of The Living Dead, Round 3

2006-03-09T22:15:00.000-05:00

Oh the humanity! The sadistic American public has cast out four more American Idol contestants, damned to forever wander the earth as the flesh-hungry undead... and goddammit if they still haven't managed to boot Kevin.

Remember, only a head shot will take them down. When the dead walk, señores, we must stop the killing... or lose the war.

The horror!

Also in this series...

The Secret Files Of Jimmy Olsen (part 7)

2006-03-07T23:00:00.000-05:00

We swore we were done with the guy. The false promises, the blown deadlines... but with the upcoming Superman flick squarely on track to be as gay as a basket of French tangerines, we broke down and made the call. So back again on the generous J.E.I. payroll is everybody's favorite super pal; give it up once again for...

Hi gang, Jimmy Olsen here again, and it's great to be back. My health hasn't been too great the past few months, but like Mr. Kent used to tell me when supervillians would hold me for ransom, "save your bellyaching for mommy, kid." He always knew how a man should act.

The schedules of the supers were as busy as they would ever get by this point, but they still made time to get together and swap stories. It was great they way the old gang never lost touch.
Steve Rogers had become a pretty big celebrity as Captain America and this bugged Mr. Kent to no end. I found out the hard way that it was against the rules for me to take more pictures of Mr. Rogers than Mr. Kent, and let me tell you, that's a mistake I will not make again. It took me weeks to get my house keys off the top of the Daily Planet building. Barbara Gordon had finally made a name for herself apart from Mr. Wayne, but it wasn't for crimefighting, it was for that computer dating service commercial.

Thor had found Christianity and finally gotten out of the adult film industry, which caused a huge uproar in Scandinavia, because he was supposed to be a god himself. When asked, he said he was Jesus's "enforcer." And as always, there's Peter Parker... more about him in a second.
Oliver Queen really had fun being Green Arrow, and just loved to come up with all sorts of crazy things to put on arrows... there was the boxing glove arrow, the handcuff arrow, the flyswatter arrow... once he shot me with his "wet willie" arrow as a joke and my ear started to bleed a little. Like Mr. Kent said, leave it to me to spoil a party.
Before you ask, no that's not Kara-- I never did find out who Mr. Kent had brought with him, but she sure was pretty. She actually looked a lot like Mr. Rogers's ex, Pam, but I'm not really sure... At the end of the night Mr. Kent had taken me aside and told me not to show my pictures to Ms. Lane, and to make sure I didn't forget, he used his heat vision to melt my camera. Lucky for me I had changed rolls several times that night, and when Mr. Kent drank, he tended to not pay attention to details like that.
Martian Manhunter always seemed a little strange to me, which makes sense as he's an alien and all... I know what you're thinking, that Mr. Kent is an alien too, but you know, he's white.

You can't see it too well in the photo, but Peter Parker is using his web-shooters on Mr. Wayne's and Mr. Kent's um, crotches. They found him about three weeks later, tied with bat rope and stuffed in a sewer pipe. He wasn't much of a prankster after that.
Captain Marvel, Jr. and Mary Marvel only came to this one meeting. Mary took the whole "Greek culture" thing seriously, and didn't wear anything under her tunic. Mr. Queen just couldn't help himself and ended up with a lightning bolt to the chest courtesy of Captain Marvel, Jr. We never saw them again.
Mr. Banner and Mr. Grimm used to be enthusiastic rivals. I don't think deep down they disliked each other, but they did enjoy beating the hell out of each other. Sometimes months would go by without Mr. Banner "hulking out" and he'd get out of shape. It didn't seem very fair to let them fight at such a mismatch, but it did make Mr. Kent laugh.
Despite the compliments from Mr. Kent, Diana decided she wanted to get back in shape and really got into running marathons. Of course, her Wonder Woman super powers all but assured her winning every time, but sometimes she held back and just finished in the top ten. She said she didn't want to "discourage the mortals."

And finally, Arthur spent so much time out at sea as Aquaman that it was natural he started to form friendships apart from the supers. The strange thing wasn't that they were all Russian sailors, it was that they spent so much time at dance clubs.

Wow, it's great to be back at the J.E.I., and I've got another set of photos ready publish. So until then, this has been Jimmy Olsen, your super pal!

Also in this series...

News: American Idol Of The Living Dead, Round 2

2006-03-02T22:40:00.000-05:00

The bad news? Four more American Idol contestants have been voted off the show and surrendered to the throngs of flesh-eating living dead that plague Los Angeles. The good news? Brenna was one of them. Brains... brains....

See you next week for more fun-loving carnage!

Also in this series...

Friday Round-Up: February 24, 2006

2006-02-24T21:24:00.000-05:00

My goodness, time flies... before we get too far into 2006, here's a Friday Round-Up. Do yourself a solid and catch up on some funny you missed in 2005. We'll be back with a steaming hot fresh load of comedy after the weekend.

Advertising
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Bad Art
We don't know a lot about art but we know what we hate.

Correction
A.K.A "Please withdraw your lawsuit."

We Don't Dwell On Your Mistakes.

Editorial
Opinions are like bellybuttons: a useless deforming scar.

Ephemedia
Nifty graphics, sounds and video guaranteed to crash your computer.

Ephemereviews
Those who can't do, review.

Feature Articles
Finally, some meat on this bone.

Food Of The Gods
Would that we could eat like them.

For Sale
Caveat Emptor. Seriously.

Hot Or Not?
Celebrities ridicule the insecure. Fun.

Illiterature
Because reading is fundemental.

Lost & Found
Uniting keepers and weepers.

Lost TV
Untold tales of the glowing glass teat.

News
Stop the presses.

Poetry
There once was a girl from Nantucket...

The Savage Breast
Music, not boobs.

Science!
What she blinded us with.

Seal Of Approval
Sites that don't suck so much.

Storytime Corner
Once upon a time... .

A Wee Nancy Story

A Thousand Words
What a picture is worth, depending on exchange rates.

Watercooler
Intercepted communications amongst the staff.

Pot Yuck

Wish List
Or, as Black Flag said, "Gimme gimme gimme."

Insania Fragilis, Fectum Dubitabilis!

News: American Idol Of The Living Dead

2006-02-23T22:11:00.000-05:00

Pop juggernaut American Idol introduced new rules tonight: contestants voted off the show will be surrendered to the throngs of flesh-eating living dead that plague Los Angeles. We say "bravo!" It's what's been missing from Idol all these seasons: unholy terror.

J.E.I. out!

Also in this series...

Editorial: American Idolatry: Judging The Top 24

2006-02-17T23:10:00.000-05:00

This week on American Idol, Randy, Simon, and Paula narrowed the group down to their top twenty-four: twelve guys and twelve gals.

Here at The J.E.I., we're nothing if not risk-takers, so we've decided now is the time to start making predictions. And to help us out, we're proud to introduce the most judgmental gals we know: Judge Judith Sheindlin and Annie "Misery" Wilkes. Have at it ladies, and don't worry about leaving marks. This is Idol, after all...

	Judy: "Listen, Fabio. A razor and a haircut. You'd better be a good singer and not try to just coast by on your looks." Annie: "His name is Fabio?"
	Judy: "I don't care what his name is. Or little miss princess here." Annie: "Then why did you call him Fabio?"
	Judy: "This one, oy. You can tell she's trouble because she thinks she's Miss November. Grow up, cupcake!" Annie: "All whores burn in Hell."
	Judy: "Close your mouth, tubby, maybe that way you'll stay in the contest." Annie: "Whores and tramps and harlots all burn in Hell."
	Judy: "Hah?" Annie: "All of them..."
	Judy: "What the hell are you going on about?" Annie: "The Bible says..."
	Judy: "Zip it! I don't want to hear your nonsense." Annie: "You're not being very nice."
	Judy: "Zip! Shut it up, lady!" Annie: ...
	Judy: "Are you going to let me get through this?" Annie: ...
	Judy:"Well? I'm waiting!" Annie: "If you wish."
	Judy: "Fine!" Annie: "Fine."
	Judy: "Now cueball here..." Annie: "YOU DON'T TALK TO ME THAT WAY YOU COCKADOODY WHORE!!!"
	Judy: ... Annie: ...
	Judy: "Are you out of your mind?" Annie: ...
	Judy: "Seriously. Do you have problems?" Annie: ...
	Judy: "I'm working with a mental patient here." Annie: "You said his name was Fabio and it wasn't."
	Judy: "What are you talking about? You're still stuck on Fabio?" Annie: "You said..."
	Judy: ""Enough! I don't want to hear another word from you" Annie: ...
	Judy: "Understand me?" Annie: But...
	Judy: "NOT ANOTHER WORD!!!" Annie: ...
	Judy: ... Annie: ...
	Judy: Moving on. This young lady might have a chance if she..." Annie: "I'LL KILL YOU YOU FUCKING BITCH!!!"
	Judy: "OK, I'm done. Bye bye!" Annie: "KILL YOU!!!"
	Judy: "I'm finished!" Annie: AAAUUGHHHHH!!!"

Did we mention that neither woman has had a chance to watch the show? Maybe we should have...

Also in this series...

News: Killer Veep Vows Revenge, Guns Down Lawyer

2006-02-12T23:23:00.000-05:00

By Gurn Blanston, AP White House Correspondent

Vice President Dick Cheney shot and wounded a companion during a weekend quail hunting trip in Texas, spraying the fellow hunter in the face and chest with shotgun pellets.

Harry Whittington, 78, a millionaire attorney from Austin, was "alert and doing fine" in a Corpus Christi hospital Sunday after he was shot by Cheney on a ranch in south Texas, said Katharine Armstrong, the property's owner.

Armstrong said she was watching from a car while Cheney, Whittington and another hunter got out of the vehicle to shoot at a covey of quail.

Whittington shot a bird and went to look for it in the tall grass, while Cheney and the third hunter walked to another spot and discovered a second covey.

"The covey flushed and the Vice President picked out a bird and was following it and shot," she continued. "And by god, Harry was in the line of fire and got peppered pretty good."

Armstrong, owner of the Armstrong Ranch where the accident occurred, said Whittington was bleeding and Cheney was somewhat apologetic.

"This is something that happens from time to time. You now, I've been peppered by Dick pretty well myself. The Vice President sometimes injures people," said Armstrong.

In 2003, Vice President Cheney made headlines when his stray golf ball killed a Pakistani exchange student working as a busboy at his Wyoming country club. Sources say Cheney smoothed over the resulting tensions with a clandestine deal that included the covert assassination of an Indian government official.

In June 2001, Cheney reportedly struck his mailman while backing out of his driveway; a rate hike for third class postage was used to fund the carrier's lawsuit settlement.

In 1987 the preserved bodies of three vagrants were discovered in the crawl space of Cheney's Casper, Wyoming home. Charges were ultimately levied against the previous owner of the property, paralyzed veteran Marvin Holt, 87.

Also in this series...

News: State Of The Union, With A Vengeance

2006-02-01T22:38:00.000-05:00

By Gurn Blanston, AP White House Correspondent

President Bush said Wednesday that even though the state of the union is strong, he understands why some Americans are worried in a time of war and job cuts.

"I understand there's an anxiety about the time of war," Bush said, trying to keep the momentum of the previous night's State of the Union address with an appearance at the Grand Ole Opry. "That's natural, seems like to me, even though this economy is roaring. It is strong, when you recognize we've overcome a lot."

In Tuesday's speech, the president rebuked critics of his stay-the-course strategy for the unpopular war in Iraq. "There is no peace in retreat," he said, "although there is a 'treat' in retreat. Y'ever notice that? Doesn't make sense."

Other notable and puzzling claims made by Bush included, "During my administration, we have significantly reduced the number of Weebles that fall down. Most of 'em now just wobble. That's better for America."

Steeling his resolve, the President insisted, "We must stay strong in the face of adversity, and stare down the evil-doers in the world, like Superman did with Lex Luthor back in the '70s."

Touting his recent victory in the confirmation of Justice Samuel Alito, Bush bragged, "I can only smile when I think of finally coming closer to restoring the proud legacy of the white man on the federal bench. Ginsberg and Thomas, I'm lookin' at you."

Addressing those who have criticized his policies about domestic wiretapping, Bush quipped, "If there are people inside our country who are talking with al-Qaida, we want to know about it, because we're having a helluva time finding those guys. We could star-69 'em or somethin'."

Striking a cautious tone, the President continued, "Tonight I ask you to pass legislation to prohibit the most egregious abuses of medical research: human cloning in all its forms, creating or implanting embryos for experiments, creating human-animal hybrids, like centaurs, satyrs, minotaurs and whatnot."

Turning to the people of hurricane-ravaged New Orleans, Bush was encouraging: "Just remember that with February comes Mardi Gras, and that means boobies. Lots of 'em. That sounds like a good deal to me."

Speaking to the citizens of Iran, Bush imparted, "America respects you and we respect your country. We respect your right to choose your own future and win your own freedom. And our nation hopes one day to be the closest of friends with a free and democratic Iran. So, y'know... get busy."

"Hindsight alone is not wisdom," Bush said. "And second-guessing is not a strategy." Bush quickly added, "And if a frog had wings he wouldn't bump his ass a-hoppin'," to a perplexed audience.

Also in this series...

News: American Idol Uncensored: The Americanist Edition

2006-01-29T21:25:00.000-05:00

Hot on the juggernaut heels of the one-two "Best of" and "Worst of" DVD punches, a giddy Fox network has announced their latest milking of their cash cow teat: American Idol Uncensored: The Americanist Edition.

Consumers can look forward to over three hours of raw cruelty as only Fox can deliver: chuckle as maternal ice-queen Paula Abdul claps like a flat-palmed seal bejeweled with garish costume jewelry while executing a series of sly eye-signals to her five personal assistants as to the boy-toy possibilities of the starstruck auditionees... howl as once-jolly fat man Randy Jackson throws down his gangsta snaps and street raps, with more awkward "dawgs" than the alley behind a Korean restaurant... but of course, it wouldn't be Idol without the sweet evil that is Simon Cowell.

The J.E.I. has managed to secure a preview copy of the forthcoming DVD, and we're proud to offer you a taste of some of the stinging "Britishisms" that only Simon can says:

"If I could, I'd invent a time machine so I can go back and impregnate your mother to stop you from being born."
"Your singing makes my ass bleed more than usual."
"I really really want to punch you."
"Don't quit your job as a piece of shit."
"Your singing makes me hate you and your entire ethnic group. Right, off you go."
"I can't believe someone hasn't killed you."
"If you're quite finished, I'm going to kill everyone in this room, and then take my own life by auto-erotic asphyxiation."
"Appalling. I'd rather listen to the death screams of another whore than listen to you sing one more note."
"Dreadful. Just motherfucking dreadful."
"You made me lose my chubby."
"Let me look at my checklist... sang out of key, check... danced like a diabetic in a candy store, check... annoyed me until Christ fell out of my belly button and ascended back to heaven, check. Get out."
"I wonder just who it is who hates you so much as to lie to you that your life is worth living."
"You're an asshole and you've got horrible tits."

Also in this series...

News: Can You Feel The Hate? American Idol Is Back

2006-01-17T22:31:00.000-05:00

The wait is finally over, you vultures. Yep, American Idol is back for season five and the mighty J.E.I. is just quivering with excitement. Not since Queen For A Day has a television show so perfectly hung on the premise that if you're willing to make a fool of yourself, you too can have your moment in the limelight.

Now, before we go any further...

You don't think those screechy divas and costumed dopes with their fetid cabaret and stumbly moonwalking actually think they will move through to Hollywood, do you? You are savvy enough to know that they calculate that a phenomenal display of talentless sucking will probably catch a sadistic grunt-level producer's eye, eventually kicking them up the food chain until they are allowed to perform their horrid self-debasement in front of collectively bored Paula, Simon and Randy, and thus having a shot at being on national television if only as a circus geek, right?

You know that, right?

OK, yes, some of them really think they can sing. Which makes their public humiliation even sweeter. And god help us, when they storm out of the audition room, furious mascara tears streaking down their puffy faces, flinging at the camera "street" obscenities and gestures they learned by deciphering the bleeps on TRL, that dear readers, is the fucking cherry on the sundae. We would love for one of them to "make it big" so that we could indeed be sorry. Please Jesus, make it one day be so.

But savor it while you can. For each season, a few weeks in, Idol makes an ugly turn to the dark side, attempting to manipulate viewers to care about these pinheads. Every reality show does it, from Survivor to Joe Millionaire to The Apprentice... so it's never a surprise. But it is always sad when the show goes from mocking to pimping (usually accompanied by a "worst of" clip show, since they can't shit on the finalists anymore). Just once we'd like to see a show with the stones to fuck over the contestants to the bitterest end.

Ah well... even the most beautiful cruelty is fleeting. At least we'll always make fun of you.

Also in this series...

Food Of The Gods: Pocky, Pretz & Pretenders V

2006-01-16T18:56:00.000-05:00

If everything we needed to know we learned from Star Trek, we know we can count on the fifth part of any series to be its Shatner-helmed nadir.

But fret not, as Chris Plummer is waiting in the wings with his bolted-on eyepatch and warmed-over Hamlet, ready to discover our undiscovered country. It at least gives us a shot at going out on a high note.

And by the way, it bears repeating; if you haven't done so, take a look at our Flickr gallery, "Pocky, Pretz & Pretenders" to see hundreds of flavor and packaging versions of Pocky and the like.

But enough chit-chat, you came here for the Pocky lowdown. We more-or-less proudly present round cinco of the J.E.I. Pocky Taste Test: The Final Frontier.

Milk Chocolate Pocky
(Milk-chocolate covered wheat biscuit sticks) Eh. Not bad, not great. The overly-sweet chocolate and the strong wheatiness of the stick step on each other's feet in their mad dash to tickle our taste buds. Message to Glico: never, never give the stick a stronger flavor than the coating.
Custard Fondu Mousse Pocky
(Whipped custard-flavored covered biscuit sticks) We've gone on record as not being fans of Pocky's Mousse line of treats. Mostly, they have come across as unbalanced, sometimes greasier tasting versions of their normal cousins. Maybe we're going soft, but Custard Fondu Mousse Pocky is... well, fine. Not bad at all. Won't make the finals, but we'd buy it in a pinch.
Chocolate Chaud Mousse Pocky
(Whipped chocolate covered biscuit sticks) See, you got cocky, Mousse Pocky. Readers may as well hop on over and read our tepid review of Chocolate Mousse Pocky. We don't know exactly what "chaud" is, but we can tell you it ain't "deliciousness." However, we do like the stripes.
Honey White Almond Crush Pocky
(White chocolate and almond bits covered biscuit sticks) We can't help feeling ripped off when, instead of a jam-packed mosh-pit of sweet sticks, a sparse and orderly row of almond-encrusted bus stop waiters greets us upon opening the box. Oh well. The "white" being somewhat obvious, we can't really make out any honey flavor. Nor is it really that different than Almond Crush Chocolate Pocky. So knock yourself out, whatever you can grab.
Caramel Pocky
(Caramel-flavored covered biscuit sticks) We definitely get a solid hit of caramel biting into these sticks, but the aroma quickly drifts to a flavor something very similar to Cheesecake or Yogurt Pocky. Which in and of itself is fine, but when a Pocky can't distinguish itself in a crowd, our eyes start to glaze.

Next time: Sesame? Soybean? We brave the waters of the scary Eastern palette. Sit tight, Pocky Pals...

Also in this series...

News: Whoville Breeds Green-Glowing Pigs

2006-01-12T19:56:00.000-05:00

By Gurn Blanston
BBC News, Whoville

Scientists in Whoville say they have bred three pigs that glow in the dark.

They claim that while other researchers have bred partly fluorescent pigs, theirs are the only pigs in the world which are green through and through.

The animals are transgenic, created by adding genetic material from jellyfish into a normal pig embryo.

The researchers hope the animals will boost the island's stem cell research, as well as helping with the study of human disease.

The researchers, from National Whoville University's Department of Animal Science and Technology, say that although the pigs glow, they are otherwise no different from any others. They are perfectly at home in a box, with a fox, on a plane or on a train.

Whoville is not claiming a world first. Others have bred partially fluorescent pigs before. But the researchers insist the three pigs they have produced are better.

They are the only ones that are green from the inside out. Even their heart and delicious internal organs are green, they say.

To create them, DNA from jellyfish was added to about 265 pig embryos which were implanted in eight different pigs.

Four of the pigs became pregnant and three male piglets were born three months ago.

Green generation

In daylight the researchers say the pigs' eyes, teeth and trotters look green. Their skin has a greenish tinge.

In the dark, shine a blue light on them and they glow torch-light bright.

The scientists will use the transgenic pigs to study human disease. Because the pig's genetic material is green, it is easy to spot.

So if, for instance, some of its stem cells are injected into another animal, scientists can track how they develop without the need for a biopsy or invasive test.

But creating them has not been easy. Many of the altered embryos failed to develop, though chicken eggs have shown promising results.

The researchers say they hope the new, green pigs will mate with ordinary female pigs to create a new generation - much greater numbers of transgenic pigs for use in research.

Also in this series...

The J.E.I. Seal Of Approval XIV

2006-01-11T20:41:00.000-05:00

Like the pokey Titanic trying to scoot betwixt the icy-bergs, firing up the blast furnace to get The Journal of Ephemeral Inspiration back up to running speed after our unexplained late Autumn sabbatical takes a bit of time. So to pace ourselves, we've elected to ease into things with our almost completely pointless J.E.I. Seal of Approval.

Chuck Norris Facts
Normally we try to stay away from the sites the other sites are pimping, but holy christ if this isn't one of the funniest things we've read in months. Seriously, it's piss your pants/get a cramp in the back of your skull funny.
Esquire Cover Gallery
OK, after that you're gonna need to decompress a little. This collection of Esquire Magazine covers dating back to 1933 is pretty fascinating, and won't give you a skull-cramp.
Kiddie Records Weekly
Hope you popped for the big iPod, because if this site gets its hooks into you, you're gonna be downloading enough vintage children's recordings to make Captain Kangaroo plotz. We're still waiting for Ernie & Bert's "Tiger Hunt" (b-side to the "Rubber Duckie" 45).
Sears Wishbook 1979
If you're in your mid-to-late thirties, this was your childhood Bible. No Christmas was complete without slipping a dog-eared Sears Wishbook to Mom & Dad with all the slot cars and crappy Sears-brand video games circled. Now scanned and Flickr'd for your nostalgic convenience. Really, where else but in a 1979 Sears Wishbook are you gonna see Superman clinging to Godzilla's leg like a squealing pussy?

Well done, all. Insania Fragilis, Fectum Dubitabilis!

Also in this series...

All Hail... Whatsisname.

2006-01-08T10:55:00.000-05:00

On a recent outing to one of our fine local Asian markets, we spotted this beauty plastered to the front door. Fortunately, there was a pile of them next to the free (Asian) newspapers near the exit, because by gum, we were prepared to swipe the posted one right off the tempered glass.

We have no idea who this is, or what he's about, but let it be known across the land that he is now our all-powerful leader.

Also in this series...

2005 Round-Up: Happy New Year From The Mighty J.E.I.

2005-12-31T22:44:00.000-05:00

The ball is ready to drop, the calendar page is ready to be torn, and Regis and Dick are ready to go wrinkled mano a mano.

Hunkered down here in the depths of the J.E.I. compound, we can think of no better way to ring in the new year than basking in the glory of our previous accomplishments. From our spectacular mid-April launch, to our inexplicable Autumn slump, The Journal of Ephemeral Inspiration made 2005 our bitch, raking in eager readermonkeys like Nader snatched disillusioned Democrats.

So catch up on what you missed, and look for our continuing supernova of cruel mockery in '06.

Advertising
As authentic as anything else we do.

Bad Art
We don't know a lot about art but we know what we hate.

Correction
A.K.A "Please withdraw your lawsuit."

We Don't Dwell On Your Mistakes.

Editorial
Opinions are like bellybuttons: a useless deforming scar.

Ephemedia
Nifty graphics, sounds and video guaranteed to crash your computer.

Ephemereviews
Those who can't do, review.

Feature Articles
Finally, some meat on this bone.

Food Of The Gods
Would that we could eat like them.

For Sale
Caveat Emptor. Seriously.

Hot Or Not?
Celebrities ridicule the insecure. Fun.

Illiterature
Because reading is fundemental.

Lost & Found
Uniting keepers and weepers.

Lost TV
Untold tales of the glowing glass teat.

News
Stop the presses.

Poetry
There once was a girl from Nantucket...

The Savage Breast
Music, not boobs.

Science!
What she blinded us with.

Seal Of Approval
Sites that don't suck so much.

Storytime Corner
Once upon a time... .

A Wee Nancy Story

A Thousand Words
What a picture is worth, depending on exchange rates.

Watercooler
Intercepted communications amongst the staff.

Pot Yuck

Wish List
Or, as Black Flag said, "Gimme gimme gimme."

Insania Fragilis, Fectum Dubitabilis!

Star Wars VII: The Return Of The J.E.I.

2005-11-27T14:55:00.000-05:00

Fret not, fair readermonkeys. The rumored demise of the mighty Journal of Ephemeral Inspiration is just not true. We've got a seam-bursting stockpile of funny waiting in the wings, and will resume publication any day now. More Pocky, more Jimmy Olsen, more of our patented Ephemereviews, you name it, we're sitting on it.

Meanwhile, if you've arrived here via a search engine (which, stats reveal is likely you searched for "Alba's nipples"), take a spin through our expansive archives, and feel free to leave comments. We can take it.

The J.E.I. Seal Of Approval XIII.5

2005-10-31T07:55:00.000-05:00

If there's one thing we like here at the J.E.I. compound, it's snappy Flash animation with a retro feel. And fan mail. And offers for reciprocal links. OK, that's three things, but imagine our glee when we got a hat-trick email this weekend from Rob Hernandez, creator of Deserted.com, a super-cool Flash animation series.

In Rob's own modest words, "Deserted is a Flash animated series starring a crew of desert-dwelling critters stuck with each other in an unforgiving, desolate wasteland." Indeed. But he left out clever, smartly-designed and funny to boot.

So thanks to Rob for reading (and linking to us) and for writing in. To Deserted.com we award a special edition of our almost completely pointless J.E.I. Seal of Approval.

Well done, Rob. Insania Fragilis, Fectum Dubitabilis!

Also in this series...

The J.E.I. Seal Of Approval XIII

2005-10-16T14:38:00.000-04:00

Like Solomon bisecting a baby, it's time once again for The Journal of Ephemeral Inspiration to reward the few and dash the champagne wishes and caviar dreams of the many with our almost completely pointless J.E.I. Seal of Approval.

Of course Bible scholars will tell us our analogy makes no sense, to which we say neither does your chosen career path. So there.

Haunted Memories
What better way to memorialize your grandparents than to have Eddie Allen whip up their wedding photo into a lenticular visage of unease and macabre sacrelidge? Even better, use the money your Great Aunt Ida left you to transform her saintly smile into a gaping maw of bloody toothlessness.
Katie Rice's Funny Cute
While at the other end of the spectrum, we have Katie Rice, she of the funny cute girl doodles. Great fun.
Your Band Sucks
Oh, you know how we just love cruel mockery. Here's a good example of pooping on those who truly deserve it.
3 Dev Adam
Our favorite movie we've never seen, 3 Dev Adam (or 3 Mighty Men) is a Turkish "film" that pits Captain America and Santo the Mexican Wrestler against an evil sadistic Spider-Man. The site is complete with storyline, commentary and loads of screen-grabs. Fan-damn-tastic.

Well done, all. Insania Fragilis, Fectum Dubitabilis!

Also in this series...

Ephemereviews: The Taking Of Pelham 123

2005-10-15T13:06:00.000-04:00

Video Format: 2.35:1 Widescreen
Audio Format: Dolby Digital 2.0 (Mono)
DVD Format: SS-SL
Language Tracks: English, French, Spanish
Subtitle Tracks: French, Spanish
Length: 124 minutes
Rating: R
Release Date: May 1, 2001
Packaging: Keep Case
Region Code: 1
Studio: MGM
Catalog Number: 908375

Expectations & Reactions:

In the '70s, the best gritty "cops and robbers" films took place in New York, with the Big Apple at the height of its tough and dangerous reputation. While by no means glamorizing the city, Serpico (1973), The French Connection (1971), and Dog Day Afternoon (1975) were powerful films that helped boost a failing economy through filming permits under Mayor John Lindsey's administration (the "I Love New York" campaign had yet to make the scene).

1974's The Taking of Pelham One Two Three hasn't achieved the iconic status of those pictures (despite a rabid cult following), probably because of its relatively low-key action and unconventional cast. But make no mistake: The Taking of Pelham One Two Three contains a smart and efficient script, effective tension and drama, and colorful performances by a strong ensemble of character actors. Yes, the movie is dated with racial and gender epithets, hopelessly inefficient communications equipment, and horribly wide ties, but all of that is tangent to the main focus of the film: a gripping showdown of nerves and wits between two intelligent actors – stoic and calculating Robert Shaw against laconic and sarcastic Walter Matthau – surrounded by the staggering bureaucracy and profane charm only New York could offer.

The DVD release of The Taking of Pelham One Two Three was fairly low key – I doubt anyone who wasn't already a fan was even aware the film was released in the Spring of 2001 (or that it wasn't available before then). MGM is offering this catalog cult favorite in a no-nonsense DVD presentation, with a non-anamorphic widescreen transfer and no special extras beyond a theatrical trailer – is the DVD worth its budget-conscious price?

Storyline:

Four armed men, the commanding Mr. Blue, the sneezing Mr. Green, the violent Mr. Gray and the stuttering Mr. Brown (Tarantino fans, take note of the naming convention), dressed in similar and nondescript disguises, board a New York City IRT subway train (the train that departed from Pelham station in the Bronx at 1:23pm). They quickly and efficiently hijack the first car and its passengers, releasing the remaining cars and riders. The situation gradually reveals itself to the incredulous subway authorities and transit police, and the cold and professional Mr. Blue states his demands: The city is to deliver one million dollars within one hour. The hijackers will execute one hostage for each minute the money is late. As Lt. Garber of the Transit Authority begins the negotiations and battle of wits with Mr. Blue, will the Mayor's office agree to pay? And if so, will the money get there on time? Is there possibly an undercover cop on board? And just how do the hijackers plan to escape?

Look & Listen:

I've never seen The Taking of Pelham One Two Three in a pan and scan format, but I can only imagine how much atmosphere would be lost, and just how claustrophobic the viewing experience would be given that so much of it takes place either in the subway car, in the tunnels, or in the Transit Authority communications center. Preserving the Panavision 2.35:1 widescreen original aspect ratio allows the proper balance and scope of the cinematography, and is reason enough to upgrade from VHS.

Unfortunately, MGM does not present the film in an anamorphic transfer. This is a shame, as an anamorphic transfer would have increased the detail and clarity on 16:9 televisions, but keep in mind that this is a gritty '70s crime drama, and much of the drab look is intentional. Colors were intentionally desaturated and muted (primarily drawing from a spectrum of grays, browns and pale institutional greens – all except for Matthau's blazing yellow tie). Despite the toned-down colors, there is adequate contrast in the picture. There is some grain present, particularly in the plentiful dark tunnel scenes, but it is not excessive or distracting. An anamorphic transfer would have been nice (as Fox's "Five-Star" treatment of The French Connection demonstrates), but the lack thereof doesn't detract from the acceptable presentation.

Flesh tones are very natural looking, and in keeping with the practical fluorescent and subway emergency lighting. Blacks are frequently deep, but not perfect. The documentary-influenced look of the film (as you'd expect with some of the tunnel shots, the foreground is dark and the actors in these scenes are often backlit, appropriately obscuring detail) is part of what creates the kinetic tension, as there is often very little action taking place in the frame.

Dirt and scratches in the source print appear far less than one might expect, and are not distracting. Digitally, MGM has done a good job in presenting a solid transfer – there isn’t any evidence of macroblocking or noise, just minor flaws in the source material. Softening (to reduce grain) and edge-enhancement (to restore crispness to a softened picture) seems minimal, if used at all.

The Taking of Pelham One Two Three is supported effectively by Dolby 2.0 mono audio, with clear dialogue (important for a talky movie) and a surprisingly satisfying dynamic range in the score. David Shire's ultra-funky twelve-tone compositions are a favorite among soundtrack collectors, and there is ample bass response to support the pounding percussion and growling low brass. The score could have benefited spatially from a stereo mix, but it's largely incidental and mood setting, and never gets in the way of the actors (a release of the complete soundtrack on Retrograde Records notes that the original session tapes are presumed lost, though Shire managed to save scratch reels, some in stereo). It's possible some of the film's atmosphere (ambience in the Transit Authority office, chaos on the subway car, trains panning across the stereo field) could have been enhanced by a two or even five-channel mix, but as some argue early Beatles recordings sound better in their original mono, an overly-active mix isn't really necessary, and The Taking of Pelham One Two Three works just fine as is.

Features & Extras:

Well... keep in mind that there are some films we should just be happy to have on DVD. For supplements, The Taking of Pelham One Two Three DVD contains a worn and faded (but very exciting) 2:35:1 theatrical trailer, as well as mono French and Spanish language tracks and captions (no English captions or subtitles are offered). There is a superficially informative booklet that speaks largely to the production logistics, and that's it. Hardly the "Five-Star" treatment The French Connection received, but hey, I'm still thankful it made MGM's release schedule.

Menus & Navigation:

Bare-bones features or not, MGM has created nice static menus consisting of monochrome stills from the film and bold color graphics. A nice but tantalizing touch is a stereo mix of Shire's main theme looped under the main menu (listening to the main menu, particularly with headphones, demonstrates how this great music could have been better). The chapter selection and language screens utilize similarly-themed graphics, but are silent. The film is divided into thirty-two chapters, each featuring a still from the corresponding scene on the chapter selection menus.

Cast & Crew:

The Taking of Pelham One Two Three features a strong ensemble of character actors, most known (or to be known) for other roles, including Walter Matthau (The Odd Couple, 1968), Dick O'Neill (numerous TV and film appearances – you'll recognize him), and Jerry Stiller (Seinfeld) as the good guys, and Robert Shaw (Jaws, 1975), Martin Balsam (Psycho, 1960), Hector Elizondo (Pretty Woman, 1990), and Earl Hindman (Home Improvement) as the bad guys.

The film was directed by Joseph Sargent, based on the best-selling novel by John Godey, and features David Shire's funkalicious score.

Conclusions:

Action movie fans unfamiliar with The Taking of Pelham One Two Three would do well to try it out – there is an appealing realism that is missing from action thrillers today. The hero cop doesn't have a child or ex-wife on the train to motivate him; he's just doing his job (the most action Matthau sees in this film is a little collar-grabbing and snarling to convince his colleague that the situation is serious). The bad guy has no diabolical grand plan or mad lust to bring the world to its knees; he just wants the cash (a quaint million, split four ways). There are no eye-candy explosions, gratuitous shoot-outs (there's a little gunplay, but it furthers the plot) or final grappling showdown on the roof of the speeding train, just a bad guy with a plan, and a cop who uses his head to try to figure it out.

I'll put it another way: Die Hard (1988) + [Speed (1994) x Money Train (1995)] + Reservior Dogs (1992) – Rambo (1985) (or any Steven Segal movie) = The Taking of Pelham One Two Three.

For all of the DVD's missed possibilities (an anamorphic transfer, a more meticulous clean-up of the film elements, a 5.1 or at least stereo remix, more robust and informative extras…how about a commentary track from Hector Elizondo and Jerry Stiller?), The Taking of Pelham One Two Three is a must-have disc for fans of '70s crime dramas and New York films. The Taking of Pelham One Two Three stands up well with its better-known contemporaries, and MGM's widescreen presentation is completely acceptable. Perhaps MGM will revisit the film in the future with some of these enhancements, perhaps not. In the meantime, this is a solid (but not flashy) DVD of a great flick. If you're a fan of the film, you shouldn't pass on this disc.

Also in this series...

There's A Place On This Blog For The Angry Old Man...

2005-09-29T23:30:00.000-04:00

1983's An Innocent Man echoed the music Billy Joel loved as a kid. The Motown girl group inspired "Tell Her About It," Frankie Valli and the Four Seasons on "Uptown Girl" (a #3 single and RIAA certified "Gold" single about his soon to be wife, Christie Brinkley), the great Ben E. King on "An Innocent Man," the street corner doo-wop of "The Longest Time," and sharkskin, shades and pompadours on "Keeping the Faith." An Innocent Man reached #4 on the Billboard charts, was nominated for a Grammy Award for "Album of the Year," and generated six Top 40 singles, three of which made it to the Top 10, including "Uptown Girl" (which was nominated for a Grammy Award for "Best Pop Vocal Performance, Male").

It's been more than two decades since his musical love letter to leggy supermodel Christie Brinkey, but the Piano Man is back with his first new album of the 21st century...

Featuring new interpretations of classic hits, Billy digs deep into his soul to create a fitting book-end to the romance that defined his final four studio albums. Tracks include:

"She's Got a Nerve"
"The Ballad Of Billy The Schmuck"
"Say Goodbye To Driver's License"
"D.U.I. State Of Mind"
"Prelude/Cheating Young Cunt"
"Movin' Your Shit Out (Christie's Song)"
"Just The Way You Whore"
"Only That Cheating Bitch Should Die Young"
"She's Always a Woman to Someone Else"
"You May Be Broke"
"My Life Sucks"
"All For Lawyers"
"Big Twat"
"Uptown Whore"
"Big Cuckold On Mulberry Street"
"We Didn't Fuck The Pilot"

Not in stores in time for Christmas!

Also in this series...

Editorial: The Least You Could Do

2005-09-20T20:53:00.000-04:00

Sometimes you just gotta take a stand on issues that touch you. Jerry's got his kids, Chris Reeve did wonders for those with injuries inflicted by evil horses... now it's our turn.

Taking a cue from every Bush-backing soccer mom driving a Ford Windstar, we'd like to take this time to educate you on some afflictions that touch our hearts. We're going with ribbon magnets because the rubber bracelets just cost too damned much.

Here at The J.E.I., we support victims of:

There. You should be fine now; we've got you covered. May God bless you real hard.

Also in this series...

Ephemereviews: The Blob: Criterion Collection

2005-09-18T23:19:00.000-04:00

Video Format: Anamorphic 1.66:1 Widescreen
Audio Format: Dolby Digital 1.0
DVD Format: SS-RSDL
Language Tracks: English
Subtitle Tracks: English (Captions Only)
Length: 82 minutes
Rating: NR
Release Date: November 14, 2000
Packaging: Keep Case
Region Code: 1
Studio: Criterion (Spine #91)
Catalog Number: CC1560D

Expectations & Reactions:

Science Fiction B-movies in the 1950s were often throwaway drive-in filler, but occasionally contained deeper layers of social commentary (for example, Toho's Godzilla, King of the Monsters (1956) was reflective of Japan's coming to terms with the Atomic Age). In The Blob (1958), themes of teen rebellion coincide easily with thinly veiled communist paranoia (in the form of a largely unseen and ever-growing red menace that overtakes Anytown, USA, and is eventually banished to the far corners of the planet), providing a well-rounded overview of 1950s fears in America.

We weren't expecting much from the DVD of The Blob, having seen a number of schlocky (though enjoyable) 1950s monster movies, most released as budget-line bare bones DVDs with below average audio and video. Still, The Blob has become synonymous with the '50s horror movie in pop culture, along with The Thing From Another World (1951), The Creature from the Black Lagoon (1954), and The Invasion of the Body Snatchers (1956), so it seemed almost mandatory that it be part of our horror/monster/sci-fi film collection. What we found most interesting was the distributor: The Criterion Collection, known for their discriminating taste in important films. Could this non-Hollywood B-movie possibly belong in the same collection as The Seven Samurai (1954), The Third Man (1949) and The Seventh Seal (1957)?

Frankly, yes, insomuch as it is an honest attempt at filmmaking that succeeds on its own terms, not only on an artistic level, but on a social one as well. The Criterion Collection has offered a feature-rich DVD of The Blob, with a solid video presentation far better than we think the average curious viewer would expect.

Storyline:

Steve and Jane, two typical small-town teenagers, are spending a quiet evening in Steve's convertible when they see a shooting star streak across the sky. Determined to find where it landed, they race off into the countryside, only to find a delirious old man with some sort of amorphous parasite covering his hand. It seems the old man was the first to discover the meteorite and the gelatinous goo that it contained (which promptly attached itself to the man's hand). Steve and Jane rush the old man to the town doctor, only to find when they arrive that the creature has spread and enveloped the old man's entire right arm. The doctor sends the kids to see if they can find someone who knows the old man, and prepares to amputate the afflicted arm. But by the time his nurse has arrived, the old man is gone, and the blob has grown into a bright red and seemingly unstoppable menace, immune to attack and able to seep through any opening. Can it be stopped? Who will be its next victim? As the theme song says, "Beware of The Blob..."

Look & Listen:

In a word, the Criterion Collection's presentation of The Blob looks fantastic. Considering the age of the film, its frugal budget, and its usual relegation as superficial teen fare, Criterion has done an amazing job at reproducing the fine detail and vibrant color The Blob must have presented in 1958. Though the color was processed by Deluxe (on credit and a promise of future print orders), it compares to the rich three-strip Technicolor of other '50s features. The anamorphic transfer allows for crisp detail, except for moments of soft focus and brief day-for-night filtered exterior shots, particularly of the crowd fleeing the movie theatre toward the end of the film.

Blacks are largely solid and deep, which is important, as most of The Blob takes place at night, either on actual location or studio sets. There is a subtle shimmer to the print on the left side of the frame that is present throughout much of the movie, but it's not overly distracting. There are moments of minor dirt and scratches on the source print, mostly occurring at reel changes, but these do not lessen the overall viewing experience. The source print displays subtle grain, but far less than one would expect for a movie of this age. The transfer was handled with great care, and pixelation and edge enhancement are not an issue (the film's relatively short running time likely allowed for a robust bit rate). All in all, Criterion has done a wonderful job, well worth the somewhat expensive retail price.

The film’s audio is presented in Dolby 1.0 mono, and though it does reveal the limitations of 1950s audio technology, it is warm and hiss-free, and never strays into harsh tones. There is a reasonable amount of depth to the mix, with dialogue always clear, and the score used largely as emphasis to moments of suspense, but not such that it overpowers the actors. Bass response is not particularly strong, but appropriate to the rest of the mix, and the sonic range is surprisingly full and satisfying for a film of this age.

Features & Extras:

The Blob is packed with informative supplemental features – the depth of which may not be apparent at first. Two separate audio tracks feature rich commentary: the first by producer Jack Harris and film historian Bruce Elder (recorded separately in the summer of 2000), and the second by director Irvin S. Yeaworth, Jr. and actor Robert Fields (also recorded separately in 2000). Harris and Yeaworth provide the bulk of the commentary on their insightful tracks, with Elder adding historical perspective (and the occasional correction to Harris's facts), and Fields expanding upon the numerous Steve McQueen anecdotes throughout. It's clear that those involved with The Blob recall the film affectionately, and valued their experience in working with McQueen at the beginning of his film career, regardless of his troublesome reputation. A nice touch is that audio tracks are indexed by topic to correspond with the DVD chapter titles.

An annotated photo gallery entitled "Blob-obilia!" provides a good collection of behind-the-scenes and publicity stills (approximately 40), posters and publicity materials (approximately 15, including other languages and double-bills with Dinosaurus! (1960), Harris and Yeaworthy's follow-up film), and a dozen or so photos of key props and miniature sets. The photos of the sets used for the effects shots are extremely revealing as to the way they got the Blob to move about, and are one of the most interesting parts of the supplements (The Blob was created through a combination of dyed silicon poured through moving miniature sets, with an under-inflated weather balloon standing in for practical full-scale shots. The effect is quite convincing most of the time). At the end, there is a photo of the football-sized Blob itself, enshrined all these years in a metal drum by memorabilia collector Wes Shank. Although a full-blown documentary may have presented similar information in a more obvious way, the combination of the audio commentaries and the annotated photo gallery provides a fairly comprehensive look into the production.

A theatrical trailer (full of spoilers) is included, and is full of the typical fun publicity hyperbole you find in sci-fi movies from the '50s. Though presented in the same Dolby 1.0 and 1.66:1 aspect ratio as the film, the faded colors and soft details of the trailer only reinforce the beautiful clarity and colors of the feature transfer.

Bruce Kawin, professor of film studies at the University of Colorado, provides brief but insightful liner notes on the social aspects of the film in the tri-fold color booklet. A folded poster reproduction of the cover art is tucked in the inside front of the keep case, but this is more of a nice idea than a practical extra.

Finally, a Criterion Collection DVD wouldn't be complete without their ubiquitous color bars.

Menus & Navigation:

Criterion's affectionate treatment of The Blob is continued in the DVD menus. The Saul Bass-like animated opening titles are reproduced on the main menu, simulating the amorphous Blob with growing red and white organic ripples on a black pond. The film's theme song, "Beware of the Blob" (composed by a young Burt Bacharach) plays underneath in a continuous loop.

The film is divided into nineteen chapters, accessible by two sub menus. Both menus have text chapter headings, with a blobby right-hand frame showing looped highlights from the film with full sound.

The commentary menus feature selections from the orchestral score of The Blob, composed by Ralph Carmichael. Index menus for each of the two commentaries feature color stills of McQueen. All menus are easily navigable, and are great to look at.

Cast & Crew:

The Blob was directed by Irving S. Yeaworth, Jr., and produced by Jack H. Harris. The original score was composed by Ralph Carmichael, with title music by Burt Bacharach.

The Blob stars then-unknown Steve (billed as Steven) McQueen and Aneta Corsaut (who also played Helen Crump on The Andy Griffith Show) as the "teen" couple who discover the danger threatening their town. An interesting bit of trivia is an unbilled Ed McMahon as the Daughter of Horror (1955) voice-over, which is the Jack Harris-owned film playing in the Colonial Theatre near The Blob's climax.

Conclusions:

The influence of The Blob is far-reaching – considering the obvious teen demographic the filmmakers were targeting (with it's "teen" leads, cool monster, and catchy theme song), it's a safe bet that years ago Ridley Scott was inspired by the Blob hatching from the meteor and attaching itself to the old man when he directed the egg scene from Alien (1979)... Stephen King clearly drew inspiration for his "farmer-finds-meteor-which-slowly-envelops-him-in-green-moss" story for Creepshow (1982)... James Cameron must have recalled the doctor firing useless bullets into the amorphous mass when he scripted the liquid metal T-1000 in Terminator 2: Judgment Day (1991)... John Landis created a clear homage when he recreated the fleeing movie patrons in An American Werewolf in London (1981)... and then there's the art museum being covered by the pink goo in Ghostbusters 2 (1989)... well, let's just forget about that last one. As for the remake of The Blob (1988), it just doesn't match the spirit of the original.

The appeal of The Blob comes largely from its unpretentious charm. The film's low budget kept takes to a minimum, with little to no covering shots, often resulting in what comes off as a momentarily improvised or flubbed line. These unpolished moments don't detract – they simply serve as a reminder that this was a film made outside of the Hollywood system by relative amateurs. With a tight budget, Pennsylvania locations, a non-Hollywood crew, and a cast of largely East-coast stage actors with little film experience, Harris and Yeaworth produced one of the most unassuming and influential teen/monster B-movies of the late '50s.

Although the distinction of a Criterion Collection imprint imparts an authoritative mark of quality filmmaking, it also conveys a hefty price tag. A typical horror/monster/sci-fi film fan might balk at the cost of purchasing a fairly expensive '50s B-movie, but anyone looking to complete his or her collection of influential and genre-defining DVDs should give The Blob serious consideration. We think you'll be duly impressed by the video quality and comprehensive extras, if not pleasantly surprised by the film itself.

The Criterion Collection has preserved not only an important film, but also a fun one at that. Beware of the Blob? Not at all – poke it with a stick and enjoy the ride.

Also in this series...

Aquabats, Plimsouls & New Pornographers

Friday Round-Up: September 9, 2005

2005-09-09T18:22:00.000-04:00

All in all, not a bad week, though though we've got more posts on deck than put to bed than we'd like. But there's one shiny bit of coolness in the otherwise humdrum muck of late summer-- The mighty J.E.I. has a mention on Lisa Marr's site. It doesn't get much better than that.

So enjoy your weekend; we'll be back with more hilarity. Oh, and Jimmy Olsen's due back from his summer vacation next week. Maybe we can get Superman to squeeze his coal in to a journalistic diamond... anyway, here's the Friday Round-Up.

Advertising
As authentic as anything else we do.

Bad Art
We don't know a lot about art but we know what we hate.

Correction
A.K.A "Please withdraw your lawsuit."

We Don't Dwell On Your Mistakes.

Editorial
Opinions are like bellybuttons: a useless deforming scar.

Ephemedia
Nifty graphics, sounds and video guaranteed to crash your computer.

Ephemereviews
Those who can't do, review.

Aquabats, Plimsouls & New Pornographers

Feature Articles
Finally, some meat on this bone.

Food Of The Gods
Would that we could eat like them.

For Sale
Caveat Emptor. Seriously.

Hot Or Not?
Celebrities ridicule the insecure. Fun.

Illiterature
Because reading is fundemental.

Lost & Found
Uniting keepers and weepers.

Lost TV
Untold tales of the glowing glass teat.

News
Stop the presses.

Poetry
There once was a girl from Nantucket...

The Savage Breast
Music, not boobs.

Master It!

Science!
What she blinded us with.

Seal Of Approval
Sites that don't suck so much.

Storytime Corner
Once upon a time... .

A Wee Nancy Story

A Thousand Words
What a picture is worth, depending on exchange rates.

Watercooler
Intercepted communications amongst the staff.

Pot Yuck

Wish List
Or, as Black Flag said, "Gimme gimme gimme."

Insania Fragilis, Fectum Dubitabilis!

Ephemereviews: Aquabats, Plimsouls & New Pornographers

2005-09-07T10:11:00.000-04:00

We understand. You want to hear some cool new music, but the choices can be overwhelming. What's good? What's crap? Well belay that consternation, Timmy, The mighty J.E.I. is here to help with our latest and greatest column, Ephemereviews.

OK, the pun is a bit of a stretch, but the love is there. Click the covers to see what Amazon has to say, or visit the record label sites listed at the end of each review.

Charge!! The Aquabats! Closing in fast on half a dozen albums in their oeuvre, this time out The Aquabats! decide to play it lean and mean. The ska horn section may be gone, but the guitar-driven music is still fun, catchy, and true to their superhero/sci-fi/Mexican wrestler/nerd rock style. Every song title ends in an exclamation point; that should tell you all you need to know. Nitro Records.
One Night In America: Live! The Plimsouls If you were a complex multi-celled being in the early '80s (i.e., more than just a sperm and egg), you probably recall "A Million Miles Away," the most ubiquitous radio and movie soundtrack (Valley Girl, The Last American Virgin) hit from The Plimsouls. But like The Knack, Cheap Trick and other guitar rock bands lost in the sea of synthy '80s new wave, The Plimsouls were best heard live. So here's your chance until the boys down in the lab get the flux capacitor into the Delorean to send you back to 1981. Oglio Records.
Twin Cinema The New Pornographers The third album by Canada's alt/indy/eclectic pop rock darlings, "Twin Cinema" picks right up from where the brilliant "Mass Romantic" and "Electric Version" left off. A.C. Newman writes amazingly intelligent and beautifully crafted songs that rival XTC, Elvis Costello, and Brian Wilson before the meltdown. You'll wonder how something so dense and complex can sound so simple and right. Matador Records.

There, we've done your thinking for you; doesn't that feel better? We'll be back from time to time with more J.E.I.-approved music, movies and such, so have those wallets at the ready.

Wish List: Batman TV Show Shakespeare Bust

2005-09-06T10:49:00.000-04:00

Though we're not the first fan boys to drool over this kitschy gem, we've had our eye on it for years (but the $300 price tag has always kept it just out of reach of the impulse buy column). Of course, we're talking about the fantastic secret Batpole access switch Shakespeare bust from the Batman TV show.

Bronze-finished and almost two feet tall, with a hinged head that reveals a retro Bakelite switch that controls an AC outlet, this mofo isn't just a prop; it has almost unlimited uses.

Plug in anything to it-- have it switch on a lamp or power up your entire music studio; wire it to open a garage door or flick on a blender, whatever-- it's just effing cool, and we want one. Now all we have to find is the dial-less light-up red batphone on a cake plate...

Also in this series...

Food Of The Gods: Pocky, Pretz & Pretenders IV

2005-09-05T22:02:00.000-04:00

Just when we think we're out...

We swear, we thought we were done, but thanks to a weekend stock replenishment at our local Han Ah Reum Asian market, we're back in the Pocky review business. Oh well. Somebody's gotta do it.

By the way, if you haven't done so, take a look at our Flickr gallery, "Pocky, Pretz & Pretenders" to see hundreds of flavor and packaging versions of Pocky and it's ilk. Why? Why not? Don't cost nothin'...

But enough babbling, let's get on with the show. We proudly present round (and please god let it be the last for a while) four of the J.E.I. Pocky Taste Test.

Giant Chocolate Pocky
(Chocolate covered giant biscuit sticks) Unlike the kind of pointless Giant Strawberry Pocky, Giant Chocolate Pocky is pretty enjoyable. Oh, it's still a novelty and definitely not an everyday Pocky, but the flavor is good and it could be a hit at dinner parties. Just be prepared to lay out about $12 per box (50¢ per stick).
Cheesecake Pocky
(Cheesecake-flavored covered biscuit sticks) Flavor-wise, not unlike its curdled dairy cousin Yogurt Pocky. But despite the accurate flavor, the texture of the coating is a little waxy, and the sticks don't have the golden toasted color of regular Chocolate Pocky. For us, Cheesecake Pocky finishes in the middle of the pack.
Chocolate Mousse Pocky
(Whipped chocolate covered biscuit sticks) We figured much of our lackluster response to Green Tea Mousse Pocky was due to the fact that while we like green tea, it's not really on our sweets radar (once we determined the flavor was much like vanilla, we could deal with it). But we had a similar "blah" response to Chocolate Mousse Pocky. The thicker coating just isn't creamy like you'd expect, and the milk chocolate flavor is extremely weak (more aftertaste than taste). You get more of a hit of greasy cocoa butter than actual chocolate, and man, that ain't cool. Not worth the extra yen.
Garden Pretz
(Vegetable-flavored biscuit sticks) The vegetarian version of Crispy Pizza Pretz. Salty and satisfying; definitely earns a spot on the repeat buy list.
Chocolate Pepero
(Chocolate covered biscuit sticks) Another pathetic offering from Korea's Lotte. Foul-smelling and even worse tasting, we sampled one stick then deep-sixed the rest. Putrid.
Hello Kitty Chocolate
(Chocolate dip and roast sesame biscuit sticks) Like Yan Yan, a do-it-your-selfer Pocky kit: Biscuit sticks and a stingy cup of chocolate frosting-like dip. But the dip is synthetic-tasting, and not at all pleasant. We know some of you have a Hello Kitty jones and just have to buy anything with the little freak's mug on it, but do yourself a favor, if you must have a biscuit/dip kit, stick to Yan Yan.
Hello Kitty Strawberry
(Strawberry flavored dip and biscuit sticks) As above, but with a horrible strawberry-flavored dip. Not worth the money.

Seriously, we're taking a Pocky break. It's not that we're off the stuff; quite the opposite, we have our favorites and we still enjoy them. But we're tired of the hunt, the game. We want to go back to s simpler time when Pocky made us smile.

So take the knowledge we've imparted to you and find your own favorite Pocky. Tell us about it. Or don't... because honestly, no one really cares. Sorry if that's a little harsh, kitten, but you gotta grow up sometime.

Also in this series...

Round-Up Your Own Damn Friday...

2005-09-02T22:32:00.000-04:00

Overseeing monumental landscaping initiatives on the J.E.I. compound grounds has kept us busier than a fly in a gorilla cage, so we'll forgo the gratuitous Round-Up this week (as we only had one real post since last Friday).

But fret not, fair readermonkeys, we're coming back strong over the holiday weekend and next week. See you then...

Food Of The Gods: Pocky, Pretz & Pretenders III

2005-08-31T21:43:00.000-04:00

We've scrounged the local Asian markets and until they restock, this will be the last Pocky, Pretz & Pretenders taste test for a little bit. Which is just as well. While we have discovered a couple new favorites (particularly Full-Bodied Chocolate Reverse Pocky and Crisp Pizza Pretz), patterns are starting to emerge; we're starting to pick up on the CIA messages in the Life Magazine copy. Take a look at our Flickr gallery, "Pocky, Pretz & Pretenders" and you'll see the hundreds of variations in packaging and flavor, and you'll see what we're talking about.

So while we rest our eyes, taste buds, and insulin receptors, please to be enjoying round three of the J.E.I. Pocky Taste Test...

Yogurt Pocky
(Yogurt covered biscuit sticks) A lightweight entry in the Pocky arena, but not bad. It's creamy, with a definite yogurty tang, completely justifying the name (instead of just punking out with white chocolate or generic "creme"). Worth a try, but it's probably not gonna make your top three.
Roast Pretz
(Plain biscuit sticks) Not as dull as it might sound on paper. Roast Pretz is basically Pocky without the chocolate (duh) but the "roast" flavor adds a bit of savory flavor (flavory) with undertones that convey a hint of buttery sweetness. Christ, that sounded stupid. If you have too much excitement in your life, Roast Pretz may help bring you back to center.
Almond Pepero
(Chocolate and almond bits covered biscuit stick) From Korea's Lotte, Pepero makes a grab at Pocky's crown. But we gotta be honest, these turds on a stick are just foul. Waxy, flavorless "chocolate," mushy almond bits... blech. What we're willing to put ourselves through for our readers...
Nude Pepero
(Chocolate filled biscuit sticks) A little better. But nothing we'd buy again, given that real Reverse Pocky is in reach. Sorry Korea, but Japan is still the pearl of the Orient. Scores some points for having the stones to use "nude" in the name and go sexy with the marketing.
Choco Yan Yan
(Chocolate dip and roast sesame biscuit sticks) For the do-it-your-selfer, we have Yan Yan, from Meiji. More or less a Pocky kit, Choco Yan Yan is a wee cup of pencil-thick biscuit sticks (which resemble extended Nabisco Tidbits, minus the cheesiness) and a wee-er cup of chocolate frosting-like dip. Not exactly the same experience as nibbling through a pack of Pocky, but good for a laugh. As the label reads, it's "Your favorite chocolity-flavored dip." Since we know of no other, it's true by default.
Strawberry Cream Yan Yan
(Strawberry flavored dip and biscuit sticks) Same as above, but with a cloyingly sweet strawberry-flavored dip. Pick one up for your kindergartener; they'll think it's the bee's knees.

Annnd... scene. We hope you enjoyed the hat trick of taste tests, and maybe you even found a new favorite yourself. Or maybe you're just wondering what the hell the fuss is all about. Either way, domo arigato, Mr. Roboto. Stay tuned for more unhealthy foodstuffs to come.

Also in this series...

Jussa Minute, Holla Wire...

2005-08-31T12:52:00.000-04:00

The Journal will resume making with the funny this evening, please continue holding, as your call is very important to us...

(Mixing our metaphors, yes, we know...)

Friday Round-Up: August 26, 2005

2005-08-26T19:53:00.000-04:00

Another weekend is upon us and that can only mean one thing, stout readermonkeys-- another J.E.I. Friday Round-Up. Your opportunity to take a high-level view of the Journal in its blessed entirety.

Released back into the wild this week: part six of Jimmy Olsen's Secret Files, '80s movie poster misfires, another slap in the face to our favorite eBay artist, a whimsical collection of figurines from our favorite 16th century fire 'n' brimstone painting, a reasonable explanation from 700 Club skipper Pat Robertson, and another quartet of J.E.I.-approved sites, all cleared for your tender eyeballs.

As always, there's more to come (maybe even a little over the weekend). So come on back now, y'hear? Saaa-lute!

Advertising
As authentic as anything else we do.

Bad Art
We don't know a lot about art but we know what we hate.

Correction
A.K.A "Please withdraw your lawsuit."

We Don't Dwell On Your Mistakes.

Editorial
Opinions are like bellybuttons: a useless deforming scar.

Ephemedia
Nifty graphics, sounds and video guaranteed to crash your computer.

Feature Articles
Finally, some meat on this bone.

Food Of The Gods
Would that we could eat like them.

For Sale
Caveat Emptor. Seriously.

Hot Or Not?
Celebrities ridicule the insecure. Fun.

Illiterature
Because reading is fundemental.

Lost & Found
Uniting keepers and weepers.

Lost TV
Untold tales of the glowing glass teat.

News
Stop the presses.

Poetry
There once was a girl from Nantucket...

The Savage Breast
Music, not boobs.

Master It!

Science!
What she blinded us with.

Seal Of Approval
Sites that don't suck so much.

Storytime Corner
Once upon a time... .

A Wee Nancy Story

A Thousand Words
What a picture is worth, depending on exchange rates.

Watercooler
Intercepted communications amongst the staff.

Pot Yuck

Wish List
Or, as Black Flag said, "Gimme gimme gimme."

Insania Fragilis, Fectum Dubitabilis!

The J.E.I. Seal Of Approval XII

2005-08-26T14:13:00.000-04:00

It's time again for The Journal of Ephemeral Inspiration to make that Sophiest of Choices, the selective awarding of our useless J.E.I. Seal of Approval.

So have a look-see, and don't forget to tell 'em we sent you. It won't get you special treatment, but we do like having our name thrown around with the bouncers.

DeMoulin Bros. & Co. Catalog
We're still trying to figure this one out, but we're pretty sure it's way cool. Best we can tell, this is a 1930s company who's purpose was to supply various fraternal lodges everything they needed to perform their secret rituals of hazing and humiliation. Even if you don't appreciate the weirdness, the typography and design are outstanding. Props to Boing Boing for the discovery.
TV John Langworthy
TV John used to have a cable access show in Washington DC, which he really should consider reviving, or at least selling on DVD. We could never do justice to his genius, so we'll let his site copy do the talking: "He is a multimedia personality who has recorded more than 2,000 songs, songs that came to him in dreams. He is, of course, TV John. Who can forget his legendary concerts at Joe's Record Paradise, performing on trampoline, in his stylish Robin Hood suit?" That about says it all.
Superdickery
If you've been reading our series, The Secret Files of Jimmy Olsen, you already knew (even if Jimmy doesn't)-- Superman is a dick. Thankfully, Superdickery has the proof-- dozens and dozens of comic book covers depicting the Man of Steel's selfish and cruel ways.
Guitar Shred Show
You can't go wrong with interactive Flash animation based on a quasi-Asian (quasian?) philosophy of speedmetal guitar shredding. Can Mr. Fastfinger win his duel with the Devil's accordion? You've got to try it to find out.

Well done, all. Insania Fragilis, Fectum Dubitabilis!

Also in this series...

News: Pat Robertson Surprised At Fuss, Sets Record Straight

2005-08-26T13:16:00.000-04:00

VIRGINIA BEACH, VA - Religious broadcaster Pat Robertson insisted Wednesday that he did not call for the assassination of Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez, despite comments broadcast on his program two days earlier.

"I didn't say 'assassination,'" Robertson said Wednesday on his Christian Broadcast Network show "The 700 Club" about remarks reported by The Associated Press and other media outlets.

"I said our special forces should 'take him out.' 'Take him out' could be a number of things... there's a lovely Red Lobster restaurant near my offices, and I'd be honored if President Chavez would be my guest. Not as a date, of course, just as friends."

"There are a number of ways of taking out a dictator from power besides killing him. I was misinterpreted by the AP, but that happens all the time. Still, no one seemed to get their panties in a bunch when we sic'd that hooker on Swaggart. It's a double standard."

But a video of Monday's telecast shows that Robertson's exact words were: "You know, I don't know about this doctrine of assassination, but if he thinks we're trying to assassinate him, I think that we really ought to go ahead and do it. It's a whole lot cheaper than starting a war, and I don't think any oil shipments will stop."

He continued: "We have the ability to take him out, and I think the time has come that we exercise that ability. We don't need another $200 billion war to get rid of one, you know, strong-arm dictator. It's a whole lot easier to have some of the covert operatives do the job and then get it over with. How could you possibly misinterpret what I'm saying as advocating an illegal act of war on a sovereign nation?"

Here are a few other comments Robertson feels the media twisted:

"The Islamic people, the Arabs, were the ones who captured Africans, put them in slavery, and sent them to America as slaves. Why would the people in America want to embrace the religion of slavers?"

"Just like what Nazi Germany did to the Jews, so liberal America is now doing to the evangelical Christians. It's no different...More terrible than anything suffered by any minority in history."

"When lawlessness is abroad in the land, the same thing will happen here that happened in Nazi Germany. Many of those people involved with Adolph Hitler were Satanists, many of them were homosexuals – the two things seem to go together."

"The feminist agenda is not about equal rights for women. It is about a socialist, anti-family political movement that encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism, and become lesbians."

"You say you're supposed to be nice to the Episcopalians and the Presbyterians and the Methodists and this, that, and the other thing. Nonsense, I don't have to be nice to the spirit of the Antichrist."

"I know this is painful for the ladies to hear, but if you get married, you have accepted the headship of a man, your husband. Christ is the head of the household and the husband is the head of the wife, and that's the way it is, period."

"[Homosexuals] want to come into churches and disrupt church services and throw blood all around and try to give people AIDS and spit in the face of ministers."

"[Planned Parenthood] is teaching kids to fornicate, teaching people to have adultery, every kind of bestiality, homosexuality, lesbianism – everything that the Bible condemns."

When the AP called Robertson on Tuesday for elaboration, spokeswoman Angell Watts said Robertson would not do interviews and had no statement about his remarks. On Wednesday, Watts did not respond to two telephone messages, three pages and a fax seeking further comment.

On Tuesday, the State Department called Robertson's remarks "wack."

Also in this series...

Wish List: Hieronymus Bosch Pooping Devil-Bird Action Figure

2005-08-25T23:17:00.000-04:00

Screw Hummel. If you want a tough-as-nails figurine that will also stimulate your art-school sensibilities, you can't go wrong with the Hieronymus Bosch figure set.

Pictured at right, Devil on Night Chair depicts Ol' Scratch himself, his cauldron-wearing glossy black-eyed avian embodiment hungrily gobbling condemned souls while perched on a stilted commode. The figure unfortunately does not include the pit-pooping aftermath (as shown in the original painting, see below), but the message is clear: sinners are in for a world of suck.

As for the painting, please open your textbooks...

Bosch, Hieronymus: The Garden of Earthly Delight

Bosch's most famous and unconventional picture is The Garden of Earthly Delights (c. 1504; Triptych, plus shutters; Oil on panel; Central panel, 220 x 195 cm; Wings, 220 x 97 cm; Museo del Prado, Madrid) which, like most of his other ambitious works, is a large, 3-part altarpiece, called a triptych. This painting was probably made for the private enjoyment of a noble family. It is named for the luscious garden in the central panel, which is filled with cavorting nudes and giant birds and fruit. The triptych depicts the history of the world and the progression of sin. Beginning on the outside shutters with the creation of the world, the story progresses from Adam and Eve and original sin on the left panel to the torments of hell, a dark, icy, yet fiery nightmarish vision, on the right. The Garden of Delights in the center illustrates a world deeply engaged in sinful pleasures.

For a ginormous look at the complete painting, click here. The detail is amazing and horrifying. If you're on dial-up, make due with the wee graphics below. And for chrissakes, get broadband, it's 2005.

Also in this series...

Bad Art: Bumble Bee & A Blue Flower

2005-08-23T22:24:00.000-04:00

We admit it, we love Skree-ation's "art;" the more inept and derivative the better. Skree must paint, Skree must sell... Skree clearly has a muse (though we suspect that muse may well be William Hung).

Underneath its Pollyanna-esque surface, "Bumble Bee & A Blue Flower" clearly depicts a classic Marxist struggle between the proletariat and bourgeoisie. The worker bee toils day in and out to support its socialist hive; while amongst its basking peers, the means-of-production-owning flower stretches eagerly toward the bee, yearning to exploit and ultimately consume the insect. The bee lurches back in desperate self-preservation; but like post-Reagan globalism has proven, the steamroller of capitalism cannot be turned; our hero is doomed.

However, the green would go perfectly with out new divan.

Also in this series...

Ephemedia: First Draft Marketing II

2005-08-22T23:39:00.000-04:00

It's time for more couldda shouldda wouldda, or as we call it here at The Journal of Ephemeral Inspiration, First Draft Marketing.

This round of horrible ideas comes from the 1980s. Think of the millions in tickets lost and careers dashed had these clunkers made it out of the gate. Pity... we could have all been spared the last two decades of Julia Roberts.

Also in this series...

The Secret Files Of Jimmy Olsen (part 6)

2005-08-21T01:33:00.000-04:00

Perry White would have never let you blow a deadline, Jim, but we forgive you. Just don't make a habit of it...

Hi gang, Jimmy Olsen here again, and I'm really sorry my article is late this week. I guess I'm not as young as I used to be, and when those guys in the park said they wanted my wallet, well, I just should have let them have it. Of course in the old days, Mr. Kent would have just taken care of things for me, but I guess that's just not the way it works anymore.

Oh well, let's just go ahead with another round of photos and stories about my super pals.

By this time the JLA was in full swing and a bunch of supers had taken up permanent residence in our new meeting space, the Hall of Justice. Not all, of course, those "Marvel" guys wanted nothing to do with teaming up with Mr. Kent and the rest, but they'd still come for the occasional barbecue or birthday party. I spent most of my time down at the Daily Planet, trying to make Mr. Kent's desk look occupied, picking up his paychecks... OK, sometimes writing his stories for him, but golly, the guy was busy being, y'know, Superman. Give him a break already.
Say what you want, but I think the extra weight looks good on Diana. Mr. Kent thought so too. "Women should look like women, Jim, not boys with racks," he'd say. That seemed reasonable to me.

Speaking of looks, Mr. Kent always used to say he liked this picture. Something about how his "package" looked. He felt it was really important to present a good image.
Ahem... golly. You can see, uh, Kara, uh... boy that Kara was loaded for bear...

Damn you, Parker. You knew I liked her...
Barry Allen really enjoyed the merchandising aspect of being a superhero. He was never as popular as Mr. Kent or even Mr. Wayne, of course, but he loved zipping around town to all the toy stores picking up whatever action figures he could. Unfortunately his super-speed was really a bad combination with his shoplifting habit.

Oliver Queen never seemed to go anywhere without his bow and quiver of funny arrows. Once I asked him why he had such a fascination with Robin Hood, and next thing I knew I had a boxing glove arrow right in my ear. The point kind of poked through the glove a little when it hit me, so it really smarted.

I never got to know Hawkman; he didn't seem to speak English, just lots of bird noises. Sometimes when he'd fly around the room, he'd bump into the big picture window and poop on the furniture so we ended up just taking him off the JLA mailing list eventually.
Iron Man hardly every came to the get-togethers, but he was considerate enough to always send a postcard. He just preferred to spend his off hours with non-work friends. And Logan, though he'd still be really rude to me, would still have me do his headshots.
We never found out who the guy in the Thor costume was; he said he had been authorized as a replacement while the real Thor was traveling, but we never got a chance to check out his story. He just ran up to the buffet, filled his helmet with chicken satay and Beef Wellington slices and ran back out. We never saw him again. For a while, I think Steve Rogers was married. Her name was Pam and she was real nice, but I heard she had an affair with The Silver Surfer... but that's just a rumor, I don't want to get anyone in trouble.

And once again there's Pete Parker. The guy just didn't give a hoot about respecting the uniform. Or girls you had a crush on. That jerk...

Sorry to end on such a down note, gang. but that Parker just burns my toast. But don't worry, what's past is past, and I'm not gonna let it ruin our time together. Next week will be back to normal, promise! Until then, this has been Jimmy Olsen, your super pal!

Also in this series...

Friday(ish) Round-Up: August 20, 2005

2005-08-20T16:20:00.000-04:00

OK, so it's not technically Friday anymore. Big whup, you're still getting your goddamned Round-Up.

But don't let our pissy missive spoil your fun; there's some good solid comedy waiting, and all that is required from you is a mere click or scroll. New this week: a peek at the freaks that comprise the Fall 2005 JEI intern crop; offensive product marketing from one of the largest chicken-murdering corporations, a weepy tale of regret from a frozen-grinned play toy, and more Pocky. There's always more Pocky.

Jimmy missed his deadline this week, but rest assured, he's got another column in the pipe. Look for that by Monday, plus some more Ephemedia and we reveal the best sandwich you'll never eat. Plus some other crap. OK? OK.

Advertising
As authentic as anything else we do.

Bad Art
We don't know a lot about art but we know what we hate.

Correction
A.K.A "Please withdraw your lawsuit."

We Don't Dwell On Your Mistakes.

Editorial
Opinions are like bellybuttons: a useless deforming scar.

Ephemedia
Nifty sounds and video guaranteed to crash your computer.

Feature Articles
Finally, some meat on this bone.

Food Of The Gods
Would that we could eat like them.

For Sale
Caveat Emptor. Seriously.

Hot Or Not?
Celebrities ridicule the insecure. Fun.

Illiterature
Because reading is fundemental.

Lost & Found
Uniting keepers and weepers.

Lost TV
Untold tales of the glowing glass teat.

News
Stop the presses.

Poetry
There once was a girl from Nantucket...

The Savage Breast
Music, not boobs.

Master It!

Science!
What she blinded us with.

Seal Of Approval
Sites that don't suck so much.

Storytime Corner
Once upon a time... .

A Wee Nancy Story

A Thousand Words
What a picture is worth, depending on exchange rates.

Watercooler
Intercepted communications amongst the staff.

Pot Yuck

Wish List
Or, as Black Flag said, "Gimme gimme gimme."

Insania Fragilis, Fectum Dubitabilis!

Food Of The Gods: Pocky, Pretz & Pretenders II

2005-08-18T23:49:00.000-04:00

Sure, there are worse jobs in the world. We don't pretend that sampling a tasty assortment of Japanese snacks is on par with say, scrubbing Port-O-Potties™ after the Preakness, but we still take the task seriously. Take a look at our Flickr gallery, "Pocky, Pretz & Pretenders" for the 200 variations of Pocky and Pocky-wannabes that comprise our own personal Sisyphusian boulder we'll be rolling up the hill for a good long while.

But the Food Of The Gods column is a beast demanding to be sated, so strap on the feed-bag, it's time for round two of the J.E.I. Pocky Taste Test...

Almond Crush Chocolate Pocky
(Chocolate and almond bits covered biscuit sticks) Like it's tropical cousin Coconut Chocolate Pocky, the nodule-laden fuselage of Almond Crush Chocolate Pocky requires an orderly placement in the package, which means fewer to go around-- and it's significantly more expensive. The almond bits do provide a nutty flavor, but not so much that it's drastically different from plain jane Chocolate Pocky. Let your taste buds be your guide; sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don't.
Strawberry Pocky (Plain)
(Strawberry cream-covered biscuit stick) Yawn... we tried these mini-pack Pocky sticks before Giant Strawberry Pocky (reviewed last time) and were so underwhelmed, we didn't even bother to include them in our first round. Not bad but just boring.
Strawberry Pocky (With Strawberry Bits)
(Strawberry cream and dried strawberry bits covered biscuit stick) Now hold the phone... we take back every snarky thing we said about Pocky's bumpy brotherhood. Take the dull as dishwater regular Strawberry Pocky, add bits of desiccated strawberry and bam! Instant winner. These sweet and fruity delicacies jumped immediately into our top five favorites.
Crispy Pizza Pretz
(Pizza-flavored cracker sticks) The Dean to Pocky's Jerry, the Abbott to Pocky's Costello, the Gallant to Pocky's Goofus, Pretz eschews the candy sweetness of its popular sibling for a more savory adult flavor spectrum. Crispy Pizza Pretz are flatter than Pocky sticks-- more linguini than spaghetti. Salty and a little greasy, and flavored with tomato, cheese, oregano and whatever the hell make pepperoni taste like pepperoni, Crispy Pizza Pretz are pretty darn good, and incredibly addictive. A great alternative when you want a snack instead of a dessert.

The hits keep on coming-- while we've had a few Pocky variations that caused us to shrug, we've had just as many that surprised us with their appeal. We've got a few more tests on deck, including Korea's Pocky-pretender, Pepero. We'll be back with those after a few days on the treadmill.

Also in this series...

For Sale: The Handsomest Ken Ever!

2005-08-18T09:07:00.000-04:00

Island Antiques & Collectables, Chincoteague, VA. $18

To see him in his well-worn pink box, you immediately sense that "Crystal" Ken is anchored by a smooth resolve and confidence you don't usually find in second-hand store toys. But what he'll never let you see are the tears behind his piercing blue eyes and dazzlingly white smile.

It took Ken three years and thousands in therapy bills to finally accept his responsibility for the fling that brought his world crashing down. Sure, Skipper was partially to blame, but he should have known better. "I had it all and I blew it. She was Barbie's kid sister, for chrissakes," he confided to his friend GI Joe, "What the hell was I thinking?"

But he could never lie, not to her. Of course, when the ugly truth was ultimately revealed, Barbie kicked him out of the Dream House with nothing more than his original packaging and the tiny clothes on his back. And though Ken knew deep down he was getting what he deserved, he'd paid for that pink Corvette, and he'd be goddamned if she was going to take it from him. Looking back, he regrets his focus on material possessions.

Today, despite the messy divorce, he and Barbie are back on speaking terms. She says she forgives him, but he knows the hurt will always be there. She has her careers to keep her busy, and Ken knows the best thing he can do for her is to let her go and hope for his own brighter future through the haze of his plastic-windowed home.

The dust layer on Ken's tattered box grows thicker as the decades pass, but Ken always finds a way to keep his positive outlook. "At $18 I'm priced to move," he tells the other dolls on his shelf. They don't share his optimism, but how could they? For Ken has a unique spark deep inside that ignites his passion and resolve in a way that the others could never understand. He knows big things are out there somewhere just waiting for him-- how could they not be? After all, he is the handsomest Ken ever!

Also in this series...

You Won't Believe What They Paid For This Ad...

2005-08-17T22:52:00.000-04:00

Today's Journal of Ephemeral Inspiration is brought to you by KFU.

In 1939, Colonel Harland Sanders first gave the world a taste of his most famous creation, Original Recipe Kentucky Fried Chicken, featuring that secret blend of 11 herbs and spices. Since that time, millions of people the world over have come to love his one of a kind chicken, homestyle side dishes and hot and fresh beets.

KFU: It's The Finger Lickin' Good™

Also in this series...

		Milk Chocolate Pocky (Milk-chocolate covered wheat biscuit sticks) Eh. Not bad, not great. The overly-sweet chocolate and the strong wheatiness of the stick step on each other's feet in their mad dash to tickle our taste buds. Message to Glico: never, never give the stick a stronger flavor than the coating.
		Custard Fondu Mousse Pocky (Whipped custard-flavored covered biscuit sticks) We've gone on record as not being fans of Pocky's Mousse line of treats. Mostly, they have come across as unbalanced, sometimes greasier tasting versions of their normal cousins. Maybe we're going soft, but Custard Fondu Mousse Pocky is... well, fine. Not bad at all. Won't make the finals, but we'd buy it in a pinch.
		Chocolate Chaud Mousse Pocky (Whipped chocolate covered biscuit sticks) See, you got cocky, Mousse Pocky. Readers may as well hop on over and read our tepid review of Chocolate Mousse Pocky. We don't know exactly what "chaud" is, but we can tell you it ain't "deliciousness." However, we do like the stripes.
		Honey White Almond Crush Pocky (White chocolate and almond bits covered biscuit sticks) We can't help feeling ripped off when, instead of a jam-packed mosh-pit of sweet sticks, a sparse and orderly row of almond-encrusted bus stop waiters greets us upon opening the box. Oh well. The "white" being somewhat obvious, we can't really make out any honey flavor. Nor is it really that different than Almond Crush Chocolate Pocky. So knock yourself out, whatever you can grab.
		Caramel Pocky (Caramel-flavored covered biscuit sticks) We definitely get a solid hit of caramel biting into these sticks, but the aroma quickly drifts to a flavor something very similar to Cheesecake or Yogurt Pocky. Which in and of itself is fine, but when a Pocky can't distinguish itself in a crowd, our eyes start to glaze.

		Giant Chocolate Pocky (Chocolate covered giant biscuit sticks) Unlike the kind of pointless Giant Strawberry Pocky, Giant Chocolate Pocky is pretty enjoyable. Oh, it's still a novelty and definitely not an everyday Pocky, but the flavor is good and it could be a hit at dinner parties. Just be prepared to lay out about $12 per box (50¢ per stick).
		Cheesecake Pocky (Cheesecake-flavored covered biscuit sticks) Flavor-wise, not unlike its curdled dairy cousin Yogurt Pocky. But despite the accurate flavor, the texture of the coating is a little waxy, and the sticks don't have the golden toasted color of regular Chocolate Pocky. For us, Cheesecake Pocky finishes in the middle of the pack.
		Chocolate Mousse Pocky (Whipped chocolate covered biscuit sticks) We figured much of our lackluster response to Green Tea Mousse Pocky was due to the fact that while we like green tea, it's not really on our sweets radar (once we determined the flavor was much like vanilla, we could deal with it). But we had a similar "blah" response to Chocolate Mousse Pocky. The thicker coating just isn't creamy like you'd expect, and the milk chocolate flavor is extremely weak (more aftertaste than taste). You get more of a hit of greasy cocoa butter than actual chocolate, and man, that ain't cool. Not worth the extra yen.
		Garden Pretz (Vegetable-flavored biscuit sticks) The vegetarian version of Crispy Pizza Pretz. Salty and satisfying; definitely earns a spot on the repeat buy list.
		Chocolate Pepero (Chocolate covered biscuit sticks) Another pathetic offering from Korea's Lotte. Foul-smelling and even worse tasting, we sampled one stick then deep-sixed the rest. Putrid.
		Hello Kitty Chocolate (Chocolate dip and roast sesame biscuit sticks) Like Yan Yan, a do-it-your-selfer Pocky kit: Biscuit sticks and a stingy cup of chocolate frosting-like dip. But the dip is synthetic-tasting, and not at all pleasant. We know some of you have a Hello Kitty jones and just have to buy anything with the little freak's mug on it, but do yourself a favor, if you must have a biscuit/dip kit, stick to Yan Yan.
		Hello Kitty Strawberry (Strawberry flavored dip and biscuit sticks) As above, but with a horrible strawberry-flavored dip. Not worth the money.

		Yogurt Pocky (Yogurt covered biscuit sticks) A lightweight entry in the Pocky arena, but not bad. It's creamy, with a definite yogurty tang, completely justifying the name (instead of just punking out with white chocolate or generic "creme"). Worth a try, but it's probably not gonna make your top three.
		Roast Pretz (Plain biscuit sticks) Not as dull as it might sound on paper. Roast Pretz is basically Pocky without the chocolate (duh) but the "roast" flavor adds a bit of savory flavor (flavory) with undertones that convey a hint of buttery sweetness. Christ, that sounded stupid. If you have too much excitement in your life, Roast Pretz may help bring you back to center.
		Almond Pepero (Chocolate and almond bits covered biscuit stick) From Korea's Lotte, Pepero makes a grab at Pocky's crown. But we gotta be honest, these turds on a stick are just foul. Waxy, flavorless "chocolate," mushy almond bits... blech. What we're willing to put ourselves through for our readers...
		Nude Pepero (Chocolate filled biscuit sticks) A little better. But nothing we'd buy again, given that real Reverse Pocky is in reach. Sorry Korea, but Japan is still the pearl of the Orient. Scores some points for having the stones to use "nude" in the name and go sexy with the marketing.
		Choco Yan Yan (Chocolate dip and roast sesame biscuit sticks) For the do-it-your-selfer, we have Yan Yan, from Meiji. More or less a Pocky kit, Choco Yan Yan is a wee cup of pencil-thick biscuit sticks (which resemble extended Nabisco Tidbits, minus the cheesiness) and a wee-er cup of chocolate frosting-like dip. Not exactly the same experience as nibbling through a pack of Pocky, but good for a laugh. As the label reads, it's "Your favorite chocolity-flavored dip." Since we know of no other, it's true by default.
		Strawberry Cream Yan Yan (Strawberry flavored dip and biscuit sticks) Same as above, but with a cloyingly sweet strawberry-flavored dip. Pick one up for your kindergartener; they'll think it's the bee's knees.

		Almond Crush Chocolate Pocky (Chocolate and almond bits covered biscuit sticks) Like it's tropical cousin Coconut Chocolate Pocky, the nodule-laden fuselage of Almond Crush Chocolate Pocky requires an orderly placement in the package, which means fewer to go around-- and it's significantly more expensive. The almond bits do provide a nutty flavor, but not so much that it's drastically different from plain jane Chocolate Pocky. Let your taste buds be your guide; sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don't.
		Strawberry Pocky (Plain) (Strawberry cream-covered biscuit stick) Yawn... we tried these mini-pack Pocky sticks before Giant Strawberry Pocky (reviewed last time) and were so underwhelmed, we didn't even bother to include them in our first round. Not bad but just boring.
		Strawberry Pocky (With Strawberry Bits) (Strawberry cream and dried strawberry bits covered biscuit stick) Now hold the phone... we take back every snarky thing we said about Pocky's bumpy brotherhood. Take the dull as dishwater regular Strawberry Pocky, add bits of desiccated strawberry and bam! Instant winner. These sweet and fruity delicacies jumped immediately into our top five favorites.
		Crispy Pizza Pretz (Pizza-flavored cracker sticks) The Dean to Pocky's Jerry, the Abbott to Pocky's Costello, the Gallant to Pocky's Goofus, Pretz eschews the candy sweetness of its popular sibling for a more savory adult flavor spectrum. Crispy Pizza Pretz are flatter than Pocky sticks-- more linguini than spaghetti. Salty and a little greasy, and flavored with tomato, cheese, oregano and whatever the hell make pepperoni taste like pepperoni, Crispy Pizza Pretz are pretty darn good, and incredibly addictive. A great alternative when you want a snack instead of a dessert.